Wow, I wish this was a real product!

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

Question:
If you’re a pedofile, and you’ve run out of tricks to lure kids to your bedroom (papparazi always following you, too many court subpenas, sold off your window-less van in your ranch auction), what options do you have left?

Answer:
Create a video game.

Looks like Michael Jackason is once again trying to wiggle his way back into the hands of little kids around the world (video game controller, not what you were thinking… perv).

See Source:
http://translate.google.com/translate?js=n&prev=_t&hl=nl&ie=UTF-8&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.9lives.be%2Fgamepublishers%2F9lives%2Fnieuws%2Fnieuw-michael-jackson-game-op-komst&sl=nl&tl=en&history_state0=

Maybe MJ’s been having a dryspell and he’s reverting to one of his old tricks, check out awesomeness (sarcasm) from 1990:

Are Chastity “Chaz” Bono, the transgender daughter/son of Sonny and Cher, and Jonah Hill actually the same person? You decide:

5 people who pissed me off today.

1) The asshole eating food really loud.
Does everyone in a 4 row radius from you on the plane really need to hear you chomping on your potato chips.. dick, your fat ass doesn’t need them anyway!

2) Highway drivers in St. Louis.
Faster traffic in the left lanes, slower traffic in the right lanes. How fucking hard is that?
Who the fuck drives 50 miles an hour in the fast lane! And quit driving right next to the other cars so nobody can pass you! Cunt!

3) Bluetooth wearing, loud cell phone talking mother fucker.
Another dickhead who needs to shut the fuck up! For fucks sake, am I the only one that doesn’t want everyone all up in my business when I’m on the phone. And really, a bluetooth headset isn’t a fashion statement, take the fucking thing out of your ear when you’re not using it.

4) The Douchebag who writes the whole content of their email in the subject line.
It’s a subject line… subject line… Not entire fucking message line. Are you really so fucking busy you can’t hit Tab once?

5) The other 3 writers on this blog.
Shit, you wanted to be a writer… so fucking write something! I’m sick of excuses like… I don’t have time at work, I’m at school, I’m fishing, I’m sucking a fat dick, I’m planning my wedding, I’m on my period, I’m ghey, etc…

Sorry for the lack of content. I’ve been pretty busy impersonating Tony LaRussa on Twitter?

from espn.com

ST. LOUIS — St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa is suing the social-networking site Twitter, claiming an unauthorized page that used his name to make light of drunken driving and two Cardinals pitchers who died damaged his reputation and caused emotional distress.
The suit filed last month in the Superior Court of California in San Francisco seeks unspecified damages.
La Russa had little to say about the suit.
“I’m not discussing it except to say that our foundation attorney is taking care of it,” the manager told The Associated Press.
Messages left Thursday with La Russa’s attorney and San Francisco-based Twitter were not returned.
The lawsuit claims that someone created a false account under La Russa’s name and posted updates, known as “tweets,” that gave the false impression that the comments came from La Russa. The suit said the comments were “derogatory and demeaning” and damaged La Russa’s trademark rights.
The account bearing La Russa’s name is no longer active. The lawsuit includes a screen shot of three tweets. One posted on April 19 said: “Lost 2 out of 3, but we made it out of Chicago without one drunk driving incident or dead pitcher.”

At the hospital earlier this month…
found this…
I really have no idea what this means…
but it put wierd visuals in my head:

Prior to the film’s release, I’d heard mixed things about it, and really wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, a sequel, or a reboot?

Prequels and sequels usually suck, and are just made to make people in Hollywood some more money… and reboots usaually piss me off to the point I start ranting about “thats now how it happened” or “he can’t do that” (i.e. the new Deadpool in the ghey Wolverine movie), but, still, I had to give it a shot.

One thing got me to look beyond all that and see this movie… J.J. Abrams. It’s no secret, I’m a huge “Lost” fan, and I’ll admit I haven’t watched “Fringe” but Dr. Meat goes on about how he masturbates watching it (for the plot, not the women).

So, how did Mr. Abram’s do with Star Trek???? Fucking Awesome!

Like I said earlier, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, sequel, or reboot. Well, it was all 3! I thought it was genius, how they made the movie start out so you think its a rebooted prequel, but once you start getting pissed off about how Vulcan blew up, and Spock’s mom dies aren’t how things originally happened, you get slapped in the face with the fact that you are watching a sequel as Spock has traveled back in time becuase of a wrinkle in time, and therefore all events moving forward will be different. Amazing!

Quinto does an great job, the new Spock is perfect(Fuck Sylar!), has a little bit of “Go Fuck Yourself!” in his voice… AND he’s bangin Uhura! For you old school Trek fan’s, lots of kickbacks for you, from sounds, to phrases, to mind controling slugs, to Kirk doing a green chick.

Marvel/DC, take notes from this as your movie reboots, though may have a decent stories, but could use some work in the Awesomeness department.

Sorry if I had any spoilers in here without warning, its your own fucking fault for not seeing the flick yet!

Overall Rating: (4.5 Tacos)
We knocked off .5 taco’s from perfect because Tyler Perry is a douche.

EvilJeenyus: you watch lost?
SlappyMcNutsack: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: u watch last night
EvilJeenyus: yep
EvilJeenyus: awesome
EvilJeenyus: the intro was great
EvilJeenyus: setting up a big battle between good and evil
SlappyMcNutsack: yeah, but
SlappyMcNutsack: good v evil is so lame… its overdone
SlappyMcNutsack: it should be like science vs religion
SlappyMcNutsack: or what if the magnetic field reacted to the nuke, and then the Lifetime Network bought the rights to LOST and the final season was Pro Choice vs Pro Life
SlappyMcNutsack: or my favorite battle of all times
SlappyMcNutsack: Donuts vs Bagels
EvilJeenyus: please….
EvilJeenyus: donuts
EvilJeenyus: not a contest
EvilJeenyus: they’re FRIED
SlappyMcNutsack: yeah, i love donuts
SlappyMcNutsack: but
(more…)

Wow, it’s been a while since my last post. I promise to do a better job of keeping this site up to date with more content… (wish my other writers would too… hint hint pricks!)

Anyway, on a recent trip to the store at 3am, I saw a bunch of cops driving by in pursuit of something, and it reminded me of the movie Raising Arizona, with one of the greatest chase scenes of all time… check it:

Lycurgus: there should be a Jerking Off olympics
SlappyMcNutsack: that would mean several events
SlappyMcNutsack: what kinda JO events would exist?
SlappyMcNutsack: Distance?
SlappyMcNutsack: quantitiy?
Lycurgus: driving a manual while jerking
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: distance and quantity
Lycurgus: aim
Lycurgus: what’s that winter game where they ski to a target
Lycurgus: shoot the target
Lycurgus: then ski to the next one…
SlappyMcNutsack: bi-athalon
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: that
Lycurgus: although, we’d have to change the name
SlappyMcNutsack: back to your “driving a manual while jerking”
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: how would you judge that
Lycurgus: there’s got to be an obstacle course with cones
SlappyMcNutsack: but, does driver have to complete?
Lycurgus: and you have to complete by the time you cross the finish line
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: and how do u know he wont complete at start then finish the race
Lycurgus: driver has to complete
Lycurgus: have to start both at the same time
Lycurgus: or
Lycurgus: actually that’d be fine
Lycurgus: but might be a bad strategy
Lycurgus: if the other dude starts both at the same time
SlappyMcNutsack: hmm, requires more thought…. and some trial runs
Lycurgus: indeed
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe a HanJ olympics
Lycurgus: nice
SlappyMcNutsack: or that can be in the masturbation olympics as a group event
SlappyMcNutsack: team sport
Lycurgus: you could have duo’s
Lycurgus: team… not sure how that would work
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe like a relay
SlappyMcNutsack: like have a bunch of people on a Jerking team
SlappyMcNutsack: but you cant start till your team mate finishes
SlappyMcNutsack: then get a team time
Lycurgus: this is why i need to establish my financial independence
Lycurgus: so i can focus on more pressing matters like this
SlappyMcNutsack: agreed