Prior to the film’s release, I’d heard mixed things about it, and really wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, a sequel, or a reboot?

Prequels and sequels usually suck, and are just made to make people in Hollywood some more money… and reboots usaually piss me off to the point I start ranting about “thats now how it happened” or “he can’t do that” (i.e. the new Deadpool in the ghey Wolverine movie), but, still, I had to give it a shot.

One thing got me to look beyond all that and see this movie… J.J. Abrams. It’s no secret, I’m a huge “Lost” fan, and I’ll admit I haven’t watched “Fringe” but Dr. Meat goes on about how he masturbates watching it (for the plot, not the women).

So, how did Mr. Abram’s do with Star Trek???? Fucking Awesome!

Like I said earlier, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, sequel, or reboot. Well, it was all 3! I thought it was genius, how they made the movie start out so you think its a rebooted prequel, but once you start getting pissed off about how Vulcan blew up, and Spock’s mom dies aren’t how things originally happened, you get slapped in the face with the fact that you are watching a sequel as Spock has traveled back in time becuase of a wrinkle in time, and therefore all events moving forward will be different. Amazing!

Quinto does an great job, the new Spock is perfect(Fuck Sylar!), has a little bit of “Go Fuck Yourself!” in his voice… AND he’s bangin Uhura! For you old school Trek fan’s, lots of kickbacks for you, from sounds, to phrases, to mind controling slugs, to Kirk doing a green chick.

Marvel/DC, take notes from this as your movie reboots, though may have a decent stories, but could use some work in the Awesomeness department.

Sorry if I had any spoilers in here without warning, its your own fucking fault for not seeing the flick yet!

Overall Rating: (4.5 Tacos)
We knocked off .5 taco’s from perfect because Tyler Perry is a douche.

Wow, it’s been a while since my last post. I promise to do a better job of keeping this site up to date with more content… (wish my other writers would too… hint hint pricks!)

Anyway, on a recent trip to the store at 3am, I saw a bunch of cops driving by in pursuit of something, and it reminded me of the movie Raising Arizona, with one of the greatest chase scenes of all time… check it:

Swine flu? Really? Come on, Mother Nature. Your attempts to thin out stupid people have been pretty weak lately. You’re not even gonna make a dent using something that can be prevented by soap and water? You haven’t done anything worth a shit since Katrina Deep Impact. I have some ideas. However, I’d have trouble convincing people that some of these were you. Whatever. Somebody’s gotta do it.

1. trap everyone at a Peta rally inside a theater and release killer bees
2. put the aerosol bio-weapon that’s killing Jack Bauer in AXE body spray
3. crop dust a few NASCAR races
4. sell peanuts tainted with salmonella exclusively at Yankee stadium
5. put a secret suicidal subliminal message in any song by Britney Spears or Amy Winehouse.
6. geese could fly into the jet engines of a plane carrying Skip Bayless, Sam Raimi, and the entire cast of The Hills
7. (feel free to chime in, losers)

I downloaded the demo on PS3 for the new Watchmen game. Pretty good. Check it out:

It’s opening weekend for Watchmen, and though we hate people, we’re braving the crowds to bring you an eviljalapeno.com review from 3 different perspectives. Read the reviews after the jump.
(more…)

The “It Came From Japan!” version of this movie trailer strangely gives this movie some much needed new life. I’m close to the end of this novel, and I haven’t been too impressed. But between Nixon’s nose and the scene with Dr. Manhattan being blown to shit, I’m ready.

1. AT&T.

Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.


(more…)

5.  Ok, so this one isn’t so much bad-ass as it is basically a family tear-jerker.  But if you’re gonna say “Why can’t we all just get along?”, why not do it on a desolate alien planet with a frog-faced Louis Gossett, Jr?  I mean really…aren’t all of us at the evil jalapeno confident enough in our pussy-grabbing abilities to confess to the awesome-ness of this movie?  And to my perfect over-use of hyphens?  Yes.

4. “WOLVERINES!!!!!”

3. When Bruno drinks the green formula and turns into Little Bruno…? Yeah, in 1982 I cried myself to sleep for months because of the nightmares. Now, I think of Ned Beatty in Deliverance, and still cry myself to sleep. Why? Only Rorschach knows. Or maybe Freud. Jesus.