Prior to the film’s release, I’d heard mixed things about it, and really wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, a sequel, or a reboot?

Prequels and sequels usually suck, and are just made to make people in Hollywood some more money… and reboots usaually piss me off to the point I start ranting about “thats now how it happened” or “he can’t do that” (i.e. the new Deadpool in the ghey Wolverine movie), but, still, I had to give it a shot.

One thing got me to look beyond all that and see this movie… J.J. Abrams. It’s no secret, I’m a huge “Lost” fan, and I’ll admit I haven’t watched “Fringe” but Dr. Meat goes on about how he masturbates watching it (for the plot, not the women).

So, how did Mr. Abram’s do with Star Trek???? Fucking Awesome!

Like I said earlier, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, sequel, or reboot. Well, it was all 3! I thought it was genius, how they made the movie start out so you think its a rebooted prequel, but once you start getting pissed off about how Vulcan blew up, and Spock’s mom dies aren’t how things originally happened, you get slapped in the face with the fact that you are watching a sequel as Spock has traveled back in time becuase of a wrinkle in time, and therefore all events moving forward will be different. Amazing!

Quinto does an great job, the new Spock is perfect(Fuck Sylar!), has a little bit of “Go Fuck Yourself!” in his voice… AND he’s bangin Uhura! For you old school Trek fan’s, lots of kickbacks for you, from sounds, to phrases, to mind controling slugs, to Kirk doing a green chick.

Marvel/DC, take notes from this as your movie reboots, though may have a decent stories, but could use some work in the Awesomeness department.

Sorry if I had any spoilers in here without warning, its your own fucking fault for not seeing the flick yet!

Overall Rating: (4.5 Tacos)
We knocked off .5 taco’s from perfect because Tyler Perry is a douche.

It’s opening weekend for Watchmen, and though we hate people, we’re braving the crowds to bring you an eviljalapeno.com review from 3 different perspectives. Read the reviews after the jump.

The Story:
SlappyMcNutsack: I’ll start out by saying, I’m actually a big fan of the comics/graphic novel. For those that haven’t read it yet, you may be lost/confused for the first hour or so of the movie, but the graphic novel was the same way, it didn’t start getting picking up and tying things together till about halfway through. There was one thing I thought was kind of lame about the comic, and without “spoiling” anything, it was the “incident” towards the end. I think Zack Snyder did a great job of keeping this movie true to comics, and actually changed that “incident” into something, which in my opinion, was better than the comic.
Dr. Meat: Well, I wanted to come on here and blast the shit out of this movie, but that ain’t gonna happen. Firstly, I need to say that I didn’t think the graphic novel was that great. And hearing everyone/Hollywood gush about it is annoying. But, hey, it’ll sell tickets. So, needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much. I get it…it’s groundbreaking, blah, blah…spare me. But, the fact that Zack Synder took this book and made it into a pretty decent flick restores a little bit of faith in the usual shitastic movie industry. The movie stuck with the book perfectly when it needed to, drifted a bit when it could, and, most importantly, consistently reminded us that it didn’t take itself too seriously (something I thought the book did do, to a flaw). This seriousness (mostly the too cool for school opinions of Alan Moore and others stating this book wasn’t film-able?) might be why I’ve refused to give a shit. That and the fact that every picture of Alan Moore makes me think I am looking at the mutant offspring of a gang bang involving the Unabomber, Charles Manson, my meth-head neighbor, and Amy Winehouse. Obviously, we don’t know who the father is. Seriously? This guy wrote this? Wow. It looks like he’d sell the rights to the first taker. He needs the money for a fucking razor.
El Chupacabra: I really enjoyed the story, I am somewhat of a history junkie and I enjoyed the way historical moments were interjected into the plot. Also I applaud the writers for not creating typical superheros, I loved the dichotomy of good and evil in the characters and how they embraced each side equally and without prejudice. Look no further then The Comedian to see what I mean.

The Acting:
SlappyMcNutsack: The actor’s did a good job, especially Jackie Earle Haley as a Rorschach. The only negative thing I’d say about this film is I got sick of seeing Dr. Manhattan’s blue junk hanging out all over the place… I mean shit dude, you’re the most powerful person in the movie, get some fkn undies! But we did get some nice side-boobage from Malin Akerman!
Dr. Meat: The acting, like I said, didn’t take itself too seriously. From Nixon’s nose to Dr. Manhattan’s giant monotone schlong…er, voice, it worked. I agree with Slappy, though, Rorschach carried the film.
El Chupacabra: Like Dr. Meat, I did not take the acting to seriously and Rorschach did carry the film, he was a total bad ass in prison. One thing that did mess me up was looking at Nite Owl without his suit, he completly looked like Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold.

The Cinematography/Visual Effects:
SlappyMcNutsack: I thought the cinematography/visual effects were bad-ass! The fight sequences were beautiful! Snyder used a lot of similar fast/slow motion techniques that he used in 300. Lots of blood and broken bones, my kind of stuff!
Dr. Meat: Malin Ackerman’s latex costume was nice. It barely covered her labia, nice touch, so the fact that she could kick ass in that thing…well, anyway.
El Chupacabra: The visual effects were 2nd to none. The cinematography was like watching 300 on roids, I am from NYC area and they nailed the look and feel of the city in the 80’s.

The Running Time:
SlappyMcNutsack: The movie ran about 2.5+ hours. If I wasn’t so into the comics, I probably would have felt it was a bit long, however, I’m ok with the running time as there was a lot of info to capture. It would have probably done great as like a 2-3 episode mini-series or something. (do mini-series still exist?)
Dr. Meat: I didn’t have a problem with the running time. My attention drifted while reading the book (probably because of the newspaper stand dialogue and that stupid Black Freighter story), but not with the movie. The way Synder tweaked the ending, in my opinion, made the story better. So, suck it Alan Moore. I hope you get crushed to death by one of your giant piles of money made from this movie.
El Chupacabra: I had no problem with the running time of the film it was just the right amount of time. Snyder did a great job of introducing the character and flashing back to take a deep dive into their past to show what made them tick.

Overall Rating:

Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.







2.  Street Fighter.







Look, Hollywood or Hong Kong or someone is trying to improve upon the first JCVD verison of Street Fighter. This is something I could do with crayons on a table at T.G.I.Fridays, but whatever.
Disturbingly, if I ever procreate, it’s seems like Hollywood wants to help make sure my kids hate me.
“Hey, son, Star Wars is cool.”
“Yeah, dad, I saw Episodes I, II, and III. There were great. Loser.”
“Hey, son, I used to play Street Fighter all the time. It’s sweet.”
“Yeah, dad, your video games are more gay than Brody Jenner.”
“Damn.”
Anyway, the hot girl from Smallville is in this, as is this guy, whom I like for some reason.
Click here for the trailer.
This won’t be good, right? We not gonna see this, right?



3. Casino Buffets.







Granted I’ve only needed to eat at a couple of these travesties. One being in Treasure Island and the other, I think, was on some Indian reservation in Washington? Anyway, the food never looks like the giant displays before you go in. And buffet lines have to be the leading cause for food poisioning in the world. Ok, maybe just in America, I’ll concede that it’s something different in Somalia. So in some emergency room in Las Vegas, do you think the staff there says, “Another victim of the Golden Nugget shrimp cocktail.”? I think so.



4. Nic Cage







I put this picture up because it’s really the only thing this turd has ever done that’s worth a crap, except maybe, MAYBE..The Rock. And I only say that because I’m related to Sean Connery. So, see what I mean? No doubt, he’s gonna throw up all over Kick-Ass when that comes out. And this clip from a masterpiece called Con Air shows exactly what I’m talking about…the accent, the emotion, the awesome-ness:







5. You can’t make this shit up, I mean, look at that shirt he’s wearing.