From: http://www.xkcd.com

Mr. Fantastic

1. Kicking Ass.
Reed Richards is not someone whom most associate with ass-kicking, at least not anyone with a penis bigger than this guy’s. And it most likely has everything to do with his skinny rubber arms. But apparently, he has crazy strength and power. He’s super smart and has control over his molecules, which would be great for a circus monkey or a porn star. Sadly, neither of which Mr. Fantastic cares anything about. He’s too busy making Stephen Hawking look like Stephen Baldwin.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
This is irrelevant with Mr. Fantastic. He has Sue Storm. And if she was really even half as hot as Jessica Alba, he’d take a break every 10 minutes to show her what was so fantastic about Mr. Fantastic. I mean really, dude? That name makes you sound like a big-haired, steroid raging, professional wrestling, ladies man. But no, you’re more like McLovin, a twenty-five year old Hawaiian organ donor. You’d at least think he would become proficient in being able to work the microscope in his lab with one hand and then with the other hand stretch into the bedroom and double click Sue’s mouse? But no, you have marital issues. They write this shit into the comics? It was part of the plot in the movies? WTF? I’ve touched on how this emotional bullshit ruins the Fantastic Four. I know two things:
1. Here at EJ we know nothing about feelings and relationships.
2. We do know, however, this sort of bullshit doesn’t belong anywhere in a Marvel monthly. We want more smashing, less whining.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
No. But I would pee in Jessica Alba’s butt.

Score:

Wolverine

1. Kicking Ass.
Weapon X strong. Bad ass temper. Sweet name. Yeah, Logan can kick some ass. He’s a ninja.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Wolverine does alright with the ladies, which probably has a lot to do with his amazing sideburns. He’s in the X-men, which has it’s fair share of hotties. And he’s a bad boy, so he’s every slut’s dream. But, you gotta figure, with that temper, he might be very capable of going Chris Brown on your ass. So, ladies, tread lightly.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Absolutely. He likes to drink, mostly because his life sucks and it dulls the pain, but also because he takes joy in breaking shit. This is a trait we can appreciate.

Score:


Head-to-head: Not even close. Logan wins in a landslide. Mr. Fantastic takes every opportunity to be a douche. He neglects his hot wife. He was behind the plan to exile Hulk to Sakaar. And he was partly responsible for the Skrull invasion. You, sir, are useless. On the other hand, Mr. Jackman, this movie that you’ve preached you care so much about better not suck. Wolverine, you are loved, but truth be told, I’m going dressed up as Deadpool. Sorry.

ADVANTAGE: WOLVERINE

2. Fucking Bitches.

3. Take your pick here, being on hold, condescending operators, talking to a machine, or fucking bitches (again).

4. Steroids. Wait, I actually don’t give two shits about steroids or steroids in sports. I just like this video. And Mark McGwire should be in the Hall and that’s all I have to say about that. Take yer vitamins, monkeys.

5. Fucking Bears. The end of this video might be the greatest thing I have ever seen. This why the internet was invented. Thank you, Al Gore.

Score:

Score:

Advantage: Silver Surfer

It’s opening weekend for Watchmen, and though we hate people, we’re braving the crowds to bring you an eviljalapeno.com review from 3 different perspectives. Read the reviews after the jump.

The Story:
SlappyMcNutsack: I’ll start out by saying, I’m actually a big fan of the comics/graphic novel. For those that haven’t read it yet, you may be lost/confused for the first hour or so of the movie, but the graphic novel was the same way, it didn’t start getting picking up and tying things together till about halfway through. There was one thing I thought was kind of lame about the comic, and without “spoiling” anything, it was the “incident” towards the end. I think Zack Snyder did a great job of keeping this movie true to comics, and actually changed that “incident” into something, which in my opinion, was better than the comic.
Dr. Meat: Well, I wanted to come on here and blast the shit out of this movie, but that ain’t gonna happen. Firstly, I need to say that I didn’t think the graphic novel was that great. And hearing everyone/Hollywood gush about it is annoying. But, hey, it’ll sell tickets. So, needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much. I get it…it’s groundbreaking, blah, blah…spare me. But, the fact that Zack Synder took this book and made it into a pretty decent flick restores a little bit of faith in the usual shitastic movie industry. The movie stuck with the book perfectly when it needed to, drifted a bit when it could, and, most importantly, consistently reminded us that it didn’t take itself too seriously (something I thought the book did do, to a flaw). This seriousness (mostly the too cool for school opinions of Alan Moore and others stating this book wasn’t film-able?) might be why I’ve refused to give a shit. That and the fact that every picture of Alan Moore makes me think I am looking at the mutant offspring of a gang bang involving the Unabomber, Charles Manson, my meth-head neighbor, and Amy Winehouse. Obviously, we don’t know who the father is. Seriously? This guy wrote this? Wow. It looks like he’d sell the rights to the first taker. He needs the money for a fucking razor.
El Chupacabra: I really enjoyed the story, I am somewhat of a history junkie and I enjoyed the way historical moments were interjected into the plot. Also I applaud the writers for not creating typical superheros, I loved the dichotomy of good and evil in the characters and how they embraced each side equally and without prejudice. Look no further then The Comedian to see what I mean.

The Acting:
SlappyMcNutsack: The actor’s did a good job, especially Jackie Earle Haley as a Rorschach. The only negative thing I’d say about this film is I got sick of seeing Dr. Manhattan’s blue junk hanging out all over the place… I mean shit dude, you’re the most powerful person in the movie, get some fkn undies! But we did get some nice side-boobage from Malin Akerman!
Dr. Meat: The acting, like I said, didn’t take itself too seriously. From Nixon’s nose to Dr. Manhattan’s giant monotone schlong…er, voice, it worked. I agree with Slappy, though, Rorschach carried the film.
El Chupacabra: Like Dr. Meat, I did not take the acting to seriously and Rorschach did carry the film, he was a total bad ass in prison. One thing that did mess me up was looking at Nite Owl without his suit, he completly looked like Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold.

The Cinematography/Visual Effects:
SlappyMcNutsack: I thought the cinematography/visual effects were bad-ass! The fight sequences were beautiful! Snyder used a lot of similar fast/slow motion techniques that he used in 300. Lots of blood and broken bones, my kind of stuff!
Dr. Meat: Malin Ackerman’s latex costume was nice. It barely covered her labia, nice touch, so the fact that she could kick ass in that thing…well, anyway.
El Chupacabra: The visual effects were 2nd to none. The cinematography was like watching 300 on roids, I am from NYC area and they nailed the look and feel of the city in the 80’s.

The Running Time:
SlappyMcNutsack: The movie ran about 2.5+ hours. If I wasn’t so into the comics, I probably would have felt it was a bit long, however, I’m ok with the running time as there was a lot of info to capture. It would have probably done great as like a 2-3 episode mini-series or something. (do mini-series still exist?)
Dr. Meat: I didn’t have a problem with the running time. My attention drifted while reading the book (probably because of the newspaper stand dialogue and that stupid Black Freighter story), but not with the movie. The way Synder tweaked the ending, in my opinion, made the story better. So, suck it Alan Moore. I hope you get crushed to death by one of your giant piles of money made from this movie.
El Chupacabra: I had no problem with the running time of the film it was just the right amount of time. Snyder did a great job of introducing the character and flashing back to take a deep dive into their past to show what made them tick.

Overall Rating:

Score:

Score:

Advantage: Iron Man