eviljalapeno.com » Evil News

Winner.

EvilJeenyus — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 21:25:00 +0000

We all know the feeling. Sometimes a man can only be pushed so far before he spits in the face of “the man”. So what else can a man be expected to do when he’s been backed into a corner? When his license has already been taken away for DUI and his thirst for cheap beer has not been quenched? Something deeply, profoundly stupid…

Via STLtoday:

BELLEVILLE, IL— With a revoked license because of a previous drunken-driving conviction, Dennis Cretton shouldn’t drive.

But authorities say that didn’t stop the 49-year-old Belleville-area man from drunkenly driving up to a gas station for more beer –on his yellow riding lawnmower.

Cretton has been charged with felony aggravated driving under the influence after neighbors reported he was weaving in and out of traffic on his lawnmower Friday night.

When deputies tried to stop him, authorities say Bretton drove the mower into his home’s front yard, his 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best spilling onto the ground along the way.

Cretton is free on $10,000 bond. Calls to his home went unanswered Tuesday.

G8 Summit Report: W.W.B.C.D?

SlappyMcNutsack — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:03:20 +0000

What Would Bill Clinton Do?

G8 Summit Report: Tit’s or Ass?

SlappyMcNutsack — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 23:59:54 +0000

It seem’s Obama’s an Ass man…. for some reason, I already knew that.

Nice try, Mother Nature.

Dr. Meat — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:14:08 +0000

Swine flu? Really? Come on, Mother Nature. Your attempts to thin out stupid people have been pretty weak lately. You’re not even gonna make a dent using something that can be prevented by soap and water? You haven’t done anything worth a shit since ~~Katrina~~ Deep Impact. I have some ideas. However, I’d have trouble convincing people that some of these were you. Whatever. Somebody’s gotta do it.

1. trap everyone at a Peta rally inside a theater and release killer bees
2. put the aerosol bio-weapon that’s killing Jack Bauer in AXE body spray
3. crop dust a few NASCAR races
4. sell peanuts tainted with salmonella exclusively at Yankee stadium
5. put a secret suicidal subliminal message in any song by Britney Spears or Amy Winehouse.
6. geese could fly into the jet engines of a plane carrying Skip Bayless, Sam Raimi, and the entire cast of The Hills
7. (feel free to chime in, losers)

AotW: Cows (Specifically, Cows in India).

Dr. Meat — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 07:45:48 +0000

If I ever find a genie’s lamp, these would be my three wishes:

1. I would want to wake up the next morning in a park, badly beaten with amnesia. In my pocket, a random locker key from the train station. In that locker, a small bag of $100 bills and 11 different passports.
2. I would want Kobe Bryant to be raped by Roger Clemens while Barry Bonds films it.
3. Finally, when the end of the world comes, it should involve robots with alien technology.

By the sound of this article, those robots better get their asses in gear. Maybe this is old news. But apparently, our demise WILL BE boring ol’ greenhouse gases. But not from cars or factories, no, but from cow farts. Bullshit? No, really bull shit. Get it? Cattle ass gas. I guess the asshole’s the real asshole this time? Ok, I’ll stop.

Wasn’t April Fool’s Yesterday?

Dr. Meat — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:34:59 +0000

I’ve been known to occasionally visit websites that don’t involve cylons, superheroes, and fantasy baseball. Sometimes I even peruse websites that are supposed to report factual, important, world issues. Let’s say most of the time I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of planet Earth. I hear there are some important people in London this week. So, I figured I’d go to cnn.com to sort it all out.
Wrong. Check below the headlines this morning.
Folks, the end is nigh.

CNN.COM HEADLINES 8am EDT 04/02/2009
Latest News
N. Korea warns Japan not to shoot down rocket
Rollins: Obama finds the world blames U.S.
iReport.com: Is Obama risking overexposure?
Ticker: Obama makes iPod mix for the Queen
CNNMoney: Check the future of home prices
Nebraska family missing nearly two weeks
Neighbor, 59, admits kissing missing girl, 8
Indictment: Group held, tortured teen for year
Roland Martin: High cigarette tax? Great!
Mom urges kids to chug vodka, cops say
Man’s legs severed to fit in coffin?
Dad delivers baby using Internet how-to
Plug pulled on soap opera after 72 years
Pets, owners challenged by increasing allergies
KKTV: Man coughs up 30-year-old-nail
Jupiter’s Great Red Spot is shrinking 5 min
‘American Idol’ blog: Are you as happy as I am?
Valerie Bertinelli hanging on to fat clothes
CNN Wire: 20 militants killed in southern…

You can’t make this shit up. However, I did finally find what I was looking for regarding the crazy protesters and world leader ass-grabbing. And thankfully, evidenced by the picture below, nobody has anything to worry about. IT’S ALL GOOD.

AotW: IBM

SlappyMcNutsack — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:55:35 +0000

Last week on Tuesday, IBM rallied the stock market by announcing record earnings. The CEO sent every employee an email thanking them for their hard work and bragging about how it was the first time in history they exceeded $100billion in revenue.

That was Tuesday. Wednesday morning the phone calls went out and they made 16,000 layoffs.

Then today, not even one full week later, they put out statements talking about how they are pretty much recession-proof!

WTF IBM! For that, you are our ASSHOLE of the Week!

Other Layoffs that were annouced today:
5000 at Microsoft
8000 at Sprint
7000 at Home Depot
2000 at GM
6000 at United Airlines
8000 at Pfizer

They do what?!?

SlappyMcNutsack — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 13:26:48 +0000

Apparently our new 44th President likes to show his affection in a special way. Many have tried, few have been successful, Kudo’s to Michelle Obama for being able to take it!

If you’re still clueless click HERE.

Eviljalapeno Politics: Fair and Balanced Mockery

EvilJeenyus — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:36:55 +0000

Actual exchange with a friend today (Inauguration Day, cretins):

FunnyWeeAttorney: I feel like we just drafted a black quarterback and he is gonna try to run the ball a lot.

EvilJeenyus: Yeah, but he’s replacing the old quarterback that’s been concussed one too many times, so it’s definitely an upgrade.

I’m not one for partisan politics, so normally I don’t give much of a shit who is running the country, but we’re in the middle of a serious clusterfuck. Something needed to change. Republicans, you fucked up. Democrats, it’s your turn again to try to prove that you’re the competent party. I’m not holding my breath, though. Good luck, Obama.

The W

SlappyMcNutsack — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 13:25:35 +0000

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – George Bush met with a panel of sexually active college students to help him figure out a sexual technique to call his own. After 3 days of experimenting on each other, the group came to agreement. The technique, known as “the W”, is a variation of the shocker, with the fingers spread out.

When reached for comment, Laura Bush stated “George has been using this technique for many years, we just never thought to come up with a name for it! I’m so pleased we finally have something to call it! Please becareful when using it, we’ve learned that, though this technique is amazing, it only works well if your fingernails are kept neatly trimmed”