This blog is pushing through like a kidney stone. So, buckle up. There could be a lot of blood.
This one’s gonna be a slap-fest. We’re pitting “probably gay” Mr. Fantastic v. “maybe gay” Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, I know, Wolverine gay? He’s the bad-assiest bad ass ever? Well, did you see Jackman host the Oscars? Yeah, neither did we, but we heard it was a bunch of tight pants Broadway bullshit.
Round One: Mr. Fantastic v. Wolverine

Mr. Fantastic

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Yeah, yeah, I know…it’s been awhile, but I’m back. It’s been hard to motivate what with figuring out how to spend all the money I’ve been winning during March Madness and then digesting the Battlestar Galactica finale. Anyway, here’s another epic installment of the greatest blog event in the history of history.
Round One: Silver Surfer v. Punisher

1. Kicking Ass.
The Surfer is another one of those characters that on paper looks to be god-like. His Cosmic Power, a “gift” from the giant purple world-eater whom he served for most of his time in comic books, in its description should make this guy unbeatable. He is, in a way, the blue-print (sorry) for Dr. Manhattan, and not only because they look similar and don’t wear pants. Surfer can bend time, alter matter, heal, and inhibit other mutant’s powers. He can also manipulate the evolution of organic life. Pretty cool.
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Back to it, jags.
Round One: Iron Man v. Lex Luthor


1. Kicking Ass.
The movie. Yeah. Pretty good. Moving on.
Iron Man is the original. A gold and red standard. He’s been dead a few times, or not. He’s fought everyone, lost and won. He’s got brains and strength due to various factors. The reactor in his chest. And some crazy techno-virus he injected himself with which makes him even more like a cylon. Understand, we dig robots. And we’re doing everything we can to align ourselves with the robots when they decide to take over the world. Everyone should know by now you’re going to either side with the robots or the zombies? The choice is simple. Need proof, skeptic ones?
But to get back on point, Iron Man can pretty much kick whatever ass he wants. And if he can’t, give him 5 minutes, and he’ll figure it out.
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So the play-in matches are finished…and in the immortal 11th century words of King Philippe and Princess Leonore, let the games begin.
Round One: Thing v. Hulk

1. Kicking Ass.
“It’s Clobberin’ Time!” is a pretty lame catch phrase. Makes me cringe almost worse than “HULK SMASH!” or “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” But there’s no arguing Ben Grimm’s 100 ton strength. However, “rock” men are a dime a dozen, right? I’m thinking this guy from that one awesome movie. And then there’s this this guy. Don’t get me wrong, Thing can stomp some ass. But maybe I’m hung up on the science? How does he sit in a car? Or fly in a jet? I mean apparently even if your bag weighs one pound over fifty it costs an extra $200 in jet fuel? I’m just sayin’ that unless he’s made of pumice…he’s got bigger weight issues than Oprah.
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Round One (Play In): Nick Fury v. Deadpool

1. Kicking Ass.
Disclaimer: Deadpool is my favorite comic book character. But we’ll do our best to be as fair and level-headed as possible during this little process. So, Wade Wilson, if that’s really his name, is the quintessential bad-ass ninja motherfucker. He has no fear, probably because he can’t be killed, and he has Weapon X coursing through his veins, so he’s nearly unbreakable. He’s fought Wolverine, Hulk, and the entire Skrull army without breaking a sweat. And we haven’t even started to discuss his ability to handle blades and guns.
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Round One (Play In): Venom v. Joker

1. Kicking Ass.
Venom could be the reason Dr. Meat even started reading comics back in junoir high. Well, more than likely the real reason was because I didn’t have much to do growing up in a small BFE town until I discovered masturbation and jazz choir. But anyway, Venom was pretty bad-ass. Snarly and gnarly, an alien with huge sharp teeth, and with an affinity for Spiderman. These are things we like. However, lately, Venom has been teetering on the edge of villian and hero. This is something we don’t like. Come on, dude, you’re evil. Look in the mirror. Yeah, those are fangs. Heroes don’t have fangs. Anyway, it’s back and forth, depending on the host and what-not, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt…for nostalga’s sake.
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Round One (Play In): Magneto v. Hellboy

1. Kicking Ass.
Well, there’s no questioning the awesome-ness of Magneto’s power. I mean who’s really gonna fuck with a guy that can literally rip the iron from your blood? He’s a brilliant mastermind with huge plans for world domination, however, those plans are always foiled by a cripple in a wheelchair? And he’s old, probably shares robes with Gandalf the Grey, and he’s old. But he can fly.
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Round One (Play In): Robin v. Ghost Rider

1. Kicking Ass.
Firstly, Robin doesn’t belong in this tournament. He’s here to satisfy our gay readers. No, actually he’s here because he’s been around forever, and we decided that all-time top 10 characters in comic book appearances automatically get in. So, sadly, we are left with one of the original sidekicks. Almost makes you wonder how comics even got popular? Maybe they aren’t? Maybe they never were? Maybe we’re delusional? No, we are delusional, but somehow comics survived the original Batman television series. And somehow, somewhere, somewhen Robin must have had a purpose. And even more strange…he’s become relevant again now that Batman is dead.
Back on point, Robin’s ass-kicking abilities. So, there’s 3 of these guys, but we’re gonna focus on the more well-known stuff. He’s a circus acrobat (shocker), so he has some agility. He has access to Batman’s toys, so he’s a mooch. That just means he can Bat-hook the shit out of you, then Bat-repel off a bridge and out of sight. Fine, but we don’t have much more to say about this. When we think of Robin, we think he could handle Jack Nicholson joker but not Heath Ledger joker. (more…)

Welcome to the first in a mini-series of impossibly amazing battles to determine the definition of awesome. No, we aren’t talking about Ronald Regan and Mikhail Gorbachev. We are starting these off with quite possibly the greatest argument in annals of nerd history. Could Superman take the Hulk? Who would be the better bitch, Robin or Tobey Maguire? These important questions and more will be answered in what will surely be a greater spectacle than dinner at Medieval Times. And more entertaining than the usual web surfing for shots of Britney’s caesarean scar vagina. Yes, you’d be right in assuming this colossal waste of time is done mostly while pretending to have real jobs, but when we’re not at work, it severely cuts into our time online playing Call of Duty and watching 80’s hair band music videos on youtube. We do it because we care. And because we all want to get fired, move to Bali, and open a frozen banana shack. Enjoy and here’s one more…for the true fans.

Winner advances based on three categories:
1. Kicking Ass
2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina)
3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Round One Coming Soon

Note: Seedings are equal parts whatever we think, longevity, and shut the hell up.