Prior to the film’s release, I’d heard mixed things about it, and really wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, a sequel, or a reboot?

Prequels and sequels usually suck, and are just made to make people in Hollywood some more money… and reboots usaually piss me off to the point I start ranting about “thats now how it happened” or “he can’t do that” (i.e. the new Deadpool in the ghey Wolverine movie), but, still, I had to give it a shot.

One thing got me to look beyond all that and see this movie… J.J. Abrams. It’s no secret, I’m a huge “Lost” fan, and I’ll admit I haven’t watched “Fringe” but Dr. Meat goes on about how he masturbates watching it (for the plot, not the women).

So, how did Mr. Abram’s do with Star Trek???? Fucking Awesome!

Like I said earlier, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a prequel, sequel, or reboot. Well, it was all 3! I thought it was genius, how they made the movie start out so you think its a rebooted prequel, but once you start getting pissed off about how Vulcan blew up, and Spock’s mom dies aren’t how things originally happened, you get slapped in the face with the fact that you are watching a sequel as Spock has traveled back in time becuase of a wrinkle in time, and therefore all events moving forward will be different. Amazing!

Quinto does an great job, the new Spock is perfect(Fuck Sylar!), has a little bit of “Go Fuck Yourself!” in his voice… AND he’s bangin Uhura! For you old school Trek fan’s, lots of kickbacks for you, from sounds, to phrases, to mind controling slugs, to Kirk doing a green chick.

Marvel/DC, take notes from this as your movie reboots, though may have a decent stories, but could use some work in the Awesomeness department.

Sorry if I had any spoilers in here without warning, its your own fucking fault for not seeing the flick yet!

Overall Rating: (4.5 Tacos)
We knocked off .5 taco’s from perfect because Tyler Perry is a douche.

Lycurgus: there should be a Jerking Off olympics
SlappyMcNutsack: that would mean several events
SlappyMcNutsack: what kinda JO events would exist?
SlappyMcNutsack: Distance?
SlappyMcNutsack: quantitiy?
Lycurgus: driving a manual while jerking
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: distance and quantity
Lycurgus: aim
Lycurgus: what’s that winter game where they ski to a target
Lycurgus: shoot the target
Lycurgus: then ski to the next one…
SlappyMcNutsack: bi-athalon
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: that
Lycurgus: although, we’d have to change the name
SlappyMcNutsack: back to your “driving a manual while jerking”
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: how would you judge that
Lycurgus: there’s got to be an obstacle course with cones
SlappyMcNutsack: but, does driver have to complete?
Lycurgus: and you have to complete by the time you cross the finish line
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: and how do u know he wont complete at start then finish the race
Lycurgus: driver has to complete
Lycurgus: have to start both at the same time
Lycurgus: or
Lycurgus: actually that’d be fine
Lycurgus: but might be a bad strategy
Lycurgus: if the other dude starts both at the same time
SlappyMcNutsack: hmm, requires more thought…. and some trial runs
Lycurgus: indeed
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe a HanJ olympics
Lycurgus: nice
SlappyMcNutsack: or that can be in the masturbation olympics as a group event
SlappyMcNutsack: team sport
Lycurgus: you could have duo’s
Lycurgus: team… not sure how that would work
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe like a relay
SlappyMcNutsack: like have a bunch of people on a Jerking team
SlappyMcNutsack: but you cant start till your team mate finishes
SlappyMcNutsack: then get a team time
Lycurgus: this is why i need to establish my financial independence
Lycurgus: so i can focus on more pressing matters like this
SlappyMcNutsack: agreed

When I’m having a bad day, I just watch this commercial. And thank the gods that I am amazing enough to appreciate this. I need to grow out my beard again, as do all of you. But first, I need to go buy some Dos Equis.

Ok I have seen some crazy shit being sold by people trying to cash in on Obama, but this one is too funny. I introduce the Chia Obama, yes you heard right! This Chia comes in two versions “Happy” and “Determined”. The animation is hilarious, you can see how Obama would look like with a Fro and corn roles.

Did no one have the imagination to make a Chia Bush or better yet a Chia Lewinsky cigar dispenser the name alone makes me want to buy one.

I never really got the whole Kindle craze, but I now see the light.  I wonder if they have a neck strap for easy access?

This is exhibit A why Louis CK is not only a funny motherfucker, but also a prophet for our times.

Submitted by SleazyRyder:

Apparently, some spear fisherman fought a 12-foot tiger shark to the death for two hours. Read the article closely. Specifically, the sixth paragraph. Do you see anything wrong with the strategy this guy used?

http://www.nypost.com/seven/03122009/news/nationalnews/moment_of_tooth_159201.htm

(In case you don’t want to read the whole article, here’s the suspect part, I added the emphasis:
“During the underwater struggle, Clasen speared the shark seven times and even attempted to drown it before finishing it off with a long-blade knife. It wasn’t clear how often Clasen had to resurface to breathe. “Once I shot it in the gills I felt a moral obligation to finish the job,” he said. “In the end we put a knife in its skull.” )

For future reference, if you’re in a life-and-death struggle with a lion, tiger, or any other animal, drowning it might be an effective way to win the fight. If you’re fighting a fish, however, you might want to go straight to the knife…

Submitted by El Chupacabra

For President’s Day, we’d like to share with you the real story of the events that took place at Ford’s theater the day that Lincoln was assasinated:

As an admitted shoe-whore, these new, limited-edition kicks from Nike give me a huge, throbbing boner.  They’re inspired by Hoosiers, White Men Can’t Jump, and Teen Wolf.

(more…)