With all the recent celebrity deaths, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Farrah, Ed McMahaon, etc., we at eviljalapeno.com decided to pay tribute by having our own death pool. As 2009 is almost over, our picks are for people we think will die by the end of 2010…. yes, we’re going to burn in hell, we know.
Follow the jump to see our picks.

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Lycurgus: there should be a Jerking Off olympics
SlappyMcNutsack: that would mean several events
SlappyMcNutsack: what kinda JO events would exist?
SlappyMcNutsack: Distance?
SlappyMcNutsack: quantitiy?
Lycurgus: driving a manual while jerking
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: distance and quantity
Lycurgus: aim
Lycurgus: what’s that winter game where they ski to a target
Lycurgus: shoot the target
Lycurgus: then ski to the next one…
SlappyMcNutsack: bi-athalon
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: that
Lycurgus: although, we’d have to change the name
SlappyMcNutsack: back to your “driving a manual while jerking”
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: how would you judge that
Lycurgus: there’s got to be an obstacle course with cones
SlappyMcNutsack: but, does driver have to complete?
Lycurgus: and you have to complete by the time you cross the finish line
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: and how do u know he wont complete at start then finish the race
Lycurgus: driver has to complete
Lycurgus: have to start both at the same time
Lycurgus: or
Lycurgus: actually that’d be fine
Lycurgus: but might be a bad strategy
Lycurgus: if the other dude starts both at the same time
SlappyMcNutsack: hmm, requires more thought…. and some trial runs
Lycurgus: indeed
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe a HanJ olympics
Lycurgus: nice
SlappyMcNutsack: or that can be in the masturbation olympics as a group event
SlappyMcNutsack: team sport
Lycurgus: you could have duo’s
Lycurgus: team… not sure how that would work
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe like a relay
SlappyMcNutsack: like have a bunch of people on a Jerking team
SlappyMcNutsack: but you cant start till your team mate finishes
SlappyMcNutsack: then get a team time
Lycurgus: this is why i need to establish my financial independence
Lycurgus: so i can focus on more pressing matters like this
SlappyMcNutsack: agreed

It’s opening weekend for Watchmen, and though we hate people, we’re braving the crowds to bring you an eviljalapeno.com review from 3 different perspectives. Read the reviews after the jump.
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"Kurt, grip it and lip it, you pussy!"

Hall of Famer Kurt Warner’s in. Larry Fitzgerald sounds more like a middle school math teacher, than the greatest receiver in the history of history. And the Cardinals’ defense kept it rollin’.
Baltimore had a rookie QB. And it finally mattered against the greatest defense in the history of history. Nineteen turnovers in the final six minutes isn’t gonna get you to the Big Game. And Pittsburgh has a Pro Bowler at every position on defense.
So, get ready for the same four awesome Sportcenter headlines crammed down your throat for two weeks:
1. Kurt Warner loves his wife. Who, shockingly, doesn’t look as much like a troll-goblin-lesiban-softball coach as she did last time Kurt was in a Super Bowl. Mostly because she has more hair.
2. Anquan Boldin just wants to win Super Bowls.
3. Mike Tomlin is black tough.
4. Is Brett Farve coming back?
Now the early spread I jumped on was Arizona +7. This is because everyone thinks Pittsburgh’s defense is gonna make Arizona one-dimensional. Warner gets forced into throwing the ball deep every play. Steelers force turnovers and it’s a rout, kinda like what they always do. So, what you think should happen won’t. This game will be close. And if…if Arizona gets a lead, which they could easily do and make Pittsburgh chuck it. Forget it. Bet the beet farm.

Ok Jags, it’s not too hard this week. I’ve been rollin’ with the underdogs through the playoffs and I’m up. So, listen.

1. Arizona sucks. But if that defense shows up again like it did against Delhomme, well, the Eagles get smoked. Kurt Warner obviously has sold his soul to Satan. And he wears awesome striped shirts.
So, AZ at home and an underdog? Come on now. Easy.

2. Have you ever heard of Ed Reed? Yeah, that guy might be the greatest football player in the history of history. But I like the Steelers. And I like Tomlin. What I don’t like is how much Ben Rotlessburger enjoys being on his back. Dude likes being sacked more than Kurt Warner, which is saying something. And there’s this guy, Ray “The Last Boy Scout” Lewis who likes to kill people. The Ravens on the road, underdogs, rookie QB? Go with it.
Oh, and the over/under is something like 4. Probably stay away from that.

Yeah, so no Horrible Weekly Betting Advice this week. Seriously, you know the NFL and Vegas know how fucking crazy shit is when the lines are as perfectly stupid as they are this weekend.
Four home underdogs!? Yeah, right. I’m staying away.
Mostly.
The team I think least deserves to be in the playoffs, the Arizona Cardinals, should get destroyed.
I’m betting them to win.
So far, the college bowls games have been kind. The freakin’ PAC 10 is 5-0, 3-0 for me, so if Oklahoma can get it done against Touchdown Tebow, I’m taking some lucky lady out to a nice seafood dinner. Or Sizzler.

EvilJeenyus
We’re coming down the back stretch of the season, and your’s truly is still hovering around the .500 mark on my picks. I’ve missed all manner of 3, 4, 5, and even a 6 pick parlay. Many of them only by one game, and some in agonizingly cruel fashion. Only my straight bets have kept me afloat. So, by my sick gambling logic, that just means I’m due. From here, I’ll either make a fortune or go down in a blaze of glory and descend into madness. Come on the journey with me… (more…)

2. Alex Rogan had a dream. It involved kicking some Kodan Armada ass with something called a Death Blossom. And after this movie came out, I was finally proud to be living in a trailer park in rural Nebraska. For the record, yes, that guy is driving a Delorean.

EvilJeenyus
Well, we’re back after a week off, and thank your lucky ass I didn’t post last week, because I got keeeled. Not that you would take my stupid advice anyway.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Cards (-14) over Rams
This will be a shit storm. The Cards can clinch a playoff spot with a win, they’re at home and oh yeah, the Rams are terrible. Stephen Jackson is feuding with the coach, Marc Bulger is a corpse, and Kurt Warner still has God on his side. Always give the points when God is involved.

Ravens (-5) over Redskins
I’m really liking the Ravens right now. Flacco is as solid as a rookie QB can be and Ray Lewis is still a psychopath. They’ve got a solid ground game, a solid throwing game, and a defense that can still get worked up and decapitate people from time to time. I think they’ll get to Jason Campbell for a couple turnovers at least, and Portis will be out of the game by halftime.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Giants (-7) over Eagles
I don’t trust the Eagles against the good teams. The Giants are absolutely dominant on both lines, so their skill players aren’t as important. (I’m looking at you, Eli.) Nice knowing ya, Plax.

Chargers (-9) over Raiders
The Chargers have to step up and win one at some point, right? Right? They’ll either give up and lose this game by 10 or win it by 20.

Pats (-4.5) over Seahawks
I do like this game, but I absolutely HAD to put this in my picks just to mention the hit on New England’s Wes Welker last week. Ho-ly shit. That hit didn’t just give him a concussion, it probably killed his whole family.

Everybody loves an underdog:
Bucs (+3) over Panthers
I haven’t been able to figure either of these teams out all year, but I think the Bucs are better than people realize and the Panthers aren’t as good as their record indicates.

Dr. Meat’s Hooks

NCAA

Well, jags, it’s on like Voltron. Sell some plasma, sell some sperm, sell your soul. Never bet against Tim Tebow. Watch the post conference video after the Ole Miss loss. This team will roll. Tim Tebow is gonna stomp a swamp puddle in Bama. Yeah, the spread is a little much, but it’s a trick, people. Vegas, I’m on to you. You can’t hide from me anymore. You’re surrounded by landmines, surrounded by tanks, surrounded by Chuck Norris. Give up.
On a side note, yeah, I most likely have an inappropriate crush on Tebow, but someone explain to me why Mel Kiper doesn’t see Tebow as a QB in the NFL. He’s smart, fast, strong arm…? I don’t get it. Jamarcus Russell can go number 1, but Tim Tebow is projected to be a second round H-back? Ok. Feel free to explain that one to me.
Florida (9.5) And it’s probably -10 by tomorrow.
Honestly everything else is too much of a stretch. Although I’ll be pulling the trigger on Oklahoma at some point. I think they’ve scored 200 points in each of their last 5 games. And Missouri has a fat Chase Daniels that has a finance job with Warren Buffet lined up after graduation. Now there’s QB that shouldn’t get drafted.
Oklahoma (-infinity) Doesn’t matter.

NFL
I am abstaining from the NFL picks this week. Fuck the NFL.

Well, we didn’t get our picks up in time this week. But it’s better that way. Both Saturday and Sunday were pretty ugly. Two of three here. Three of four there. I stayed afloat with a couple straight bets on Saturday and some NBA basketball on Sunday, but overall it was dismal. But that’s ok, because this week is championship week. Follow our advice here later this week and you can guarantee Uncle Vincent won’t be sending you a box of broken pencils for Christmas.
Now watch this video, then go outside and punch a stop sign. It made me feel better.