It’s opening weekend for Watchmen, and though we hate people, we’re braving the crowds to bring you an eviljalapeno.com review from 3 different perspectives. Read the reviews after the jump.

The Story:
SlappyMcNutsack: I’ll start out by saying, I’m actually a big fan of the comics/graphic novel. For those that haven’t read it yet, you may be lost/confused for the first hour or so of the movie, but the graphic novel was the same way, it didn’t start getting picking up and tying things together till about halfway through. There was one thing I thought was kind of lame about the comic, and without “spoiling” anything, it was the “incident” towards the end. I think Zack Snyder did a great job of keeping this movie true to comics, and actually changed that “incident” into something, which in my opinion, was better than the comic.
Dr. Meat: Well, I wanted to come on here and blast the shit out of this movie, but that ain’t gonna happen. Firstly, I need to say that I didn’t think the graphic novel was that great. And hearing everyone/Hollywood gush about it is annoying. But, hey, it’ll sell tickets. So, needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much. I get it…it’s groundbreaking, blah, blah…spare me. But, the fact that Zack Synder took this book and made it into a pretty decent flick restores a little bit of faith in the usual shitastic movie industry. The movie stuck with the book perfectly when it needed to, drifted a bit when it could, and, most importantly, consistently reminded us that it didn’t take itself too seriously (something I thought the book did do, to a flaw). This seriousness (mostly the too cool for school opinions of Alan Moore and others stating this book wasn’t film-able?) might be why I’ve refused to give a shit. That and the fact that every picture of Alan Moore makes me think I am looking at the mutant offspring of a gang bang involving the Unabomber, Charles Manson, my meth-head neighbor, and Amy Winehouse. Obviously, we don’t know who the father is. Seriously? This guy wrote this? Wow. It looks like he’d sell the rights to the first taker. He needs the money for a fucking razor.
El Chupacabra: I really enjoyed the story, I am somewhat of a history junkie and I enjoyed the way historical moments were interjected into the plot. Also I applaud the writers for not creating typical superheros, I loved the dichotomy of good and evil in the characters and how they embraced each side equally and without prejudice. Look no further then The Comedian to see what I mean.

The Acting:
SlappyMcNutsack: The actor’s did a good job, especially Jackie Earle Haley as a Rorschach. The only negative thing I’d say about this film is I got sick of seeing Dr. Manhattan’s blue junk hanging out all over the place… I mean shit dude, you’re the most powerful person in the movie, get some fkn undies! But we did get some nice side-boobage from Malin Akerman!
Dr. Meat: The acting, like I said, didn’t take itself too seriously. From Nixon’s nose to Dr. Manhattan’s giant monotone schlong…er, voice, it worked. I agree with Slappy, though, Rorschach carried the film.
El Chupacabra: Like Dr. Meat, I did not take the acting to seriously and Rorschach did carry the film, he was a total bad ass in prison. One thing that did mess me up was looking at Nite Owl without his suit, he completly looked like Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold.

The Cinematography/Visual Effects:
SlappyMcNutsack: I thought the cinematography/visual effects were bad-ass! The fight sequences were beautiful! Snyder used a lot of similar fast/slow motion techniques that he used in 300. Lots of blood and broken bones, my kind of stuff!
Dr. Meat: Malin Ackerman’s latex costume was nice. It barely covered her labia, nice touch, so the fact that she could kick ass in that thing…well, anyway.
El Chupacabra: The visual effects were 2nd to none. The cinematography was like watching 300 on roids, I am from NYC area and they nailed the look and feel of the city in the 80’s.

The Running Time:
SlappyMcNutsack: The movie ran about 2.5+ hours. If I wasn’t so into the comics, I probably would have felt it was a bit long, however, I’m ok with the running time as there was a lot of info to capture. It would have probably done great as like a 2-3 episode mini-series or something. (do mini-series still exist?)
Dr. Meat: I didn’t have a problem with the running time. My attention drifted while reading the book (probably because of the newspaper stand dialogue and that stupid Black Freighter story), but not with the movie. The way Synder tweaked the ending, in my opinion, made the story better. So, suck it Alan Moore. I hope you get crushed to death by one of your giant piles of money made from this movie.
El Chupacabra: I had no problem with the running time of the film it was just the right amount of time. Snyder did a great job of introducing the character and flashing back to take a deep dive into their past to show what made them tick.

Overall Rating:

"Kurt, grip it and lip it, you pussy!"

Hall of Famer Kurt Warner’s in. Larry Fitzgerald sounds more like a middle school math teacher, than the greatest receiver in the history of history. And the Cardinals’ defense kept it rollin’.
Baltimore had a rookie QB. And it finally mattered against the greatest defense in the history of history. Nineteen turnovers in the final six minutes isn’t gonna get you to the Big Game. And Pittsburgh has a Pro Bowler at every position on defense.
So, get ready for the same four awesome Sportcenter headlines crammed down your throat for two weeks:
1. Kurt Warner loves his wife. Who, shockingly, doesn’t look as much like a troll-goblin-lesiban-softball coach as she did last time Kurt was in a Super Bowl. Mostly because she has more hair.
2. Anquan Boldin just wants to win Super Bowls.
3. Mike Tomlin is black tough.
4. Is Brett Farve coming back?
Now the early spread I jumped on was Arizona +7. This is because everyone thinks Pittsburgh’s defense is gonna make Arizona one-dimensional. Warner gets forced into throwing the ball deep every play. Steelers force turnovers and it’s a rout, kinda like what they always do. So, what you think should happen won’t. This game will be close. And if…if Arizona gets a lead, which they could easily do and make Pittsburgh chuck it. Forget it. Bet the beet farm.

2. Have you ever heard of Ed Reed? Yeah, that guy might be the greatest football player in the history of history. But I like the Steelers. And I like Tomlin. What I don’t like is how much Ben Rotlessburger enjoys being on his back. Dude likes being sacked more than Kurt Warner, which is saying something. And there’s this guy, Ray “The Last Boy Scout” Lewis who likes to kill people. The Ravens on the road, underdogs, rookie QB? Go with it.
Oh, and the over/under is something like 4. Probably stay away from that.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Bears (-3) over Saints
The Saints are pathetic on the road and it’s gonna be cold, snowy, and windy. Not exactly Drew Brees’ ideal conditions for throwing the ball. Meanwhile, the neck-bearded one, Kyle Orton, has been specifically grooming his facial hair for this very scenario to keep him warm. The over/under is currently at 46, too. I like that under.

Colts (-17) over Lions
I’m a believer. The Lions aren’t going to win a game this year, and the Colts still need to keep winning to secure a spot. As long as Peyton doesn’t lay an egg like he did two weeks ago, the Colts should win this one by 4 TD’s.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Titans (-3) over Texans
This is a tricky, tricky line. Everybody thinks it should be higher. Everybody thinks that Vegas is overrating the Texans because of their recent good play. Luckily for you, I’ve got it figured out. Vegas wants you to think that they’re trying to trick you into betting on the Titans, so that you’ll actually bet on the Texans. Some people may fall for that trap, but not me. I’m betting on the Titans. Did that sound insane? Good.

Chargers (-5.5) over Chiefs
It’s almost certainly too late for the Chargers, but this is the time of year last year that they went on a roll to save Norv’s job.

Panthers (-7) over Broncos
The Panthers just destroyed a pretty good defense on Monday night, so I’m giddy with anticipation to see what they’ll do to the Bronco’s D. The Denver defense practically ushers the other team down field. Excuse me, sir. What’s that? You’d like to run by me? Well, by all means, let me show you the way to the end zone. Can I carry that ball for you?

Everybody loves an underdog:
Niners (+6.5) over Miami
The Niners are on a roll. Sure, Miami has been good, but 6.5 points is pushing it.

Seahawks (+3) over Rams
Really?! The Rams are FAVORITES?! If this wasn’t an upset pick, and the Seahawks were favored by three, I would have to invent a new category to put it in. Like an “I will willingly shower for a week in a federal prison if I lose this pick” lock. (Ha! See, I didn’t mention if it was a men’s federal prison…)

EvilJeenyus
Well, we’re back after a week off, and thank your lucky ass I didn’t post last week, because I got keeeled. Not that you would take my stupid advice anyway.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Cards (-14) over Rams
This will be a shit storm. The Cards can clinch a playoff spot with a win, they’re at home and oh yeah, the Rams are terrible. Stephen Jackson is feuding with the coach, Marc Bulger is a corpse, and Kurt Warner still has God on his side. Always give the points when God is involved.

Ravens (-5) over Redskins
I’m really liking the Ravens right now. Flacco is as solid as a rookie QB can be and Ray Lewis is still a psychopath. They’ve got a solid ground game, a solid throwing game, and a defense that can still get worked up and decapitate people from time to time. I think they’ll get to Jason Campbell for a couple turnovers at least, and Portis will be out of the game by halftime.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Giants (-7) over Eagles
I don’t trust the Eagles against the good teams. The Giants are absolutely dominant on both lines, so their skill players aren’t as important. (I’m looking at you, Eli.) Nice knowing ya, Plax.

Chargers (-9) over Raiders
The Chargers have to step up and win one at some point, right? Right? They’ll either give up and lose this game by 10 or win it by 20.

Pats (-4.5) over Seahawks
I do like this game, but I absolutely HAD to put this in my picks just to mention the hit on New England’s Wes Welker last week. Ho-ly shit. That hit didn’t just give him a concussion, it probably killed his whole family.

Everybody loves an underdog:
Bucs (+3) over Panthers
I haven’t been able to figure either of these teams out all year, but I think the Bucs are better than people realize and the Panthers aren’t as good as their record indicates.

Dr. Meat’s Hooks

NCAA

Well, jags, it’s on like Voltron. Sell some plasma, sell some sperm, sell your soul. Never bet against Tim Tebow. Watch the post conference video after the Ole Miss loss. This team will roll. Tim Tebow is gonna stomp a swamp puddle in Bama. Yeah, the spread is a little much, but it’s a trick, people. Vegas, I’m on to you. You can’t hide from me anymore. You’re surrounded by landmines, surrounded by tanks, surrounded by Chuck Norris. Give up.
On a side note, yeah, I most likely have an inappropriate crush on Tebow, but someone explain to me why Mel Kiper doesn’t see Tebow as a QB in the NFL. He’s smart, fast, strong arm…? I don’t get it. Jamarcus Russell can go number 1, but Tim Tebow is projected to be a second round H-back? Ok. Feel free to explain that one to me.
Florida (9.5) And it’s probably -10 by tomorrow.
Honestly everything else is too much of a stretch. Although I’ll be pulling the trigger on Oklahoma at some point. I think they’ve scored 200 points in each of their last 5 games. And Missouri has a fat Chase Daniels that has a finance job with Warren Buffet lined up after graduation. Now there’s QB that shouldn’t get drafted.
Oklahoma (-infinity) Doesn’t matter.

NFL
I am abstaining from the NFL picks this week. Fuck the NFL.

Well, we didn’t get our picks up in time this week. But it’s better that way. Both Saturday and Sunday were pretty ugly. Two of three here. Three of four there. I stayed afloat with a couple straight bets on Saturday and some NBA basketball on Sunday, but overall it was dismal. But that’s ok, because this week is championship week. Follow our advice here later this week and you can guarantee Uncle Vincent won’t be sending you a box of broken pencils for Christmas.
Now watch this video, then go outside and punch a stop sign. It made me feel better.