WTF

Can you spot the power top? Holy crap how the hell did they miss this?

2. Jesus, this looks horrible. Hey, Samuel L. Jackson, we get it, you’re a fan boy. That doesn’t mean you have to be in every fucking movie in the genre. And Nick Fury’s white. Douche.

3. I’ve had it up to here (pointing to my asshole) with this motherfucker. Hey, Kevin, remember when you played in Minnesota and you and your team sucked serious cock? Congratulations on getting traded to a championship team. Way to go on being a humble, grateful team player. You handle yourself with the dignity and grace of a true champion. Your family must be proud that your not a total asshole and that all of this success hasn’t gone to your giant head. You fucking prick.

4. I fucking hate little dogs.

5. Call of Duty 5. This motherfucking game is the bane of my existence. The first 20 seconds of this video pretty much sums it up for me. Besides the fact that some punk-ass bitch is blowing my arms and legs off before I can even get my cross-hairs on them, they’re talking shit to me in Arabic or Chinese. Not to mention she’s probably 10 years old.

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A bunch of sources are reporting that The Roots will be the new house band for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I’m awestruck by this, but I guess somebody has to pick up the slack for that ass clown. I hate Fallon with every fiber of my being for prancing around on the field in Busch Stadium after the Red Sox beat the Cardinals in the 2004 World Series. The fact that it was just for a movie pisses me off even more. That movie was an abortion. Even Sox fans hate it, and they eat up anything that feeds their enormous egos. 

What I can’t understand is, the Roots are fucking awesome, and Jimmy Fallon is most definitely the antithesis of awesome. The Roots are a bunch of cool, edgy hip-hop guys, and Fallon is a geeky white guy that laughs at his own jokes too much. It’s the equivalent of Bob Dylan hanging out with the retards from The Hills. Why would they agree to do this? I just can’t fathom how they’ll mesh, although I guess the one thing they have in common is that they’re big with college-aged kids, so maybe it’s a perfect storm of ratings for the pot-smoking, glue-sniffing demographic. I guess somebody has to be buying “SNL: Best of Jimmy Fallon” DVD’s. Let me guess…2 hours of smirking and giggling at Horatio Sanz? I’ll pass.

Anyways, this reminds me of a good story that brought joy to my black heart. A friend of mine that lives in NYC was once at a party that Fallon attended, and ended up playing table tennis (beer pong, probably) against Fallon. The stakes of the game were that the loser had to buy the winner a shot. Well, my friend proceeded to dominate Jimmy, and trash-talk him the whole way. So, before the game even ended, Jimmy ended up getting pissy and storming off. For the rest of the night, my friend followed Jimmy around the party, while he was trying to talk to people and hit on girls and repeated, over and over, “Hey Jimmy, you owe me a shot! Hey Jimmy, you owe me a shot!”. Needless to say, Mr. Fallon was nonplussed. I wish I would have been there, because that just illustrates to me that he’s exactly the weaselly little shit that I think he is.

If you watch these two videos less than seven times each and don’t piss yourself at least four times, you, my friend, are not eviljalapeno material.  Holy Shit! I love America, although rumor has it those oompa-loompa lookin’ sonsabitches are from Canada?  The other guy?  He’s fuckin’ serious. www.chrisdaneowens.com

Looks like Spider-Man 4 is gonna be just like the rest of them… ghey!