This video pretty much sums it up, but I’ll gladly take a few moments of my employer’s time to give you wankers a few more:



1. Tacos.



We’ve spoken before about the greatness of Mexican food, specifically tacos. Besides this amazing actor, I can’t think of a more gracious gift a country as beautiful as Mexico could give to the world. Now, it’s well known inside the EJ circle of trust that I could easily eat tacos for every meal. And before that statement is questioned, please note I haven’t eaten breakfast in 7 years. So, do society a favor and comment below if you have a favorite. More than likely, if I’ve never tried them, I will.
I love tacos.

2. William Shatner.



Most people see Shatner as a novelty. I see Shatner as a genius. And not just because he got away with murder.
Here’s some examples: awesome, more awesome, and most awesome.

3. Guns. Specifically guns that will stop a charging bear.



There is much debate over the effectiveness of carrying a gun while in bear country. Mostly whether bear spray deters these sonsabitches better than lead? Some say common sense is your only weapon. I say why not all three? I carry bear spray. I sing show tunes at the top of my lungs while stomping through the bush. And I carry one of these bad boys:



4. Bloody Marys.



I mentioned my disregard for breakfast, but if drinking sangria marias counts, then I’m a fat liar. Bloodys were sent straight from heaven. And I consider them proof that being drunk and hungover isn’t a sin. The bloody is about two things: just the right amount of spice and big fat olives. A good bloody has a pepperoni stick instead of celery. A salted rim flavored with worcestershire sauce. And top shelf vodka.
Spice it how you like.
Dr. Meat likes his a little less spicy than most, but that’s usually becuase the chicken wings he’s having for lunch are hot enough.

5. Having the NFL Draft be over. So we don’t have to look at Mel Kiper’s fucking face hair anymore. Or listen to this fucking windbag say shit like “upside” or “physicality” or “game-changer”.

2. Fucking Bitches.

3. Take your pick here, being on hold, condescending operators, talking to a machine, or fucking bitches (again).

4. Steroids. Wait, I actually don’t give two shits about steroids or steroids in sports. I just like this video. And Mark McGwire should be in the Hall and that’s all I have to say about that. Take yer vitamins, monkeys.

5. Fucking Bears. The end of this video might be the greatest thing I have ever seen. This why the internet was invented. Thank you, Al Gore.

For President’s Day, we’d like to share with you the real story of the events that took place at Ford’s theater the day that Lincoln was assasinated:

Baseball’s winter meetings start in Vegas today, and with them all sorts of shit will start to go down. Billions of dollars worth of contracts will be signed. Trades will be consummated that will effect teams for years down the road. But the first order of business is the end of a career, as Greg Maddux is expected to announce his retirement. From STLtoday.com:

“The news that Maddux would retire was an above-the-fold story in Saturday’s Las Vegas Review-Journal. The righthander won four Cy Young Awards, starting with the Cubs but starring mostly with Atlanta, and he won 18 Gold Gloves, including one this past season. He’ll retire seven wins shy of passing Pud Galvin and Kid Nichols for sixth all time and 19 wins short of moving into third-place all-time by leapfrogging Pete Alexander and Christy Mathewson.”

Now, take another look at that quote for a second. When you’re in the neighborhood of Christy Mathewson (Wins) and Ozzie Smith (Gold Gloves), you’re a helluva player. And when you’re passing pitchers on MLB’s All-Time lists with names like “Pud” and “Kid” that probably pitched 500 innings a year from the time they were 15 until their arms fell off at 35, you’ve been around a while. Excellence AND longevity! Plus, look at that mustache up there! That’s Hall of Fame facial hair! There’s no question that he’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer when his time comes. It’s just fun to look back and realize that we’ve been able seen a rare talent for so long. I really hope he saved enough money to retire comfortably…

So, yeah, the J-E-T-S are pretty good this year. But let’s face it…they’ll NEVER be as good as they were when they had the greatest player the NFL has ever seen…FLASH! (AAAAAAAAAHHH!)
If you have any kind of spine you will watch this video and promptly run outside and tackle a toyota camry. Or go to a gay bar dressed as Freddie Mercury. Win-win, either way because this movie is top all-time awesome.

Smile guys!! OK, this time with both sides of the mouth, Milo!

So, do you think when Milo Ventimiglia is making sweet, sweet love to Hayden Panettiere in her cheerleader outfit, he thinks of the fact that he’s banging the plucky little girl from Remember the Titans? 

Fucking pervert.