This blog is pushing through like a kidney stone. So, buckle up. There could be a lot of blood.
This one’s gonna be a slap-fest. We’re pitting “probably gay” Mr. Fantastic v. “maybe gay” Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, I know, Wolverine gay? He’s the bad-assiest bad ass ever? Well, did you see Jackman host the Oscars? Yeah, neither did we, but we heard it was a bunch of tight pants Broadway bullshit.
Round One: Mr. Fantastic v. Wolverine

Mr. Fantastic

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So, Oprah is so damn hangry she could eat Tyler Perry. And I’d bet my pimp hand that The View has lost their minds discussing all the different ways Chris Brown should die. But what’s more entertaining are the views of America’s teens: (more…)

1. AT&T.

Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.


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Dear Santa,
I’m easy this year. I already got my CGC 9.8 New Mutants #98. I just had a doctor’s appointment and my cholesterol is finally down below Defcon 4. And the Yankees sealed their fate for the next 10 years by continuing to severely overpay for fat, bum-elbowed meat chuckers. So, I really don’t need anything I don’t already have, except for maybe a rub down from Megan Fox? But I’ll throw together a list for you and your elves anyway. Enjoy the double-stuffed oreos and cow juice, as usual, my good friend.

1. Damn-near life size replica of the Aluminum Falcon.

2. Speaking of cholesterol, we’ve all heard of Bacon Salt, but there’s a new sheriff in town, Baconnaise. Hot Damn!

3. Usually I’m not a fan of video games based on movies. But I’ll make an exception with this one.

4. The zombie invasion is coming. We need to be prepared.

5. I’d read this beauty for the articles.

Thanks Santa.   Hugs,
Dr. Meat

11:32am Woke up.
11:33am Didn’t shower.
11:38am Ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes.
11:41am Watched Sportscenter.
11:45am Fired up the PS3.
11:47am First 10 Kill Streak on Call of Duty 5.
12:08pm Second 10 Kill Streak on Call of Duty 5.
12:17pm Burned frozen pizza.
12:22pm Drove to McDonalds.
12:25pm Ate McDonalds.
12:37pm Back to PS3.
1:49pm   Masturbated to the new GQ pics of Jennifer Aniston.*
1:52pm   Nap.
5:08pm   Woke up.
5:12pm   Read 8 comic books in bed.**
6:30pm   Left house to watch “The Day The Earth Stood Still”. Keanu is the man.***
9:00pm   Fired up the PS3.
9:15pm   Third 10 Kill Streak on Call of Duty 5.
1:01am   Ate previously burned frozen pizza washed down with two Mountain Dews.
4:21am   Masturbated to the new GQ pics of Jennifer Aniston.*
4:23am   Went to bed.

*I didn’t actually use the magazine. I used the internet. Because that magazine is for gay bankers and fans of Tom Brady.
**These books included “Watchmen” and “Y:The Last Man”. Both, of which, should but probably won’t make excellent movies.
***Keanu is the man. Don’t get me wrong, he’s laid more than his fair share of turds in Hollywood. However, if you haven’t seen “Constantine”, do yourself the favor. It’s like Johnny Utah fighting Bodhi, except Bodhi is fucking Satan.

Once again, it’s that time of year where we all sit back and give thanks for all the things we appreciate in life.

As we prepare our cookies and milk to leave out tonight for Thanksgiving Claus, we put together the 2008 eviljalapeno.com “Things We Are Thankful For” Top 10:

10. Sundried Tomato & Basil Wheat Thins: Quite possibly, the world’s greatest snack.  Thank you Nabisco!

9. LeBron James: I mean what’s the over/under on months until his “Eagle, CO raped an 18 year waitress” moment? I say later this year.

8. Mountain Dew: Nectar of the Gods. And great for decreasing your sperm count.

7. Robot Chicken’s Star Wars episodes: If you haven’t seen them yet, you suck. Seach the web for episodes or click HERE to buy them.

6. Kick-Ass (the comic book):Comic books have been sucking lately (i.e. the Red Hulk series)… but Mark Millar’s Kick-Ass is living up to it’s title.  Let’s just hope they don’t fuck it up with the movie (seriously, you’re putting Nicholas Cage in it!!?!?!?!?!)

5. Anderson Cooper: This Silver Fox is one more natural disaster away from world domination.

4. Chipotle: Barbacoa crunchy taco’s with hot and corn salsa… the meal you enjoy twice… enough said.

3. Playstation 3: Thank you for keeping us up till 3 a.m. and giving our significant others yet another reason to be mad at us.

2. Olivia Munn:Thank you for not only being extremely hot, but also digging video games, cool gadgets, joking around about vag juices, and looking awesome in a Slave Princess Leia outfit.

1. Call of Duty: We picked up Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare the day it was released, and played it almost exclusively until Call of Duty 5: World at War arrived.  Yes in that time, we’ve picked up other shooters and we’ve been completely disappointed.  Army of Two, great trailer, shitty game play.  Haze, WTF is this crap?  Battlefield: Bad Company, we waited so long for this game, and about 20 minutes after trying it, we were back to Call of Duty.   The Call of Duty series definitely set the benchmarks for all other shooters to compete with, we hope you other development studios step the fuck up!

(nope, no Call of Duty pic here, we’re still drooling over Oliva)

From all of us here at eviljalapeno.com, we hope you all have a great Thanksgiving… and as always… GFY!