Mr. Fantastic

1. Kicking Ass.
Reed Richards is not someone whom most associate with ass-kicking, at least not anyone with a penis bigger than this guy’s. And it most likely has everything to do with his skinny rubber arms. But apparently, he has crazy strength and power. He’s super smart and has control over his molecules, which would be great for a circus monkey or a porn star. Sadly, neither of which Mr. Fantastic cares anything about. He’s too busy making Stephen Hawking look like Stephen Baldwin.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
This is irrelevant with Mr. Fantastic. He has Sue Storm. And if she was really even half as hot as Jessica Alba, he’d take a break every 10 minutes to show her what was so fantastic about Mr. Fantastic. I mean really, dude? That name makes you sound like a big-haired, steroid raging, professional wrestling, ladies man. But no, you’re more like McLovin, a twenty-five year old Hawaiian organ donor. You’d at least think he would become proficient in being able to work the microscope in his lab with one hand and then with the other hand stretch into the bedroom and double click Sue’s mouse? But no, you have marital issues. They write this shit into the comics? It was part of the plot in the movies? WTF? I’ve touched on how this emotional bullshit ruins the Fantastic Four. I know two things:
1. Here at EJ we know nothing about feelings and relationships.
2. We do know, however, this sort of bullshit doesn’t belong anywhere in a Marvel monthly. We want more smashing, less whining.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
No. But I would pee in Jessica Alba’s butt.

Score:

Wolverine

1. Kicking Ass.
Weapon X strong. Bad ass temper. Sweet name. Yeah, Logan can kick some ass. He’s a ninja.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Wolverine does alright with the ladies, which probably has a lot to do with his amazing sideburns. He’s in the X-men, which has it’s fair share of hotties. And he’s a bad boy, so he’s every slut’s dream. But, you gotta figure, with that temper, he might be very capable of going Chris Brown on your ass. So, ladies, tread lightly.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Absolutely. He likes to drink, mostly because his life sucks and it dulls the pain, but also because he takes joy in breaking shit. This is a trait we can appreciate.

Score:


Head-to-head: Not even close. Logan wins in a landslide. Mr. Fantastic takes every opportunity to be a douche. He neglects his hot wife. He was behind the plan to exile Hulk to Sakaar. And he was partly responsible for the Skrull invasion. You, sir, are useless. On the other hand, Mr. Jackman, this movie that you’ve preached you care so much about better not suck. Wolverine, you are loved, but truth be told, I’m going dressed up as Deadpool. Sorry.

ADVANTAGE: WOLVERINE

Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.







2.  Street Fighter.







Look, Hollywood or Hong Kong or someone is trying to improve upon the first JCVD verison of Street Fighter. This is something I could do with crayons on a table at T.G.I.Fridays, but whatever.
Disturbingly, if I ever procreate, it’s seems like Hollywood wants to help make sure my kids hate me.
“Hey, son, Star Wars is cool.”
“Yeah, dad, I saw Episodes I, II, and III. There were great. Loser.”
“Hey, son, I used to play Street Fighter all the time. It’s sweet.”
“Yeah, dad, your video games are more gay than Brody Jenner.”
“Damn.”
Anyway, the hot girl from Smallville is in this, as is this guy, whom I like for some reason.
Click here for the trailer.
This won’t be good, right? We not gonna see this, right?



3. Casino Buffets.







Granted I’ve only needed to eat at a couple of these travesties. One being in Treasure Island and the other, I think, was on some Indian reservation in Washington? Anyway, the food never looks like the giant displays before you go in. And buffet lines have to be the leading cause for food poisioning in the world. Ok, maybe just in America, I’ll concede that it’s something different in Somalia. So in some emergency room in Las Vegas, do you think the staff there says, “Another victim of the Golden Nugget shrimp cocktail.”? I think so.



4. Nic Cage







I put this picture up because it’s really the only thing this turd has ever done that’s worth a crap, except maybe, MAYBE..The Rock. And I only say that because I’m related to Sean Connery. So, see what I mean? No doubt, he’s gonna throw up all over Kick-Ass when that comes out. And this clip from a masterpiece called Con Air shows exactly what I’m talking about…the accent, the emotion, the awesome-ness:







5. You can’t make this shit up, I mean, look at that shirt he’s wearing.

2. Speaking of cholesterol, we’ve all heard of Bacon Salt, but there’s a new sheriff in town, Baconnaise. Hot Damn!

3. Usually I’m not a fan of video games based on movies. But I’ll make an exception with this one.

4. The zombie invasion is coming. We need to be prepared.

5. I’d read this beauty for the articles.

Thanks Santa.   Hugs,
Dr. Meat

*I didn’t actually use the magazine. I used the internet. Because that magazine is for gay bankers and fans of Tom Brady.
**These books included “Watchmen” and “Y:The Last Man”. Both, of which, should but probably won’t make excellent movies.
***Keanu is the man. Don’t get me wrong, he’s laid more than his fair share of turds in Hollywood. However, if you haven’t seen “Constantine”, do yourself the favor. It’s like Johnny Utah fighting Bodhi, except Bodhi is fucking Satan.

Once again, it’s that time of year where we all sit back and give thanks for all the things we appreciate in life.

As we prepare our cookies and milk to leave out tonight for Thanksgiving Claus, we put together the 2008 eviljalapeno.com “Things We Are Thankful For” Top 10:

10. Sundried Tomato & Basil Wheat Thins: Quite possibly, the world’s greatest snack.  Thank you Nabisco!

9. LeBron James: I mean what’s the over/under on months until his “Eagle, CO raped an 18 year waitress” moment? I say later this year.

8. Mountain Dew: Nectar of the Gods. And great for decreasing your sperm count.

7. Robot Chicken’s Star Wars episodes: If you haven’t seen them yet, you suck. Seach the web for episodes or click HERE to buy them.

6. Kick-Ass (the comic book):Comic books have been sucking lately (i.e. the Red Hulk series)… but Mark Millar’s Kick-Ass is living up to it’s title.  Let’s just hope they don’t fuck it up with the movie (seriously, you’re putting Nicholas Cage in it!!?!?!?!?!)

5. Anderson Cooper: This Silver Fox is one more natural disaster away from world domination.

4. Chipotle: Barbacoa crunchy taco’s with hot and corn salsa… the meal you enjoy twice… enough said.

3. Playstation 3: Thank you for keeping us up till 3 a.m. and giving our significant others yet another reason to be mad at us.

2. Olivia Munn:Thank you for not only being extremely hot, but also digging video games, cool gadgets, joking around about vag juices, and looking awesome in a Slave Princess Leia outfit.

1. Call of Duty: We picked up Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare the day it was released, and played it almost exclusively until Call of Duty 5: World at War arrived.  Yes in that time, we’ve picked up other shooters and we’ve been completely disappointed.  Army of Two, great trailer, shitty game play.  Haze, WTF is this crap?  Battlefield: Bad Company, we waited so long for this game, and about 20 minutes after trying it, we were back to Call of Duty.   The Call of Duty series definitely set the benchmarks for all other shooters to compete with, we hope you other development studios step the fuck up!

(nope, no Call of Duty pic here, we’re still drooling over Oliva)

From all of us here at eviljalapeno.com, we hope you all have a great Thanksgiving… and as always… GFY!