Where’s Katrina when I need her!

Via STLtoday:

BELLEVILLE, IL— With a revoked license because of a previous drunken-driving conviction, Dennis Cretton shouldn’t drive.

But authorities say that didn’t stop the 49-year-old Belleville-area man from drunkenly driving up to a gas station for more beer –on his yellow riding lawnmower.

Cretton has been charged with felony aggravated driving under the influence after neighbors reported he was weaving in and out of traffic on his lawnmower Friday night.

When deputies tried to stop him, authorities say Bretton drove the mower into his home’s front yard, his 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best spilling onto the ground along the way.

Cretton is free on $10,000 bond. Calls to his home went unanswered Tuesday.

This video pretty much sums it up, but I’ll gladly take a few moments of my employer’s time to give you wankers a few more:



1. Tacos.



We’ve spoken before about the greatness of Mexican food, specifically tacos. Besides this amazing actor, I can’t think of a more gracious gift a country as beautiful as Mexico could give to the world. Now, it’s well known inside the EJ circle of trust that I could easily eat tacos for every meal. And before that statement is questioned, please note I haven’t eaten breakfast in 7 years. So, do society a favor and comment below if you have a favorite. More than likely, if I’ve never tried them, I will.
I love tacos.

2. William Shatner.



Most people see Shatner as a novelty. I see Shatner as a genius. And not just because he got away with murder.
Here’s some examples: awesome, more awesome, and most awesome.

3. Guns. Specifically guns that will stop a charging bear.



There is much debate over the effectiveness of carrying a gun while in bear country. Mostly whether bear spray deters these sonsabitches better than lead? Some say common sense is your only weapon. I say why not all three? I carry bear spray. I sing show tunes at the top of my lungs while stomping through the bush. And I carry one of these bad boys:



4. Bloody Marys.



I mentioned my disregard for breakfast, but if drinking sangria marias counts, then I’m a fat liar. Bloodys were sent straight from heaven. And I consider them proof that being drunk and hungover isn’t a sin. The bloody is about two things: just the right amount of spice and big fat olives. A good bloody has a pepperoni stick instead of celery. A salted rim flavored with worcestershire sauce. And top shelf vodka.
Spice it how you like.
Dr. Meat likes his a little less spicy than most, but that’s usually becuase the chicken wings he’s having for lunch are hot enough.

5. Having the NFL Draft be over. So we don’t have to look at Mel Kiper’s fucking face hair anymore. Or listen to this fucking windbag say shit like “upside” or “physicality” or “game-changer”.

Kate sucks.

If you think about it, she never really accomplishes anything, just screws shit up. She struts her stuff around, thinking she’s all hot shit, getting guys to fall for her, then goes and screws shit up for everyone. She can’t ever just do what she say’s she’s gonna do! She’s always wandering off and getting caught somehow, wasting everyones time and ruining their plans because they have to go save her again. Even when she’s trying to help, she somehow fucks everything up… or she can’t keep a secret… or she accidentally gives away some plan because she can’t lie worth a crap… UGH, I can’t stand her!

What a cunt.

Did no one have the imagination to make a Chia Bush or better yet a Chia Lewinsky cigar dispenser the name alone makes me want to buy one.