Where’s Katrina when I need her!

This video pretty much sums it up, but I’ll gladly take a few moments of my employer’s time to give you wankers a few more:



1. Tacos.



We’ve spoken before about the greatness of Mexican food, specifically tacos. Besides this amazing actor, I can’t think of a more gracious gift a country as beautiful as Mexico could give to the world. Now, it’s well known inside the EJ circle of trust that I could easily eat tacos for every meal. And before that statement is questioned, please note I haven’t eaten breakfast in 7 years. So, do society a favor and comment below if you have a favorite. More than likely, if I’ve never tried them, I will.
I love tacos.

2. William Shatner.



Most people see Shatner as a novelty. I see Shatner as a genius. And not just because he got away with murder.
Here’s some examples: awesome, more awesome, and most awesome.

3. Guns. Specifically guns that will stop a charging bear.



There is much debate over the effectiveness of carrying a gun while in bear country. Mostly whether bear spray deters these sonsabitches better than lead? Some say common sense is your only weapon. I say why not all three? I carry bear spray. I sing show tunes at the top of my lungs while stomping through the bush. And I carry one of these bad boys:



4. Bloody Marys.



I mentioned my disregard for breakfast, but if drinking sangria marias counts, then I’m a fat liar. Bloodys were sent straight from heaven. And I consider them proof that being drunk and hungover isn’t a sin. The bloody is about two things: just the right amount of spice and big fat olives. A good bloody has a pepperoni stick instead of celery. A salted rim flavored with worcestershire sauce. And top shelf vodka.
Spice it how you like.
Dr. Meat likes his a little less spicy than most, but that’s usually becuase the chicken wings he’s having for lunch are hot enough.

5. Having the NFL Draft be over. So we don’t have to look at Mel Kiper’s fucking face hair anymore. Or listen to this fucking windbag say shit like “upside” or “physicality” or “game-changer”.

"Kurt, grip it and lip it, you pussy!"

Hall of Famer Kurt Warner’s in. Larry Fitzgerald sounds more like a middle school math teacher, than the greatest receiver in the history of history. And the Cardinals’ defense kept it rollin’.
Baltimore had a rookie QB. And it finally mattered against the greatest defense in the history of history. Nineteen turnovers in the final six minutes isn’t gonna get you to the Big Game. And Pittsburgh has a Pro Bowler at every position on defense.
So, get ready for the same four awesome Sportcenter headlines crammed down your throat for two weeks:
1. Kurt Warner loves his wife. Who, shockingly, doesn’t look as much like a troll-goblin-lesiban-softball coach as she did last time Kurt was in a Super Bowl. Mostly because she has more hair.
2. Anquan Boldin just wants to win Super Bowls.
3. Mike Tomlin is black tough.
4. Is Brett Farve coming back?
Now the early spread I jumped on was Arizona +7. This is because everyone thinks Pittsburgh’s defense is gonna make Arizona one-dimensional. Warner gets forced into throwing the ball deep every play. Steelers force turnovers and it’s a rout, kinda like what they always do. So, what you think should happen won’t. This game will be close. And if…if Arizona gets a lead, which they could easily do and make Pittsburgh chuck it. Forget it. Bet the beet farm.

2. Have you ever heard of Ed Reed? Yeah, that guy might be the greatest football player in the history of history. But I like the Steelers. And I like Tomlin. What I don’t like is how much Ben Rotlessburger enjoys being on his back. Dude likes being sacked more than Kurt Warner, which is saying something. And there’s this guy, Ray “The Last Boy Scout” Lewis who likes to kill people. The Ravens on the road, underdogs, rookie QB? Go with it.
Oh, and the over/under is something like 4. Probably stay away from that.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Bears (-3) over Saints
The Saints are pathetic on the road and it’s gonna be cold, snowy, and windy. Not exactly Drew Brees’ ideal conditions for throwing the ball. Meanwhile, the neck-bearded one, Kyle Orton, has been specifically grooming his facial hair for this very scenario to keep him warm. The over/under is currently at 46, too. I like that under.

Colts (-17) over Lions
I’m a believer. The Lions aren’t going to win a game this year, and the Colts still need to keep winning to secure a spot. As long as Peyton doesn’t lay an egg like he did two weeks ago, the Colts should win this one by 4 TD’s.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Titans (-3) over Texans
This is a tricky, tricky line. Everybody thinks it should be higher. Everybody thinks that Vegas is overrating the Texans because of their recent good play. Luckily for you, I’ve got it figured out. Vegas wants you to think that they’re trying to trick you into betting on the Titans, so that you’ll actually bet on the Texans. Some people may fall for that trap, but not me. I’m betting on the Titans. Did that sound insane? Good.

Chargers (-5.5) over Chiefs
It’s almost certainly too late for the Chargers, but this is the time of year last year that they went on a roll to save Norv’s job.

Panthers (-7) over Broncos
The Panthers just destroyed a pretty good defense on Monday night, so I’m giddy with anticipation to see what they’ll do to the Bronco’s D. The Denver defense practically ushers the other team down field. Excuse me, sir. What’s that? You’d like to run by me? Well, by all means, let me show you the way to the end zone. Can I carry that ball for you?

Everybody loves an underdog:
Niners (+6.5) over Miami
The Niners are on a roll. Sure, Miami has been good, but 6.5 points is pushing it.

Seahawks (+3) over Rams
Really?! The Rams are FAVORITES?! If this wasn’t an upset pick, and the Seahawks were favored by three, I would have to invent a new category to put it in. Like an “I will willingly shower for a week in a federal prison if I lose this pick” lock. (Ha! See, I didn’t mention if it was a men’s federal prison…)

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