eviljalapeno.com » Poop

Shit Transplant

SlappyMcNutsack — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:49:19 +0000

I’ve heard of sex changes…
I’ve heard of organ transplants…
I’ve heard of vaginaplasty…
I’ve heard of men getting fake tits…
But leave it to Dr. Meat to throw me off guard and tell me about a new procedure they’re about to start doing:
Fecal Bacteriotherapy.

Typically shit doesn’t bothers me, I’m usually the first person to drop a big duece and send pictures of it out to all my (so-called) friends, but this is fucking disgusting. The jist of it is you replace the bacteria in the colon with bacteria from a donor with good bacteria… done in 2 different ways, either getting an enema with a puree of another person’s shit, or getting a tube down your throat to your stomach and having the shit puree poured in.

Shitting in someone else’s ass… for medicine… WTF!

I’m thinking the doctors somewhere got stoned, watch 2 Girls 1 Cup, and on a dare turned it into a procedure.

This is why I’m not in medicine.

Son, you got a panty on your head…

SlappyMcNutsack — Wed, 13 May 2009 19:34:13 +0000

Wow, it’s been a while since my last post. I promise to do a better job of keeping this site up to date with more content… (wish my other writers would too… hint hint pricks!)

Anyway, on a recent trip to the store at 3am, I saw a bunch of cops driving by in pursuit of something, and it reminded me of the movie Raising Arizona, with one of the greatest chase scenes of all time… check it:

AotW: Cows (Specifically, Cows in India).

Dr. Meat — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 07:45:48 +0000

If I ever find a genie’s lamp, these would be my three wishes:

1. I would want to wake up the next morning in a park, badly beaten with amnesia. In my pocket, a random locker key from the train station. In that locker, a small bag of $100 bills and 11 different passports.
2. I would want Kobe Bryant to be raped by Roger Clemens while Barry Bonds films it.
3. Finally, when the end of the world comes, it should involve robots with alien technology.

By the sound of this article, those robots better get their asses in gear. Maybe this is old news. But apparently, our demise WILL BE boring ol’ greenhouse gases. But not from cars or factories, no, but from cow farts. Bullshit? No, really bull shit. Get it? Cattle ass gas. I guess the asshole’s the real asshole this time? Ok, I’ll stop.

5 More Reasons To Kill Yourself

Dr. Meat — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:02:12 +0000

* BLOCKBUSTER sucks edition…no, Hollywood sucks edition.

Along with my solution to solve the world of procreating idiots, (see number 5) I have another theory that would solve or at least put a nice dent in world poverty and hunger. Hollywood needs some motherfuckin’ accountability. There needs to be some type of council, elected commission, or government appointed panel that decides whether or not a movie should be allowed to be made. I understand freedom of expression, freedom of speech, and free will, all that shit, but come on?! There only needs to be one rule, one deal breaker…does this movie make you more stupid?

I’m picturing an acronym. I dunno…something like CADA (Citizens Against Dumb America)?

Now, if a movie gets to a certain point in production, CADA has the authority to stop it in its tracks and take all the money devoted to this waste of time and give it to those kids in Slumdog Millionaire or something? I mean we’re talking bags of money here, right? The money from White Chicks, Deuce Bigalow, and Scary Movie 8 alone would feed everyone in Darfur until their bellies exploded from something other than ascites.

I don’t know…call me a dreamer, but after a recent visit to the video store, I found a few candidates that should have been blown up from the start:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Mmmm.

Dr. Meat — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:18:38 +0000

This one goes out to the National Football League. Now read that again, but this time pretend you’re Merrill Hodge and say it like he does. Because he’s awesome. Now stab yourself in the heart with screwdriver for pretending to be Merrill Hodge because he’s a fucking goon. Next week I’m just crumpling up $50 and just throwing it at a homeless person. For good college picks karma.

The Wonders of Fiber

EvilJeenyus — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 05:58:54 +0000

SlappyMcNutsack: hold please, about to go take my 4th shit of the day
EvilJeenyus: 4th? wtf are you eating? prune-filled oat bran muffins covered in ex-lax?
SlappyMcNutsack: i’m back
SlappyMcNutsack: naw dude, i’ve been taking metamucil every morning
SlappyMcNutsack: that shit is amazing
SlappyMcNutsack: its not a laxative per say
SlappyMcNutsack: but when you do shit
SlappyMcNutsack: you shit a lot
SlappyMcNutsack: and they are great shits too
SlappyMcNutsack: big
SlappyMcNutsack: and easy clean up!
SlappyMcNutsack: you should try it
SlappyMcNutsack: i think i turned Dr. Meat into a believer
SlappyMcNutsack: but i got Mrs. Slappy, and a few others on it
EvilJeenyus: what’s the point?
EvilJeenyus: more satisfying dumps?
SlappyMcNutsack: to make every dump an AMAZING dump
SlappyMcNutsack: with easy clean up
SlappyMcNutsack: plus, my travel schedule is wack, dont eat right while on the road, dont get enough fruits, etc. in my diet
SlappyMcNutsack: this is the fiber i need
SlappyMcNutsack: but its so satisfying, people that dont need it, take it
SlappyMcNutsack: your first metamucil shit will be almost religous
SlappyMcNutsack: oh yeah, not the metamucil wafers, not the pills, its got to be the orange powder
EvilJeenyus: i don’t have problems, so i think it would just cause me to shit my pants
SlappyMcNutsack: no, it wont
SlappyMcNutsack: just try it
SlappyMcNutsack: one of Mrs. Slappy’s friends cried and hugged me after her first metamucil shit, saying that she’s been waiting for that her whole life. and she claims she’ll name a kid after me
EvilJeenyus: cripes
SlappyMcNutsack: yea, just try it for 2 days
SlappyMcNutsack: then if you dont like it, i’ll give you your money back
EvilJeenyus: i don’t need to know about my friends bm’s
EvilJeenyus: ha
EvilJeenyus: you should be a salesman for them
SlappyMcNutsack: how do you know i’m not
SlappyMcNutsack: dude, i feel like i can breathe better after metamucil shits
SlappyMcNutsack: its like there’s this big void in my stomach now
SlappyMcNutsack: i feel like i can go for a run
EvilJeenyus: is this actually Slappy, or is this some new internet marketing technique?
SlappyMcNutsack: its like skipping thru the fields on the austrian hillside…
EvilJeenyus: V1AGRA!!! CHEAP!!!
SlappyMcNutsack: LOL
SlappyMcNutsack: i have issues…

Triple Steak Burrito.

Dr. Meat — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 03:45:08 +0000

The greatest Mexican food on this planet happens to be behind a small Mexican market in my neighborhood. It’s a dirty little hole with dollar tacos and hot sauce that will make your ass bleed. But since most of you don’t live in my ‘hood, I’ll pass along to you the next best thing. Yeah, it’s not really Mexican food, but still. Do yourself a favor and get the Triple Steak Burrito. I’ve had three this week. It’s better than the McRib. And that’s saying something.