So with what spare time I do have, I’m either giving the dogs a bath or I’m reading comics in bed usually eating some chili-cheese fritos and slurping on the Liquid Artillery special from 7-11.
As of today, I’m somewhat caught up on this new Batman story.
SPOILER ALERT: HE’S DEAD.
Yeah, ok, super heroes have died before. Usually they come back. Well, they better bring back the Bat toot sweet. If I have to read too much more about this sissy Nightwing and his new side-kick, Batman’s turd-child, I’m gonna go Adam West on a hooker. And not old-time Adam West, I’m talking Family Guy Adam West. Seriously, it’s like the old Robin from the t.v. show somehow impregnated Luke Skywalker through ass rape. And out popped this whiny little ninja, Damian.
I refuse to accept that comics are written for kids. They’re to be written for me. Only me, with more sex and violence then is thought acceptable.
Superman, go find Batman and get his ass back to Gotham before it turns into shitville.

This blog is pushing through like a kidney stone. So, buckle up. There could be a lot of blood.
This one’s gonna be a slap-fest. We’re pitting “probably gay” Mr. Fantastic v. “maybe gay” Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, I know, Wolverine gay? He’s the bad-assiest bad ass ever? Well, did you see Jackman host the Oscars? Yeah, neither did we, but we heard it was a bunch of tight pants Broadway bullshit.
Round One: Mr. Fantastic v. Wolverine

Mr. Fantastic

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Yeah, yeah, I know…it’s been awhile, but I’m back. It’s been hard to motivate what with figuring out how to spend all the money I’ve been winning during March Madness and then digesting the Battlestar Galactica finale. Anyway, here’s another epic installment of the greatest blog event in the history of history.
Round One: Silver Surfer v. Punisher

1. Kicking Ass.
The Surfer is another one of those characters that on paper looks to be god-like. His Cosmic Power, a “gift” from the giant purple world-eater whom he served for most of his time in comic books, in its description should make this guy unbeatable. He is, in a way, the blue-print (sorry) for Dr. Manhattan, and not only because they look similar and don’t wear pants. Surfer can bend time, alter matter, heal, and inhibit other mutant’s powers. He can also manipulate the evolution of organic life. Pretty cool.
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* BLOCKBUSTER sucks edition…no, Hollywood sucks edition.
Along with my solution to solve the world of procreating idiots, (see number 5) I have another theory that would solve or at least put a nice dent in world poverty and hunger. Hollywood needs some motherfuckin’ accountability. There needs to be some type of council, elected commission, or government appointed panel that decides whether or not a movie should be allowed to be made. I understand freedom of expression, freedom of speech, and free will, all that shit, but come on?! There only needs to be one rule, one deal breaker…does this movie make you more stupid?
I’m picturing an acronym. I dunno…something like CADA (Citizens Against Dumb America)?
Now, if a movie gets to a certain point in production, CADA has the authority to stop it in its tracks and take all the money devoted to this waste of time and give it to those kids in Slumdog Millionaire or something? I mean we’re talking bags of money here, right? The money from White Chicks, Deuce Bigalow, and Scary Movie 8 alone would feed everyone in Darfur until their bellies exploded from something other than ascites.
I don’t know…call me a dreamer, but after a recent visit to the video store, I found a few candidates that should have been blown up from the start:
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Back to it, jags.
Round One: Iron Man v. Lex Luthor


1. Kicking Ass.
The movie. Yeah. Pretty good. Moving on.
Iron Man is the original. A gold and red standard. He’s been dead a few times, or not. He’s fought everyone, lost and won. He’s got brains and strength due to various factors. The reactor in his chest. And some crazy techno-virus he injected himself with which makes him even more like a cylon. Understand, we dig robots. And we’re doing everything we can to align ourselves with the robots when they decide to take over the world. Everyone should know by now you’re going to either side with the robots or the zombies? The choice is simple. Need proof, skeptic ones?
But to get back on point, Iron Man can pretty much kick whatever ass he wants. And if he can’t, give him 5 minutes, and he’ll figure it out.
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And we get to see how overrated Watchmen will be. I’ve had a couple conversations with people of varying intelligence, and the consensus is that Watchmen is a decent read with it’s place as a somewhat groundbreaking book intact, considering when it was written.
However, I’m willing to bet my entire collection of original Stars Wars action figures that is movie will be another over-hyped, let down.
Am I a negative person? Usually.
But, can you name a movie in the last 10 years that has ever lived up to the hype? Especially, the hype brought on by comic book shop loitering, Kevin Smith look-a-like, fan boy virgins? I say no. But give it a try. And if you say Ghost Rider or Spiderman or Ghost Rider or Spiderman or Transformers, I’ll slash the tires on your van.

Back in October, we showed you a sneak preview of the much anticipated Spider-Man: 4.
Well, thanks to our field team of reporters here at eviljalapeno.com, we’re able to bring you even more footage. As this isn’t in english, I’m not sure what exactly they are saying, but i’m sure it’s somthing about how ghey Tobey Maguire is….Just jump to the 43 second mark.

So the play-in matches are finished…and in the immortal 11th century words of King Philippe and Princess Leonore, let the games begin.
Round One: Thing v. Hulk

1. Kicking Ass.
“It’s Clobberin’ Time!” is a pretty lame catch phrase. Makes me cringe almost worse than “HULK SMASH!” or “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” But there’s no arguing Ben Grimm’s 100 ton strength. However, “rock” men are a dime a dozen, right? I’m thinking this guy from that one awesome movie. And then there’s this this guy. Don’t get me wrong, Thing can stomp some ass. But maybe I’m hung up on the science? How does he sit in a car? Or fly in a jet? I mean apparently even if your bag weighs one pound over fifty it costs an extra $200 in jet fuel? I’m just sayin’ that unless he’s made of pumice…he’s got bigger weight issues than Oprah.
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Round One (Play In): Nick Fury v. Deadpool

1. Kicking Ass.
Disclaimer: Deadpool is my favorite comic book character. But we’ll do our best to be as fair and level-headed as possible during this little process. So, Wade Wilson, if that’s really his name, is the quintessential bad-ass ninja motherfucker. He has no fear, probably because he can’t be killed, and he has Weapon X coursing through his veins, so he’s nearly unbreakable. He’s fought Wolverine, Hulk, and the entire Skrull army without breaking a sweat. And we haven’t even started to discuss his ability to handle blades and guns.
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Round One (Play In): Venom v. Joker

1. Kicking Ass.
Venom could be the reason Dr. Meat even started reading comics back in junoir high. Well, more than likely the real reason was because I didn’t have much to do growing up in a small BFE town until I discovered masturbation and jazz choir. But anyway, Venom was pretty bad-ass. Snarly and gnarly, an alien with huge sharp teeth, and with an affinity for Spiderman. These are things we like. However, lately, Venom has been teetering on the edge of villian and hero. This is something we don’t like. Come on, dude, you’re evil. Look in the mirror. Yeah, those are fangs. Heroes don’t have fangs. Anyway, it’s back and forth, depending on the host and what-not, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt…for nostalga’s sake.
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