eviljalapeno.com » Super Heroes

Comics suck.

Dr. Meat — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 05:12:46 +0000

So with what spare time I do have, I’m either giving the dogs a bath or I’m reading comics in bed usually eating some chili-cheese fritos and slurping on the Liquid Artillery special from 7-11.
As of today, I’m somewhat caught up on this new Batman story.
SPOILER ALERT: HE’S DEAD.
Yeah, ok, super heroes have died before. Usually they come back. Well, they better bring back the Bat toot sweet. If I have to read too much more about this sissy Nightwing and his new side-kick, Batman’s turd-child, I’m gonna go Adam West on a hooker. And not old-time Adam West, I’m talking Family Guy Adam West. Seriously, it’s like the old Robin from the t.v. show somehow impregnated Luke Skywalker through ass rape. And out popped this whiny little ninja, Damian.
I refuse to accept that comics are written for kids. They’re to be written for me. Only me, with more sex and violence then is thought acceptable.
Superman, go find Batman and get his ass back to Gotham before it turns into shitville.

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:38:07 +0000

This blog is pushing through like a kidney stone. So, buckle up. There could be a lot of blood.
This one’s gonna be a slap-fest. We’re pitting “probably gay” Mr. Fantastic v. “maybe gay” Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, I know, Wolverine gay? He’s the bad-assiest bad ass ever? Well, did you see Jackman host the Oscars? Yeah, neither did we, but we heard it was a bunch of tight pants Broadway bullshit.

Round One: Mr. Fantastic v. Wolverine

Mr. Fantastic

1. Kicking Ass.
Reed Richards is not someone whom most associate with ass-kicking, at least not anyone with a penis bigger than this guy’s. And it most likely has everything to do with his skinny rubber arms. But apparently, he has crazy strength and power. He’s super smart and has control over his molecules, which would be great for a circus monkey or a porn star. Sadly, neither of which Mr. Fantastic cares anything about. He’s too busy making Stephen Hawking look like Stephen Baldwin.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
This is irrelevant with Mr. Fantastic. He has Sue Storm. And if she was really even half as hot as Jessica Alba, he’d take a break every 10 minutes to show her what was so fantastic about Mr. Fantastic. I mean really, dude? That name makes you sound like a big-haired, steroid raging, professional wrestling, ladies man. But no, you’re more like McLovin, a twenty-five year old Hawaiian organ donor. You’d at least think he would become proficient in being able to work the microscope in his lab with one hand and then with the other hand stretch into the bedroom and double click Sue’s mouse? But no, you have marital issues. They write this shit into the comics? It was part of the plot in the movies? WTF? I’ve touched on how this emotional bullshit ruins the Fantastic Four. I know two things:
1. Here at EJ we know nothing about feelings and relationships.
2. We do know, however, this sort of bullshit doesn’t belong anywhere in a Marvel monthly. We want more smashing, less whining.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
No. But I would pee in Jessica Alba’s butt.

Score:

Wolverine

1. Kicking Ass.
Weapon X strong. Bad ass temper. Sweet name. Yeah, Logan can kick some ass. He’s a ninja.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Wolverine does alright with the ladies, which probably has a lot to do with his amazing sideburns. He’s in the X-men, which has it’s fair share of hotties. And he’s a bad boy, so he’s every slut’s dream. But, you gotta figure, with that temper, he might be very capable of going Chris Brown on your ass. So, ladies, tread lightly.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Absolutely. He likes to drink, mostly because his life sucks and it dulls the pain, but also because he takes joy in breaking shit. This is a trait we can appreciate.

Score:

Head-to-head: Not even close. Logan wins in a landslide. Mr. Fantastic takes every opportunity to be a douche. He neglects his hot wife. He was behind the plan to exile Hulk to Sakaar. And he was partly responsible for the Skrull invasion. You, sir, are useless. On the other hand, Mr. Jackman, this movie that you’ve preached you care so much about better not suck. Wolverine, you are loved, but truth be told, I’m going dressed up as Deadpool. Sorry.

ADVANTAGE: WOLVERINE

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 15:59:08 +0000

Yeah, yeah, I know…it’s been awhile, but I’m back. It’s been hard to motivate what with figuring out how to spend all the money I’ve been winning during March Madness and then digesting the Battlestar Galactica finale. Anyway, here’s another epic installment of the greatest blog event in the history of history.

Round One: Silver Surfer v. Punisher

1. Kicking Ass.
The Surfer is another one of those characters that on paper looks to be god-like. His Cosmic Power, a “gift” from the giant purple world-eater whom he served for most of his time in comic books, in its description should make this guy unbeatable. He is, in a way, the blue-print (sorry) for Dr. Manhattan, and not only because they look similar and don’t wear pants. Surfer can bend time, alter matter, heal, and inhibit other mutant’s powers. He can also manipulate the evolution of organic life. Pretty cool.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
He’s a bit blinged out, but at least he doesn’t have a silver dong flopping around? Sleek. Simple. And girls are like fish. They’ll hit anything that’s shiny.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Well, Surfer’s a bit of a loner. He’s all “I’m a slave. I miss my family. Life is a prison.”, so I can’t imagine he’d be much fun? However, he looks like a robot, and EJ loves robots, so why not?!

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Oh, Frank Castle. Where do we begin? On one hand, Punisher might be Marvel’s most epic fail. On the other hand, he has some of the best potential. The mostly low budget attempts at bringing Punisher to the silver screen have probably damaged his rep. However, if you read his books, he’s the ultimate bad ass. Actually, given his family situation and all, he has a lot in common with the Surfer. And if anyone with zero mutant-like powers could crack this tournament, it’s Punisher. Maybe it’s because I enjoy the mob angle, but I think Mr. Castle is underrated.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Pretty sweet. We like the skull. He’s very McGuyver meets Batman meets Sayid from Lost. And we know Sayid pulls the honeys.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
We’re discovering a theme here. Superheroes and supervillians, for the most part, have social disorders. So obviously, Frank Castle is a bit of a sociopath. Coming over for poker night probably isn’t in his skill set.

Score:

Head-to-head: Another close one. At first I thought Silver Surfer takes this round easy? But Punisher always had a counter. His weapons. His steel-toe boots. Thomas Jane. Dolph Lundgren. It was close, but, in the end, Surfer’s always been one of my favorites. And, although Slappy can better detail the Surfer’s current situation in the Hulk/Skaar universe, I like how he’s being developed.

Advantage: Silver Surfer

5 More Reasons To Kill Yourself

Dr. Meat — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:02:12 +0000

* BLOCKBUSTER sucks edition…no, Hollywood sucks edition.

Along with my solution to solve the world of procreating idiots, (see number 5) I have another theory that would solve or at least put a nice dent in world poverty and hunger. Hollywood needs some motherfuckin’ accountability. There needs to be some type of council, elected commission, or government appointed panel that decides whether or not a movie should be allowed to be made. I understand freedom of expression, freedom of speech, and free will, all that shit, but come on?! There only needs to be one rule, one deal breaker…does this movie make you more stupid?

I’m picturing an acronym. I dunno…something like CADA (Citizens Against Dumb America)?

Now, if a movie gets to a certain point in production, CADA has the authority to stop it in its tracks and take all the money devoted to this waste of time and give it to those kids in Slumdog Millionaire or something? I mean we’re talking bags of money here, right? The money from White Chicks, Deuce Bigalow, and Scary Movie 8 alone would feed everyone in Darfur until their bellies exploded from something other than ascites.

I don’t know…call me a dreamer, but after a recent visit to the video store, I found a few candidates that should have been blown up from the start:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 04:46:54 +0000

Back to it, jags.

Round One: Iron Man v. Lex Luthor

1. Kicking Ass.
The movie. Yeah. Pretty good. Moving on.
Iron Man is the original. A gold and red standard. He’s been dead a few times, or not. He’s fought everyone, lost and won. He’s got brains and strength due to various factors. The reactor in his chest. And some crazy techno-virus he injected himself with which makes him even more like a cylon. Understand, we dig robots. And we’re doing everything we can to align ourselves with the robots when they decide to take over the world. Everyone should know by now you’re going to either side with the robots or the zombies? The choice is simple. Need proof, skeptic ones?
But to get back on point, Iron Man can pretty much kick whatever ass he wants. And if he can’t, give him 5 minutes, and he’ll figure it out.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Tony Stark is dapper, to say the least. And the Iron Man suit works. He’s got no problems here. Except for that Joey Fatone, Slappy McNutsack pencil-line goatee bullshit.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Yes, but only to “sweep up the crumbs”. Or “fall on the grenade”, as the kids say.
Now, here’s the main issue. Tony Stark, to me, seems like a bit of “fingers in too many pies” kind of guy. With SHIELD, Stark Industries, the Illuminati, all this Civil War bullshit. Personally, I think he should stick to bangin’ reporters and building weapons. Maybe bust the head of a terrorist or a Skrull once in a while?
Yeah, the Civil War story was shit.
What he did to the Hulk was crap. He just seems like a bit of a douche.
Let’s call him the Alex Rodriguez of super heroes? “Yeah, sorry I fucked shit up. Probably did shit ass-backwards in my prime. But, hey, I win games for you in the regular season. And, shit, if you’re lucky enough to draft me in your fantasy league next year, with those all those bitches the Yankees signed this winter, you got a puncher’s chance. Right?”
I’m just saying.
Probably a nice guy, though.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Lex Luthor? Really? Yeah, really. DC has a pretty good knack for criminal masterminds. A Joker v. Luthor battle would be dirtier than a Jessie Janye porn, but we’re not that kind of website, I think?
Anyway, Lex is brillant and, at times, has the world’s greatest superhero, Superman, by the scrotum. So, that’s worth somethin’. He’s a sociopath, a trait we can appreciate.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Telly Savalas with the attitude of Courtney Love? No thanks.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
No. It would be awkward. Like him with his shiny kryptonite ring, holding a furry white cat, saying “My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet” awkward.

Score:

Head-to-head: This one ended up closer than expected. You got the Tony Stark/Alex Rodriguez thing. But you’re mostly jealous because he’s rich and makes Hugh Hefner look like Kenneth the NBC Page. And weapons are cool. Then you’ve got Lex Luthor who’s been in a movie with Richard Pryor. So, it was close.

Advantage: Iron Man

Only 20 More Days…

Dr. Meat — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 13:34:04 +0000

And we get to see how overrated Watchmen will be. I’ve had a couple conversations with people of varying intelligence, and the consensus is that Watchmen is a decent read with it’s place as a somewhat groundbreaking book intact, considering when it was written.
However, I’m willing to bet my entire collection of original Stars Wars action figures that is movie will be another over-hyped, let down.
Am I a negative person? Usually.
But, can you name a movie in the last 10 years that has ever lived up to the hype? Especially, the hype brought on by comic book shop loitering, Kevin Smith look-a-like, fan boy virgins? I say no. But give it a try. And if you say Ghost Rider or Spiderman or Ghost Rider or Spiderman or Transformers, I’ll slash the tires on your van.

More Spider-Man: 4 footage!!!!

SlappyMcNutsack — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:10:11 +0000

Back in October, we showed you a sneak preview of the much anticipated Spider-Man: 4.
Well, thanks to our field team of reporters here at eviljalapeno.com, we’re able to bring you even more footage. As this isn’t in english, I’m not sure what exactly they are saying, but i’m sure it’s somthing about how ghey Tobey Maguire is….Just jump to the 43 second mark.

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 18:06:55 +0000

So the play-in matches are finished…and in the immortal 11th century words of King Philippe and Princess Leonore, let the games begin.

Round One: Thing v. Hulk

1. Kicking Ass.
“It’s Clobberin’ Time!” is a pretty lame catch phrase. Makes me cringe almost worse than “HULK SMASH!” or “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” But there’s no arguing Ben Grimm’s 100 ton strength. However, “rock” men are a dime a dozen, right? I’m thinking this guy from that one awesome movie. And then there’s this this guy. Don’t get me wrong, Thing can stomp some ass. But maybe I’m hung up on the science? How does he sit in a car? Or fly in a jet? I mean apparently even if your bag weighs one pound over fifty it costs an extra $200 in jet fuel? I’m just sayin’ that unless he’s made of pumice…he’s got bigger weight issues than Oprah.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
This trait has been well documented since the Fantastic Four seem to be one of the more “let’s explore feelings and relationships and drama” comic book runs. Meh. Probably why I don’t really read Fantastic Four, but anyway. Thing has issues. He’s all sensitive and shit. Bullshit. You’re an ass kicking machine. Suck it up.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
When he’s not whining about being ugly, sure. He’s been around forever in almost 2000 books. He’s fought everybody since 1961. He’s a grizzled veteran.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
The Incredible Hulk is the monster trapped in all of us. Wait, so here’s a spoiler…he wins this round so know we’ll have plenty of time to discuss his power later. For now, a couple of things to consider…pissing him off makes him stronger. Detonating an atomic bomb in his face, well, that damn near brought the end of the world. Hulk is pretty much unstoppable, unless you’re playing chess.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
The purple pants? Yeah, we don’t get it either? But it doesn’t really matter because if your name isn’t Betty Ross or Caiera, he’d smash your face.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Probably not. It wouldn’t be much of a conversation since he mostly grunts. And if you beat him in darts, he’d probably make you into a dart and throw you through the building, through the block, out of the city, and into the ocean.

Score:

Head-to-Head: These two are very similar but very different. Simply put, we like Hulk more. Hulk is a deal breaker for The McNutsack. He’s gonna push for Hulk to win it all. He wants to be Hulk, and rumor has it he kind of is when a workplace subordinate screws up. He’ll just break a piece of office furniture and toss it out a window, snarl, grunt, and point to the door? At home he paints himself green and has those giant foam Hulk fists. Apparently, he wears them poolside as beer koozies? Although most recent storylines have disappointed, Hulk has great staying power for a main character. As for Thing, well, he needs his team. He needs Mr. Fantastic. He’s pretty much Reed Richards’ little bitch. Possibly ruined by Hollywood, no probably ruined by Hollywood (Sorry, but it’s a factor here in our stupid little blog. Our rules, so suck it.) so when I think of Thing, I think of an orange Michael Chiklis wearing a retarded hat and a trenchcoat. Of course, then I think “Is he naked under there? So, if he is, and a breeze picks up, does his dick get hard? Or is it already hard since he’s kind of made of stone?”. Anyway.

ADVANTAGE: HULK

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:48:37 +0000

Round One (Play In): Nick Fury v. Deadpool

1. Kicking Ass.
Disclaimer: Deadpool is my favorite comic book character. But we’ll do our best to be as fair and level-headed as possible during this little process. So, Wade Wilson, if that’s really his name, is the quintessential bad-ass ninja motherfucker. He has no fear, probably because he can’t be killed, and he has Weapon X coursing through his veins, so he’s nearly unbreakable. He’s fought Wolverine, Hulk, and the entire Skrull army without breaking a sweat. And we haven’t even started to discuss his ability to handle blades and guns.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Awesome red ninja suit. Check. Samurai swords dangling everywhere. Check. Tucker Max attitude. Check. Sure he’s got some butterface issues with the whole constant molecular instability thing, but, hey, the clothes make the man, right? We’ve got this friend, we’ll call him Tito Schma-nilla, anyway, most of the time he looks like a homeless clown that’s been scuba diving in the Missouri River all day. But if you throw a borrowed suit coat on the guy, he pulls any single mom he winks at. So, since Deadpool mostly gets by with his charm, he gets a pass here.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
More importantly we want to hit a gun range with this guy. Then beers. Then a gentleman’s club. Then the gun range again. Before noon.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Ok, Nick Fury, you kick ass. You’ve got access to SHIELD technology. You’re a strategist. And you have an eye patch. Strikes against you include the military-mojo and that you kind of look like Tom Cruise in “Valkyrie”. Military and comic books, at least to Dr. Meat, don’t mix very well. Tanks, bullets, and angry generals might have made for crazy interesting story lines 30 years ago, but now we need more. Nick Fury, you bore us. You try to keep up by riding the coat tails of SHIELD, Stark Industries, and all the latest tech, but sorry, dude. You’re old. The Infinity Formula needs to wear off. Nice run, though.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Nah, well, maybe. Cougars, probably. You gotta figure Nick Fury and Hannibal from the A-Team kill it poolside at the casinos in Palm Springs. But, man, the eye patch. You’d think SHIELD could come up with some kind of prosthetic eye or functioning weapons targeting system or just install a laser sight or something? I mean, shit, what are you a pirate?

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
We’re gonna say yes. Simply because we’d like to hear stories about the glory days. And maybe we could get him to slip a snort of that Infinity Formula into our scotch?

Score:

Head-to-head: Nick, this is a contest because you’ve been around forever. But, frankly, you could be the greatest thing since Cheddar Jack Cheez-its and still not advance because of maybe two of cinemas gravest mistakes. David Hasselhoff. And Samuel “Snakes on the mother fuckin’ plane!” Jackson. Come on, Marvel. Have some dignity. Deadpool, you win because Nick Fury shit the bed.

Advantage: Deadpool

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:19:20 +0000

Round One (Play In): Venom v. Joker

1. Kicking Ass.
Venom could be the reason Dr. Meat even started reading comics back in junoir high. Well, more than likely the real reason was because I didn’t have much to do growing up in a small BFE town until I discovered masturbation and jazz choir. But anyway, Venom was pretty bad-ass. Snarly and gnarly, an alien with huge sharp teeth, and with an affinity for Spiderman. These are things we like. However, lately, Venom has been teetering on the edge of villian and hero. This is something we don’t like. Come on, dude, you’re evil. Look in the mirror. Yeah, those are fangs. Heroes don’t have fangs. Anyway, it’s back and forth, depending on the host and what-not, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt…for nostalga’s sake.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
We like the costume. He is the costume. But it probably only appeals to goth chicks that cut themselves. No thanks. Super strength and the ability to mimic and absorb the powers of hosts is all very super powers average. And that tongue is nasty.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
This is a toss-up. On the one hand, Venom holds a dear spot, in at least Dr. Meat’s cold, black heart, and he got me through some tough times growing up. Like the time I led a group of a friends into the woods to find that dead body along the railroad tracks. Those older kids following us sure were bullies. And then there was that one time when I moved to a new town, didn’t have any friends, but tried to play baseball even though I really sucked. And almost died when that huge slobbering dog almost ate my face. That sucked. But then on the other hand, Venom is gross. And that suit is organic so it’s proabably got some funk. To the point, Venom would probably drool in my Bud Light. Not cool.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Is insanity a super power? In Joker’s case, yes, most definetly. We like to think he’s as nasty as they come. He’s a twisted criminal mastermind who would cut your throat, make your girlfriend drink the blood, all while wearing a skin suit of your mother. Laughing. There’s no questioning the evil-ness of Jack the Joker.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
We don’t know. We don’t want to know. We don’t want even think about it. Clowns are fucking scary. And Joker is a cross between Michael Jackson, Marylin Manson, Charles Manson, and Anna Nicole Smith (when she was fat).

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Yeah, no. He’d Sebastian Janakowski it, then when we’re out cold, he’d thread us into human puppets and make us re-enact the sex scene from Team America: World Police.

Score:

Head-to-head: A close one, but Joker is just too fucking nuts. And Venom has been lost in our childhood. Joker is the more sophisticated man’s criminal. His lack of super powers, which makes him rely more on his vicious mind actually gives him an advantage over Venom. But don’t forget Venom loses a few points now since those images of Topher Grace are permanantly burned into our brains. He really fucked shit up for us, however, it was mostly the fault of that son of bitch, Sam Raimi. But we’ll get into that shit much later.

eviljalapeno.com » Super Heroes

Comics suck.

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

ADVANTAGE: WOLVERINE

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Advantage: Silver Surfer

5 More Reasons To Kill Yourself

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Advantage: Iron Man

Only 20 More Days…

More Spider-Man: 4 footage!!!!

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

ADVANTAGE: HULK

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Advantage: Deadpool

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Advantage: Joker