How come whenever I call a company with an automated phone system, the “voice recognition” never understands me? Or I’ll be driving and the background noise screws everything up, and I get re-routed to the wrong department, or get flight info for the wrong day.
What ever happened to people answering the phone?
Oh yeah, NM, that got shipped off to India… I’ll save that for another rant.

Ok I have seen some crazy shit being sold by people trying to cash in on Obama, but this one is too funny. I introduce the Chia Obama, yes you heard right! This Chia comes in two versions “Happy” and “Determined”. The animation is hilarious, you can see how Obama would look like with a Fro and corn roles.

Did no one have the imagination to make a Chia Bush or better yet a Chia Lewinsky cigar dispenser the name alone makes me want to buy one.

Uh. Hey, Slappy Fatone, you’ve got one these, right? If not, here’s the website. Pick me up one if you don’t mind. I’ll use it to shave around my junk.

* BLOCKBUSTER sucks edition…no, Hollywood sucks edition.
Along with my solution to solve the world of procreating idiots, (see number 5) I have another theory that would solve or at least put a nice dent in world poverty and hunger. Hollywood needs some motherfuckin’ accountability. There needs to be some type of council, elected commission, or government appointed panel that decides whether or not a movie should be allowed to be made. I understand freedom of expression, freedom of speech, and free will, all that shit, but come on?! There only needs to be one rule, one deal breaker…does this movie make you more stupid?
I’m picturing an acronym. I dunno…something like CADA (Citizens Against Dumb America)?
Now, if a movie gets to a certain point in production, CADA has the authority to stop it in its tracks and take all the money devoted to this waste of time and give it to those kids in Slumdog Millionaire or something? I mean we’re talking bags of money here, right? The money from White Chicks, Deuce Bigalow, and Scary Movie 8 alone would feed everyone in Darfur until their bellies exploded from something other than ascites.
I don’t know…call me a dreamer, but after a recent visit to the video store, I found a few candidates that should have been blown up from the start:
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Why have video games sucked so bad lately?
Besides the Call of Duty series, has anyone found anything good lately?
I’m sick of ww2 BS.

1. I keep having this reoccurring dream. It involves Jay Leno and Ellen having a joke-off. It goes on for hours and no one laughs. Then Howie Mandel storms in, tells a “joke”, and everyone within earshot head explodes from lack of being entertained.
Seriously, these people are professionals? My dogs smelling their own farts deserve more attention then these fools. Especially, Howie Fucking Mandel. Fucking Buy.com commercials.


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1. Pink Panther 2.I was going to say Paul Blart: Mall Cop, here, but apparently Kevin James is adorable and people actually saw this movie. So, we’ll go with Steve Martin. This guy has fallen farther than Cuba Gooding, Jr.
I watched him host something like his 20th episode of SNL last week and laughed, never. Then he had the seeds to break out his banjo and play a fuckin’ song from his new bluegrass children’s album. Yeah.
Well, the Pink Panther movie (and fucking sequels) is the last straw. I don’t care if you were funny in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. You are officially a Wayans brother. Die.

2. The Economy. Apparently it sucks. I wouldn’t know because I’m rich.

3. NFL officials.There really isn’t anything to go into here. For the most part, NBA referees are the lowest of the low regarding inconsistency and injecting their poison into the outcome of a game. But some of the calls in that Super Bowl were, well, you watched it. Unbelievable.

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1 and 2. The Fox Sports dancing football robot versus Chris Berman. I mean, really? Really, Fox? How has this not gone away forever yet? Really? Who thinks this is slightly entertaining? It’s the pinnacle of absurdity. It’s just slightly worse than Tom Jackson chuckling under his breath after EVERY completely not funny, witty nickname Chris Berman throws out there. Larry “Athlete’s” Foote? No. Jason Avant “To move the chains”? No. Berman, you suck worse than Merrill Hoge. Ok, it’s a tie, but still.


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1. AT&T.

Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.


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It’s official, hangovers still exist in 2009…