Did no one have the imagination to make a Chia Bush or better yet a Chia Lewinsky cigar dispenser the name alone makes me want to buy one.

But that fucking break dancing robot bullshit. God dammit, forget it, I’m killing myself.







3. Fat people. It’s not a disease. It’s being fat. There are lots of good diets out there. But I have the best one: Eat Less, Exercise More. Boom. I’m a millionaire.







4. For it being cool to be Sylvester Stallone Mickey Rourke. He just pulled in a Golden Globe for The Wrestler. Come on now. I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called “Every White Trash, Trailer Park, Dirt Bag, Meth Head I Ever Knew Growing Up In My Shitty Small Town”. Fucking Hollywood delusional bullshit. “Hey, Mr. Shitake-McMoneyschtein, I’ve got this great script about a loser, starring a loser. Think Axel Rose crossed with Kevin Federline crossed with Larry the Cable Guy crossed with the corpse of Chris Benoit.” Congratulations, Anna Nicole Smith Mickey Rourke. Take the drink out of his hand, throw on a sequined tuxedo, and suddenly he’s the greatest inspiration since Kurt Warner or Barack Obama? Do you think somebody like Tom Hanks has anything to say to this retard? It was quite sickening to see the whole room give him a standing ovation. Almost as sickening as the fact I was watching the fucking Golden Globes. A standing ovation for a guy who will be doing lines of coke off Robert Downey Jr’s cock in the bathroom of the after party.







5. Pepsi.




“Can I get you something to drink, sir?”
“Yeah, can I get a Coke?”
“Yes, sure. Is Pepsi ok?”
“No, you fuckface, Pepsi is not ok. Pepsi tastes like watered-down goat urine strained through a coffee filter I wiped my ass with.” “Do you have rootbeer?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, I’ll take that.”

Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.







2.  Street Fighter.







Look, Hollywood or Hong Kong or someone is trying to improve upon the first JCVD verison of Street Fighter. This is something I could do with crayons on a table at T.G.I.Fridays, but whatever.
Disturbingly, if I ever procreate, it’s seems like Hollywood wants to help make sure my kids hate me.
“Hey, son, Star Wars is cool.”
“Yeah, dad, I saw Episodes I, II, and III. There were great. Loser.”
“Hey, son, I used to play Street Fighter all the time. It’s sweet.”
“Yeah, dad, your video games are more gay than Brody Jenner.”
“Damn.”
Anyway, the hot girl from Smallville is in this, as is this guy, whom I like for some reason.
Click here for the trailer.
This won’t be good, right? We not gonna see this, right?



3. Casino Buffets.







Granted I’ve only needed to eat at a couple of these travesties. One being in Treasure Island and the other, I think, was on some Indian reservation in Washington? Anyway, the food never looks like the giant displays before you go in. And buffet lines have to be the leading cause for food poisioning in the world. Ok, maybe just in America, I’ll concede that it’s something different in Somalia. So in some emergency room in Las Vegas, do you think the staff there says, “Another victim of the Golden Nugget shrimp cocktail.”? I think so.



4. Nic Cage







I put this picture up because it’s really the only thing this turd has ever done that’s worth a crap, except maybe, MAYBE..The Rock. And I only say that because I’m related to Sean Connery. So, see what I mean? No doubt, he’s gonna throw up all over Kick-Ass when that comes out. And this clip from a masterpiece called Con Air shows exactly what I’m talking about…the accent, the emotion, the awesome-ness:







5. You can’t make this shit up, I mean, look at that shirt he’s wearing.