eviljalapeno.com » Worlds Greatest Inventions

STOP CRYING!!!!!!

SlappyMcNutsack — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:22:50 +0000

Wow, I wish this was a real product!

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

Wireless Dick Hiding Technology

El Chupacabra — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 17:13:33 +0000

I never really got the whole Kindle craze, but I now see the light. I wonder if they have a neck strap for easy access?

For Retards? Yeah, Sexy Retards.

Dr. Meat — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 12:28:08 +0000

Uh. Hey, Slappy Fatone, you’ve got one these, right? If not, here’s the website. Pick me up one if you don’t mind. I’ll use it to shave around my junk.

The Long Lost Art of the HanJ

SlappyMcNutsack — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 06:36:50 +0000

Ever have that awkward moment when a girl is stroking you and all you can think is… WTF are you doing? It’s like you just want to grab your cock out of the bitch’s hands and finish yourself off. How do you tell a girl mid-stroke that her technique sucks and you’d rather masturbate to the thought of Bea Arthur buttfucking Lance Armstrong with a green and purple polka-dotted strap-on, then to let her finish you off?

Finally a solution… Send her to: http://www.handjobadvice.com

Is it weirder that this site exists, or that Dr. Meat went straight to the technique called “Milking the Bull“?

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s… a flying dumbass?

SlappyMcNutsack — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:03:12 +0000

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been wanting to fly. After attempting to jump off roofs, and out of trees several times a day over the past 30 years, I’ve finally came to the realization that I won’t be getting my superpowers anytime soon. And as I can’t run out to Best Buy and pick up a Jetpack, I’ll have to resort to building my own. Though others have tried, and some been have been slightly successful, the following clips are inspiring me:

Personally, I like the Japanese style better:

Kick-Ass Kicks

EvilJeenyus — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:32:09 +0000

As an admitted shoe-whore, these new, limited-edition kicks from Nike give me a huge, throbbing boner. They’re inspired by Hoosiers, White Men Can’t Jump, and Teen Wolf.

I really dig the look of the Hoosiers sneaker. It’s something I would definitely buy and wear. And I guess the Billy Hoyle shoe is kinda cool, but I was never into the whole 90’s Air Jordans-thing. HOW-EVA (as Stephen A. Smith would say), the piece-de-resistance is the Teen Wolf shoe, complete with fur collar and fur insole. I probably wouldn’t wear it, but the concept is top-notch.

They’re available at the exclusive House of Hoops store, which only has locations in NYC, LA, and Chicago. Which means I’ll be standing in line with Vince and Turtle to get them when they go on sale and you won’t. Suck it, middle america.

The W

SlappyMcNutsack — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 13:25:35 +0000

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – George Bush met with a panel of sexually active college students to help him figure out a sexual technique to call his own. After 3 days of experimenting on each other, the group came to agreement. The technique, known as “the W”, is a variation of the shocker, with the fingers spread out.

When reached for comment, Laura Bush stated “George has been using this technique for many years, we just never thought to come up with a name for it! I’m so pleased we finally have something to call it! Please becareful when using it, we’ve learned that, though this technique is amazing, it only works well if your fingernails are kept neatly trimmed”

2 shots of Tequilla please… to go…

SlappyMcNutsack — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:20:21 +0000

Dallas, TX:
Home of the Cowboys, Oil Companies, Fake Blondes, Fake Boobs… and Drive-Thru liqour!
Not exactly in the best part of town, but if you can get there, its well worth it. With interesting flavors such as the “Panty Dropper”, “Make You Wet”, “Thug Passion”, and the “Break a Bitch!”, how could you resist! They make them pretty strong too, which always makes for interesting times on my customer visit right after I have one.

Triple Steak Burrito.

Dr. Meat — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 03:45:08 +0000

The greatest Mexican food on this planet happens to be behind a small Mexican market in my neighborhood. It’s a dirty little hole with dollar tacos and hot sauce that will make your ass bleed. But since most of you don’t live in my ‘hood, I’ll pass along to you the next best thing. Yeah, it’s not really Mexican food, but still. Do yourself a favor and get the Triple Steak Burrito. I’ve had three this week. It’s better than the McRib. And that’s saying something.

One of the worlds greatest inventions…

SlappyMcNutsack — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 22:40:10 +0000

The McRib… Yum.