If only every woman had these skills!

Next step, changing the oil on an 82 corvette!

That reminds me. I gotta go buy my snow pass! Bring on winter!

Dr. Meatowski
Hey, germs. The Doctor kept it rollin’ last week. And by rollin’ I mean I still haven’t won a parlay in the NFL. However, the NCAA was kind again. After last week I moved my NCAA record to 4-1 and my NFL to 3-3. Slappy moves to 2-3.

Well, there are some good spreads in college this week. The NFL, as usual, is crapshootastic. So, here you go:

Shit Lickin’ Popsicle Locks:
NCAA: Texas (-4), Michigan St. (-4.5), and Missouri (-20.5)  Also Oregon looks good.  As does Oklahoma. And that USC spread is sick.   Go against it, duh?

NFL: Rams (+3), Titans (-4.5), Patroits (+6)

The Duke of Jeenyus
After taking last week off to get drunk in Chicago (and actually winning some bets, coincidentally), I’m back in the saddle.  I’ve been horrible with my “lock” picks so far this year, but have actually managed to tread water with some upset picks. And so the rollercoaster ride of addicition that is gambling goes on…

Absolute motherfuckin’ lock:
Eagles (-7) over Seahawks
Jim Johnson will blitz the ever-lovin’ shit out of Seneca Wallace this week.  He will have to have Brian Dawkins surgically removed from his ass after this one.

Others I like.  Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Giants (-9) over Cowboys
Bucs (-9) over Chiefs
Bills (-5.5) over Jets

Crazy-ass upset picks
Pats (+6) over Colts
Truthfully, this one scares the shit out of me.  Somebody in Vegas knows something with this line. I realize the Colts are at home and all, and Bob Sanders and Joseph Addai will be back, but 6 points seems like a lot against the Pats. Those motherfuckers are like zombies. You can’t kill ‘em. God, I hate them. I wish Bill Belicheck would get his hoodie caught in one of those giant industrial fans on the sideline and get pulled in and maimed.

Texans (+4.5) over Vikings
For some reason, I think the Texans win this one, straight-up. Maybe it’s because Matt Schaub is so dreamy.

Slappy
So, by now it should be known that my picks are horrible. Why I bother continuing to pick is a mystery. So, here’s my disclaimer: NEVER EVER FOLLOW MY ADVICE! (see last week for proof)
With that being said, here’s my NFL picks for this week:
Vikings (-4.5)
Buccaneers (-9)
Ravens (+1.5)
Broncos (-3)

Good luck suckers!

GFY!

Dallas, TX:
Home of the Cowboys, Oil Companies, Fake Blondes, Fake Boobs… and Drive-Thru liqour!
Not exactly in the best part of town, but if you can get there, its well worth it. With interesting flavors such as the “Panty Dropper”, “Make You Wet”, “Thug Passion”, and the “Break a Bitch!”, how could you resist! They make them pretty strong too, which always makes for interesting times on my customer visit right after I have one.

Smile guys!! OK, this time with both sides of the mouth, Milo!

So, do you think when Milo Ventimiglia is making sweet, sweet love to Hayden Panettiere in her cheerleader outfit, he thinks of the fact that he’s banging the plucky little girl from Remember the Titans? 

Fucking pervert.

HOT OFF THE PRESS!!! Tobey Maguire footage straight from the set of Spider-Man 4…

Looks like Spider-Man 4 is gonna be just like the rest of them… ghey!

As much as I like the red hulk (Rulk)… this new  series is starting to suck.  I liked how it started, but now its just getting fucking stupid.  Seriously, in #5 when Rulk jumps up to space, I took my comic, rolled it up, and began beating myself with it as punishment for wasting $2.99.

Hulk #7 is horrible, actually, beyond horrible, so bad that I’m about to head to my local comic shop, buy every copy they have of it, and start using them to wipe my ass.

They’ve split the book into 2 stories, 1 focused on green, the other on red…, but instead of getting 2 great stories in one book, you dont have enough content to get shit accomplihed in either strory… LAME.

On top of that, I don’t even know why they bother putting green hulk on the cover, when he didn’t make an appearance. In this issue, Banner turns into grey hulk!  Yes, Joe Fixit.  So now we’ve got Banner as both Green and Grey (which he’s never been able to pick and choose before), and they didnt make any progress on the identity of Rulk.

Marvel, thanks for fucking up my favorite comic series.

The greatest Mexican food on this planet happens to be behind a small Mexican market in my neighborhood.  It’s a dirty little hole with dollar tacos and hot sauce that will make your ass bleed.  But since most of you don’t live in my ‘hood, I’ll pass along to you the next best thing.  Yeah, it’s not really Mexican food, but still.  Do yourself a favor and get the Triple Steak Burrito.  I’ve had three this week.  It’s better than the McRib.  And that’s saying something.

A-Rod, Kobe, Tony Hawk, Michael Phelps… Not only do you get the AOTW award, but you all looked ghey earning it!

NOT WORTHY OF EMBEDING: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCyfKWu4YQ0

In my opinion, there’s only ever been one good Risky Business spoof: