TheBJ: your turkey pic makes me never want to eat turkey again
SlappyMcNutsack: i know
SlappyMcNutsack: looks like someone raped it
TheBJ: lol
TheBJ: yeah that’s one way to put it
TheBJ: like the olivia munn pic
SlappyMcNutsack: yes, olivia is a goddess
TheBJ: i would toss her salad
TheBJ: if she ate corn for dinner I would consider eating it after
TheBJ: she’s so hot
SlappyMcNutsack: would u let her strap one on and take you?
TheBJ: there is a line
SlappyMcNutsack: what if she said, you could do ANYTHING you want afterwards.
TheBJ: man that’s a tough one
TheBJ: depends how much I had to drink to make that decision
TheBJ: u?
SlappyMcNutsack: so, say you had 2 beers
TheBJ: naa
SlappyMcNutsack: 6 ?
TheBJ: > 6 gets more thinking
SlappyMcNutsack: but you’d consider eating the corn out of her shit
TheBJ: if she was naked in front of me that would be hard to resist
TheBJ: yes of course
TheBJ: rather eat her corn than take it in the rear
SlappyMcNutsack: but, eating corn from her shit doesnt entitle you to have sex with her aftewards
SlappyMcNutsack: you just thru that out there
TheBJ: I know
TheBJ: eating her corn means I think she’s hot
TheBJ: like Rachel Hunter
TheBJ: don’t know why but I love her
SlappyMcNutsack: you’d eat rachel hunters corn shit?
TheBJ: yep
TheBJ: the corn in the shit
TheBJ: not the corn shit
SlappyMcNutsack: right
SlappyMcNutsack: so, same scenario, rachel hunter…. anything, anyhole, anytime you want it… but she’s gets to strap it on and take you once first.
TheBJ: tough call dude, there isn’t much I would NOT do but the thought of anything entering my asshole just isn’t cool
TheBJ: what would you do?
SlappyMcNutsack: ok dude… see, i think you would
SlappyMcNutsack: i think you’re just fronting now
TheBJ: you won’t answer
TheBJ: obviously you will
TheBJ: homo
SlappyMcNutsack: what would i do?
TheBJ: yes I asked you three times now
TheBJ: you won’t respond
SlappyMcNutsack: i’m not in this scenario… you are
TheBJ: pu$$y
TheBJ: afraid to answer
SlappyMcNutsack: Fuck no I wouldnt do it
SlappyMcNutsack: but, i know you would
TheBJ: b/c you fantasize about it you ph@g
SlappyMcNutsack: nah dude, i just know how ghey you are
TheBJ: not the one who thought of it in the first place homo
SlappyMcNutsack: but you came up with eating corn from the shit
SlappyMcNutsack: thats pretty sick dude
SlappyMcNutsack: i mean, seriously
TheBJ: think I care?
SlappyMcNutsack: so you like shit?
SlappyMcNutsack: do you only eat corn from shit
SlappyMcNutsack: or do you enjoy peanuts too
SlappyMcNutsack: perhaps a lima bean?
TheBJ: I would eat shrimp
TheBJ: peanuts
TheBJ: beans
TheBJ: scallops
SlappyMcNutsack: sesame seads?
TheBJ: clam
TheBJ: I don’t eat sesame seads on a bagel
TheBJ: so no
SlappyMcNutsack: glad to see you draw the line somewhere
TheBJ: I DO have my limits
SlappyMcNutsack: you’ll tounge fuck a log of turd… but fuck no, you wont touch a sesame seed

Once again, it’s that time of year where we all sit back and give thanks for all the things we appreciate in life.

As we prepare our cookies and milk to leave out tonight for Thanksgiving Claus, we put together the 2008 eviljalapeno.com “Things We Are Thankful For” Top 10:

10. Sundried Tomato & Basil Wheat Thins: Quite possibly, the world’s greatest snack.  Thank you Nabisco!

9. LeBron James: I mean what’s the over/under on months until his “Eagle, CO raped an 18 year waitress” moment? I say later this year.

8. Mountain Dew: Nectar of the Gods. And great for decreasing your sperm count.

7. Robot Chicken’s Star Wars episodes: If you haven’t seen them yet, you suck. Seach the web for episodes or click HERE to buy them.

6. Kick-Ass (the comic book):Comic books have been sucking lately (i.e. the Red Hulk series)… but Mark Millar’s Kick-Ass is living up to it’s title.  Let’s just hope they don’t fuck it up with the movie (seriously, you’re putting Nicholas Cage in it!!?!?!?!?!)

5. Anderson Cooper: This Silver Fox is one more natural disaster away from world domination.

4. Chipotle: Barbacoa crunchy taco’s with hot and corn salsa… the meal you enjoy twice… enough said.

3. Playstation 3: Thank you for keeping us up till 3 a.m. and giving our significant others yet another reason to be mad at us.

2. Olivia Munn:Thank you for not only being extremely hot, but also digging video games, cool gadgets, joking around about vag juices, and looking awesome in a Slave Princess Leia outfit.

1. Call of Duty: We picked up Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare the day it was released, and played it almost exclusively until Call of Duty 5: World at War arrived.  Yes in that time, we’ve picked up other shooters and we’ve been completely disappointed.  Army of Two, great trailer, shitty game play.  Haze, WTF is this crap?  Battlefield: Bad Company, we waited so long for this game, and about 20 minutes after trying it, we were back to Call of Duty.   The Call of Duty series definitely set the benchmarks for all other shooters to compete with, we hope you other development studios step the fuck up!

(nope, no Call of Duty pic here, we’re still drooling over Oliva)

From all of us here at eviljalapeno.com, we hope you all have a great Thanksgiving… and as always… GFY!

I’ll admit, I’m a bit slow… but am I the only one that has never heard of a Balloon fetish until today?

People actually get off playing with, and popping balloons… WTF!?!

Um, yeah, and there’s sites dedicated to this shit too: http://www.loonervision.com/preview.shtml

Seriously, WTF!?

So, yeah, the J-E-T-S are pretty good this year. But let’s face it…they’ll NEVER be as good as they were when they had the greatest player the NFL has ever seen…FLASH! (AAAAAAAAAHHH!)
If you have any kind of spine you will watch this video and promptly run outside and tackle a toyota camry. Or go to a gay bar dressed as Freddie Mercury. Win-win, either way because this movie is top all-time awesome.

Ok, College basketball fans, we need an intervention.  Ok, specifically, white college basketball fans.  Are we so desperate for a hero?  Has basketball become so thoroughly dominated by black players that we cling to whatever Tobacco Road throws at us?  Yes, so give us tall white kid with some heart and determination and suddenly Larry Bird is re-born.  If he’s so great, why is he still in college?  Yeah, because he sucks.  And someone, thankfully, with a brain told him to stay because it will never get any better than this.  If this kid is a lottery pick next year in the NBA draft, I’ll milk a cat.  Until then I’ll watch his antics and try my best not to throw up all over my Dream Team Larry Bird jersey.

It all looked so promising yesterday. I knew what I was doing. The future was clear. Breaks were going my way…and then: Saints 51, Packers 29. My whale was gone. Like Keyser fuckin’ Soze.

It didn’t really bother me so much that I lost the bet, but when Drew Brees threw his 17th touchdown of the game and mouthed “Fuck you, EvilJeenyus!!” into the camera, I thought that was a bit much. Screwed once again by the fickle nature of the NFL…in an uncomfortable place…with a broom handle.

Luckily, I was smart enough to hedge my bet, so I still came out ahead in the whole ordeal, but I guess now I’ll have to return the llama, the chainsaw, and all those condoms.

Well, kids, looks like we won’t have a Christmas again this year.

EvilJeenyus: ever tried those batter blasters?
SlappyMcNutsack: batter blasters?
SlappyMcNutsack: sounds like my dick
EvilJeenyus: pancake mix in a whipped-cream can
EvilJeenyus: it’s actually pretty ingenious

EvilJeenyus: like love in a can
SlappyMcNutsack: WHAT!? no way, i make pancakes every sunday, been trying to perfect my pouring technique
SlappyMcNutsack: i make peanut butter m&m pancakes… fkn awesome
EvilJeenyus: go to whole foods and pick up a can of batter blasters
SlappyMcNutsack: they taste good too?
EvilJeenyus: yep
SlappyMcNutsack: is it like pre-made mix, or can you put your own in
EvilJeenyus: pre-made mix, but you can throw whatever you want into it once you spray it in the pan
SlappyMcNutsack: if you are good like me, you can even make them on a foreman grill
EvilJeenyus: i make blueberry pancakes that are bomb-tastic
EvilJeenyus: i’ve got a griddle for my stove
SlappyMcNutsack: i have a griddle for my grill
SlappyMcNutsack: bbq pancakes
EvilJeenyus: grills are for meat
EvilJeenyus: and occasionally vegetables, if on a skewer with meat
SlappyMcNutsack: yes, but when you are making steak & eggs
SlappyMcNutsack: you can do it all at the grill
EvilJeenyus: actually, that’s a valid scenario
EvilJeenyus: i’ll allow it
SlappyMcNutsack: :)
SlappyMcNutsack: i noticed you went quiet for a second… you couldnt find a flaw in my statement
SlappyMcNutsack: then allowed it
SlappyMcNutsack: LOL
EvilJeenyus: well, i had to consider whether eggs are meat or not
SlappyMcNutsack: haha

It was a solid weekend of gambling for your’s truly.  But tonight, I go on the final voyage of a hunt to bring down the Moby Dick of football gambling…the 6-pick parlay.  Now, usually, I don’t throw my money away with these silly types of bets, but my betting account happened to be a few dollars off from an even number, so I took a look at the slate of NFL games.  After a few minutes, I had them narrowed down to six that I liked, and I felt equally strong about all of them.  Thus, my $17.88, 6-pick parlay was born.  The odds of hitting such a bet?  Approximately 45 to 1.  The potential payoff?  $813.39.  A parlay destined for either greatness, or infamy, in the annals of my gambling history.  After a full day of Sunday games, the result has come down to a pick for the Packers +2.5 in the Monday Night game.  Pray for me.

The whale:

Bucs -8
Ravens -1.5
Pats -1.5
Falcons -1
Colts +3
Packers +2.5

The Doctor
Ok, germs.  This will be short.  Since I’m pretty much busy rolling around naked in all of my money, I don’t have much time between all the coked-out hookers, MGD, and fresh seafood brunches that occupy my life these days to spend on you little people.  So, I’ll keep my picks short and sweet.

NFL
Giants. Jets. Patroits.
NCAA
Texas Tech. Oregon State. Michigan. Michigan State.

El Slappy
So, unlike the Doc, I have plenty of time to write in depth discussion about my picks, but I just choose not to.  Here they are:
NFL
Giants (-3)
Titans (-5.5)
Colts (+2.5)
Yes, I picked the Colts.  Give me shit about it on Monday.
And as always, Good Luck Suckers!

EvilJeenyus
Phoning it in this week. Sue me.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Giants (-3) over Cardinals
There is one way to slow down the Christ-train that is Kurt Warner, and that is to blitz the ever-living shit out of him. Coincidentally, the Giants’ D and coaches LOVE to blitz. I’m thinking 2 picks, 1 fumble from St. Kurt.

Bears (-7.5) over Rams
As sad as this is to say, being a Rams fan, I guarantee that the Ed Jones Dome will be 60-70% full of Bears fans on Sunday. It’ll be Soldier Field South. Mustaches and polish sausages everywhere. Bulger will have to be put down like a horse with a bum leg.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Titans (-5) over Jets
Favre hasn’t thrown a pick in a while. I’m just sayin’. Meanwhile, the Titans are quietly going about a perfect season. Solid QB, solid running game, great defense. God, it would piss off Patriots fans if the Titans went undefeated this year too, and took some of Pats’ glory. I soo hope it happens.

Dolphins (PK) over Pats
The hooded one, Emperor Palpatine, I mean Bill Belicheck, will be ready for the Wildcat this time, but I still think Miami can pull it off at home.

Everybody loves an underdog:
Indy (+2.5) over Chargers
Manning looks like he’s back to bad-ass status, and the Chargers look like Norv Turner is coaching them. Take that last comment as you want.

Niners (+10) over Cowboys
Tony Romo is going to let a bum play quarterback in this one. No, not Brad Johnson again. The bum he took to the movies.

This one goes out to the National Football League. Now read that again, but this time pretend you’re Merrill Hodge and say it like he does. Because he’s awesome. Now stab yourself in the heart with screwdriver for pretending to be Merrill Hodge because he’s a fucking goon. Next week I’m just crumpling up $50 and just throwing it at a homeless person. For good college picks karma.