As 2008 comes to an end, and we all plan to get extremly shitfaced for NYE, please use this advice to avoid getting a DUI:
HACK THE HANDCUFFS AND RUN!

I’ll admit, during the holiday season I drink quite a bit of Johnnie Black, but someone please tell me I’m not the only one that see’s the resemblence here:

And, incase any of you have been hiding in under a rock and have know idea why I’m making the “Santa Shooter” the Asshole of the week, click here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081226/ts_nm/us_usa_santa_shooting

So, I’ll postpone my rant on “hollywood lacking original ideas and falling back to re-makes and comic books to save them” for another post, and just focus on this movie.

Wow, what a really horrible fucking flick!

Though I went into the movie with low expectations, a part of me was hoping that something good would show up… and it did for about the first half of the movie, but then it was like someone changed the channel from Sci-Fi to Lifetime.  I know this is a re-make, and I admit I haven’t seen the first one, so I dont know if they were just following the original storyline, but to me it seemed like they changed writers (to female ones)  in the middle of the movie.  Aliens being touched by human emotion… ghey.

As for Keanu, well, he actually played the part pretty well… by that I mean, he showed no emotion and looked clueless 98% of the time.  I guess that combo works for an alien in a humans body.  Jayden Smith on the other hand should shoot himself.

If I had to say something positive about my movie  experience, it’d be that the preview trailers for Wolverine: Origins and Star Trek looked pretty bad ass.

Take my advice, save your $8.

I always try to stop and think about the little people during the hectic holiday season, so it’s refreshing to see an organization that shares my way of thinking.

Especially when those people are making sure I don’t drink no piss.

Dear Santa,
I’m easy this year. I already got my CGC 9.8 New Mutants #98. I just had a doctor’s appointment and my cholesterol is finally down below Defcon 4. And the Yankees sealed their fate for the next 10 years by continuing to severely overpay for fat, bum-elbowed meat chuckers. So, I really don’t need anything I don’t already have, except for maybe a rub down from Megan Fox? But I’ll throw together a list for you and your elves anyway. Enjoy the double-stuffed oreos and cow juice, as usual, my good friend.

1. Damn-near life size replica of the Aluminum Falcon.

2. Speaking of cholesterol, we’ve all heard of Bacon Salt, but there’s a new sheriff in town, Baconnaise. Hot Damn!

3. Usually I’m not a fan of video games based on movies. But I’ll make an exception with this one.

4. The zombie invasion is coming. We need to be prepared.

5. I’d read this beauty for the articles.

Thanks Santa.   Hugs,
Dr. Meat

1. Seriously, don’t watch this.

2. Jesus, this looks horrible. Hey, Samuel L. Jackson, we get it, you’re a fan boy. That doesn’t mean you have to be in every fucking movie in the genre. And Nick Fury’s white. Douche.

3. I’ve had it up to here (pointing to my asshole) with this motherfucker. Hey, Kevin, remember when you played in Minnesota and you and your team sucked serious cock? Congratulations on getting traded to a championship team. Way to go on being a humble, grateful team player. You handle yourself with the dignity and grace of a true champion. Your family must be proud that your not a total asshole and that all of this success hasn’t gone to your giant head. You fucking prick.

4. I fucking hate little dogs.

5. Call of Duty 5. This motherfucking game is the bane of my existence. The first 20 seconds of this video pretty much sums it up for me. Besides the fact that some punk-ass bitch is blowing my arms and legs off before I can even get my cross-hairs on them, they’re talking shit to me in Arabic or Chinese. Not to mention she’s probably 10 years old.

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If Dave Thomas only knew what his daughter was up to:

11:32am Woke up.
11:33am Didn’t shower.
11:38am Ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes.
11:41am Watched Sportscenter.
11:45am Fired up the PS3.
11:47am First 10 Kill Streak on Call of Duty 5.
12:08pm Second 10 Kill Streak on Call of Duty 5.
12:17pm Burned frozen pizza.
12:22pm Drove to McDonalds.
12:25pm Ate McDonalds.
12:37pm Back to PS3.
1:49pm   Masturbated to the new GQ pics of Jennifer Aniston.*
1:52pm   Nap.
5:08pm   Woke up.
5:12pm   Read 8 comic books in bed.**
6:30pm   Left house to watch “The Day The Earth Stood Still”. Keanu is the man.***
9:00pm   Fired up the PS3.
9:15pm   Third 10 Kill Streak on Call of Duty 5.
1:01am   Ate previously burned frozen pizza washed down with two Mountain Dews.
4:21am   Masturbated to the new GQ pics of Jennifer Aniston.*
4:23am   Went to bed.

*I didn’t actually use the magazine. I used the internet. Because that magazine is for gay bankers and fans of Tom Brady.
**These books included “Watchmen” and “Y:The Last Man”. Both, of which, should but probably won’t make excellent movies.
***Keanu is the man. Don’t get me wrong, he’s laid more than his fair share of turds in Hollywood. However, if you haven’t seen “Constantine”, do yourself the favor. It’s like Johnny Utah fighting Bodhi, except Bodhi is fucking Satan.

5.  Ok, so this one isn’t so much bad-ass as it is basically a family tear-jerker.  But if you’re gonna say “Why can’t we all just get along?”, why not do it on a desolate alien planet with a frog-faced Louis Gossett, Jr?  I mean really…aren’t all of us at the evil jalapeno confident enough in our pussy-grabbing abilities to confess to the awesome-ness of this movie?  And to my perfect over-use of hyphens?  Yes.