So the play-in matches are finished…and in the immortal 11th century words of King Philippe and Princess Leonore, let the games begin.
Round One: Thing v. Hulk

1. Kicking Ass.
“It’s Clobberin’ Time!” is a pretty lame catch phrase. Makes me cringe almost worse than “HULK SMASH!” or “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” But there’s no arguing Ben Grimm’s 100 ton strength. However, “rock” men are a dime a dozen, right? I’m thinking this guy from that one awesome movie. And then there’s this this guy. Don’t get me wrong, Thing can stomp some ass. But maybe I’m hung up on the science? How does he sit in a car? Or fly in a jet? I mean apparently even if your bag weighs one pound over fifty it costs an extra $200 in jet fuel? I’m just sayin’ that unless he’s made of pumice…he’s got bigger weight issues than Oprah.
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Submitted by ElChupacabra

I am probably one of a hand full of Americans that likes to watch soccer, yes I said it I’m a Closet Soccer Fan. But I have quickly learned there is nothing hippies can’t ruin for me. It’s bad enough that these cocksuckers think they are African with their Djembes drums (google that shit) or Rastafarians with their dreads. Now they have to go and ruin soccer for me, YOU’VE GOT TO BE FISTING ME!!!! God, I wish I had Cartman’s hippie drill (Ep 902).

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been wanting to fly. After attempting to jump off roofs, and out of trees several times a day over the past 30 years, I’ve finally came to the realization that I won’t be getting my superpowers anytime soon. And as I can’t run out to Best Buy and pick up a Jetpack, I’ll have to resort to building my own. Though others have tried, and some been have been slightly successful, the following clips are inspiring me:

Personally, I like the Japanese style better:

Last week on Tuesday, IBM rallied the stock market by announcing record earnings. The CEO sent every employee an email thanking them for their hard work and bragging about how it was the first time in history they exceeded $100billion in revenue.

That was Tuesday. Wednesday morning the phone calls went out and they made 16,000 layoffs.

Then today, not even one full week later, they put out statements talking about how they are pretty much recession-proof!

WTF IBM! For that, you are our ASSHOLE of the Week!

Other Layoffs that were annouced today:
5000 at Microsoft
8000 at Sprint
7000 at Home Depot
2000 at GM
6000 at United Airlines
8000 at Pfizer

Apparently our new 44th President likes to show his affection in a special way. Many have tried, few have been successful, Kudo’s to Michelle Obama for being able to take it!

If you’re still clueless click HERE.

So, the way this is gonna work is, I’ll give my general impressions of an album, along with a few highlights/lowlights.  Barn burners are, just that:  songs that make you want to sing along at the top of your lungs with a beer in each hand.  Piss-break songs, on the other hand, are the ones that you hear the band start up at a concert and you use as an opportune moment to hit the bathroom and release some beer back into the wild.

Since this is my first go at this, I’m going to go through a few albums that have already been out a few months, but that have been in regular rotation on my iPod recently.  Bear with me.  We’ll start with the Kings of Leon’s latest release, Only By the Night.

Previous albums you have to own:   Youth and Young Manhood, Aha Shake Heartbreak, Because of the Times

I have a soft spot in my heart for the Kings of Leon.  They’re one of the bands that I discovered early on in their careers and have been following ever since.  Bands like that tend to give me a feeling of ownership, so when they do blow up, it’s like watching a kid grow.  I’ve been on the bandwagon since their first major album, when practically nobody knew who they were in the States, but they were huge in Europe.  I’ve seen them live at least 6 times, including recently back in November, and every time they kick my ass.  They play the kind of dirty, rollicking, garage-rock songs that make me want to get drunk and howl at the moon.

The new album, Only By the Night, is generally good.   KoL have evolved a bit since their first album, but the most recent change in the new album is a bit of a more radio-friendly sound.  The songs on this album and its predecessor, Because of the Times, are more polished than their earlier work.  This comes partly from the fact that some of the songs are a bit slower paced compared to some of their frantic earlier albums, and partly because the lyrics are actually intelligible this time around.  KoL’s lead singer, Caleb Followill, is a student of Eddie Vedder’s Yellow Ledbetter school of singing, so it’s tough to decipher what’s he singing on a lot of their previous work.  That being said, the bits and pieces that you catch and can figure out are usually clever, insightful, and unapologetically sexual, so I kind of like the mystery.

Even with the slightly different sound, KoL is better at writing and playing a rock song than most bands out right now.  At their cleanest, KoL are still far dirtier than any of the mainstream acts.  They can rock a grungy southern-rock  tune or a sweeping arena sing-along as well as anyone.  This album features a bit of both, which is a pretty nice balance.  If you like that sort of thing, you’ll like this album. In my opinion, there isn’t a truly bad song on it.

Barn Burners(s):   Closer, Sex on Fire, Use Somebody

Piss-break Song(s):  Revelry

Best lyric(s):  “A choke and a gag, she spit up and come back for more” – I Want You

Rating: 4 1/2 peppers

As an admitted shoe-whore, these new, limited-edition kicks from Nike give me a huge, throbbing boner.  They’re inspired by Hoosiers, White Men Can’t Jump, and Teen Wolf.

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Actual exchange with a friend today (Inauguration Day, cretins):

FunnyWeeAttorney: I feel like we just drafted a black quarterback and he is gonna try to run the ball a lot.

EvilJeenyus: Yeah, but he’s replacing the old quarterback that’s been concussed one too many times, so it’s definitely an upgrade.

I’m not one for partisan politics, so normally I don’t give much of a shit who is running the country, but we’re in the middle of a serious clusterfuck.  Something needed to change.  Republicans, you fucked up.  Democrats, it’s your turn again to try to prove that you’re the competent party.  I’m not holding my breath, though.  Good luck, Obama.

"Kurt, grip it and lip it, you pussy!"

Hall of Famer Kurt Warner’s in. Larry Fitzgerald sounds more like a middle school math teacher, than the greatest receiver in the history of history. And the Cardinals’ defense kept it rollin’.
Baltimore had a rookie QB. And it finally mattered against the greatest defense in the history of history. Nineteen turnovers in the final six minutes isn’t gonna get you to the Big Game. And Pittsburgh has a Pro Bowler at every position on defense.
So, get ready for the same four awesome Sportcenter headlines crammed down your throat for two weeks:
1. Kurt Warner loves his wife. Who, shockingly, doesn’t look as much like a troll-goblin-lesiban-softball coach as she did last time Kurt was in a Super Bowl. Mostly because she has more hair.
2. Anquan Boldin just wants to win Super Bowls.
3. Mike Tomlin is black tough.
4. Is Brett Farve coming back?
Now the early spread I jumped on was Arizona +7. This is because everyone thinks Pittsburgh’s defense is gonna make Arizona one-dimensional. Warner gets forced into throwing the ball deep every play. Steelers force turnovers and it’s a rout, kinda like what they always do. So, what you think should happen won’t. This game will be close. And if…if Arizona gets a lead, which they could easily do and make Pittsburgh chuck it. Forget it. Bet the beet farm.

Ok, you piece of trash. You are worse than a rapist. No, you are a rapist. You unoriginal, cheating, couldn’t pull a piece of ass unless your finger poked through the toilet paper, son of a bitch. Show yourself. Finish your dick sandwich, then stick your head out of that window so I can cook a grenade in your ugly face. I’ll then empty a clip down your headless throat.

Call of Duty glitches straight suck.

These cheats that allow online players to sneak under the actual gameplay map unseen from the real players and pick us off unknowingly are total bullshit.

Way to ruin it for everybody, you immoral spawns of hate and pus. We hope your mothers all contract rectal cancer and their last painful, dying words are that they wished your fathers would’ve pulled out and blown you on their face. Because you turned out to be a worthless waste of money and effort. And they’re glad they at least got to spend the majority of your childhood drunk.

Dammit. I need to go punch someone.