1. I keep having this reoccurring dream. It involves Jay Leno and Ellen having a joke-off. It goes on for hours and no one laughs. Then Howie Mandel storms in, tells a “joke”, and everyone within earshot head explodes from lack of being entertained.
Seriously, these people are professionals? My dogs smelling their own farts deserve more attention then these fools. Especially, Howie Fucking Mandel. Fucking Buy.com commercials.


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Submitted by El Chupacabra

For President’s Day, we’d like to share with you the real story of the events that took place at Ford’s theater the day that Lincoln was assasinated:

this will be the last Kurt Warner video on this website. I hope.





1. Kurt Warner loves Jesus.
2. Apparently, Kurt only has one shirt. Click here.
3. Ellen is a man. And I’m pretty sure Jesus looks down on that.


*Only watch the first :40 or so, then push yourself off a bridge with no water underneath.

Back to it, jags.
Round One: Iron Man v. Lex Luthor


1. Kicking Ass.
The movie. Yeah. Pretty good. Moving on.
Iron Man is the original. A gold and red standard. He’s been dead a few times, or not. He’s fought everyone, lost and won. He’s got brains and strength due to various factors. The reactor in his chest. And some crazy techno-virus he injected himself with which makes him even more like a cylon. Understand, we dig robots. And we’re doing everything we can to align ourselves with the robots when they decide to take over the world. Everyone should know by now you’re going to either side with the robots or the zombies? The choice is simple. Need proof, skeptic ones?
But to get back on point, Iron Man can pretty much kick whatever ass he wants. And if he can’t, give him 5 minutes, and he’ll figure it out.
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And we get to see how overrated Watchmen will be. I’ve had a couple conversations with people of varying intelligence, and the consensus is that Watchmen is a decent read with it’s place as a somewhat groundbreaking book intact, considering when it was written.
However, I’m willing to bet my entire collection of original Stars Wars action figures that is movie will be another over-hyped, let down.
Am I a negative person? Usually.
But, can you name a movie in the last 10 years that has ever lived up to the hype? Especially, the hype brought on by comic book shop loitering, Kevin Smith look-a-like, fan boy virgins? I say no. But give it a try. And if you say Ghost Rider or Spiderman or Ghost Rider or Spiderman or Transformers, I’ll slash the tires on your van.

Back in October, we showed you a sneak preview of the much anticipated Spider-Man: 4.
Well, thanks to our field team of reporters here at eviljalapeno.com, we’re able to bring you even more footage. As this isn’t in english, I’m not sure what exactly they are saying, but i’m sure it’s somthing about how ghey Tobey Maguire is….Just jump to the 43 second mark.

Dear Mcdonalds,
When the fuck are you bringing back the McRib?!?!?!?!
And why do you have to be such douchebags and only keep it around for a “limited time”?

ASSHOLES!

Sincerly,
SlappyMcNutsack

Sidenote #1 – Check out this McRib Locator:
http://kleincast.com/maps/mcrib.php

Sidenote #2 – People that pronounce McDonalds “Mac”Donalds are ghey.

1. Pink Panther 2.I was going to say Paul Blart: Mall Cop, here, but apparently Kevin James is adorable and people actually saw this movie. So, we’ll go with Steve Martin. This guy has fallen farther than Cuba Gooding, Jr.
I watched him host something like his 20th episode of SNL last week and laughed, never. Then he had the seeds to break out his banjo and play a fuckin’ song from his new bluegrass children’s album. Yeah.
Well, the Pink Panther movie (and fucking sequels) is the last straw. I don’t care if you were funny in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. You are officially a Wayans brother. Die.

2. The Economy. Apparently it sucks. I wouldn’t know because I’m rich.

3. NFL officials.There really isn’t anything to go into here. For the most part, NBA referees are the lowest of the low regarding inconsistency and injecting their poison into the outcome of a game. But some of the calls in that Super Bowl were, well, you watched it. Unbelievable.

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