Lycurgus: there should be a Jerking Off olympics
SlappyMcNutsack: that would mean several events
SlappyMcNutsack: what kinda JO events would exist?
SlappyMcNutsack: Distance?
SlappyMcNutsack: quantitiy?
Lycurgus: driving a manual while jerking
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: distance and quantity
Lycurgus: aim
Lycurgus: what’s that winter game where they ski to a target
Lycurgus: shoot the target
Lycurgus: then ski to the next one…
SlappyMcNutsack: bi-athalon
Lycurgus: yeah
Lycurgus: that
Lycurgus: although, we’d have to change the name
SlappyMcNutsack: back to your “driving a manual while jerking”
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: how would you judge that
Lycurgus: there’s got to be an obstacle course with cones
SlappyMcNutsack: but, does driver have to complete?
Lycurgus: and you have to complete by the time you cross the finish line
Lycurgus: yeah
SlappyMcNutsack: and how do u know he wont complete at start then finish the race
Lycurgus: driver has to complete
Lycurgus: have to start both at the same time
Lycurgus: or
Lycurgus: actually that’d be fine
Lycurgus: but might be a bad strategy
Lycurgus: if the other dude starts both at the same time
SlappyMcNutsack: hmm, requires more thought…. and some trial runs
Lycurgus: indeed
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe a HanJ olympics
Lycurgus: nice
SlappyMcNutsack: or that can be in the masturbation olympics as a group event
SlappyMcNutsack: team sport
Lycurgus: you could have duo’s
Lycurgus: team… not sure how that would work
SlappyMcNutsack: maybe like a relay
SlappyMcNutsack: like have a bunch of people on a Jerking team
SlappyMcNutsack: but you cant start till your team mate finishes
SlappyMcNutsack: then get a team time
Lycurgus: this is why i need to establish my financial independence
Lycurgus: so i can focus on more pressing matters like this
SlappyMcNutsack: agreed
Archive for April, 2009
How come whenever I call a company with an automated phone system, the “voice recognition” never understands me? Or I’ll be driving and the background noise screws everything up, and I get re-routed to the wrong department, or get flight info for the wrong day.
What ever happened to people answering the phone?
Oh yeah, NM, that got shipped off to India… I’ll save that for another rant.
Swine flu? Really? Come on, Mother Nature. Your attempts to thin out stupid people have been pretty weak lately. You’re not even gonna make a dent using something that can be prevented by soap and water? You haven’t done anything worth a shit since Katrina Deep Impact. I have some ideas. However, I’d have trouble convincing people that some of these were you. Whatever. Somebody’s gotta do it.
1. trap everyone at a Peta rally inside a theater and release killer bees
2. put the aerosol bio-weapon that’s killing Jack Bauer in AXE body spray
3. crop dust a few NASCAR races
4. sell peanuts tainted with salmonella exclusively at Yankee stadium
5. put a secret suicidal subliminal message in any song by Britney Spears or Amy Winehouse.
6. geese could fly into the jet engines of a plane carrying Skip Bayless, Sam Raimi, and the entire cast of The Hills
7. (feel free to chime in, losers)
I’ve always thought, why bother worrying about if the carpet matches the drapes, when you could have a hardwood floor.
I mean, seriously, why worry about the having to deal with the puskers, amish beard, bearded clam, porcupussy, little hitler, fuzznatch, chicken back, cactipus, pussy tail, spanish moss, landing strip, squirrely bottom, vinegina, taintbrow, or sastwatch. Doctor Bombay all the way… actually now that I think of it, isn’t pubic hair so 1990’s? Also, maybe it’s just me, but watching a girl wince in pain while getting a wax, in some wierd way, is kinda a turn on!
This video pretty much sums it up, but I’ll gladly take a few moments of my employer’s time to give you wankers a few more:
(more…)
This blog is pushing through like a kidney stone. So, buckle up. There could be a lot of blood.
This one’s gonna be a slap-fest. We’re pitting “probably gay” Mr. Fantastic v. “maybe gay” Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, I know, Wolverine gay? He’s the bad-assiest bad ass ever? Well, did you see Jackman host the Oscars? Yeah, neither did we, but we heard it was a bunch of tight pants Broadway bullshit.
Round One: Mr. Fantastic v. Wolverine
Mr. Fantastic
When I’m having a bad day, I just watch this commercial. And thank the gods that I am amazing enough to appreciate this. I need to grow out my beard again, as do all of you. But first, I need to go buy some Dos Equis.
Kate sucks.
If you think about it, she never really accomplishes anything, just screws shit up. She struts her stuff around, thinking she’s all hot shit, getting guys to fall for her, then goes and screws shit up for everyone. She can’t ever just do what she say’s she’s gonna do! She’s always wandering off and getting caught somehow, wasting everyones time and ruining their plans because they have to go save her again. Even when she’s trying to help, she somehow fucks everything up… or she can’t keep a secret… or she accidentally gives away some plan because she can’t lie worth a crap… UGH, I can’t stand her!
What a cunt.
If I ever find a genie’s lamp, these would be my three wishes:
1. I would want to wake up the next morning in a park, badly beaten with amnesia. In my pocket, a random locker key from the train station. In that locker, a small bag of $100 bills and 11 different passports.
2. I would want Kobe Bryant to be raped by Roger Clemens while Barry Bonds films it.
3. Finally, when the end of the world comes, it should involve robots with alien technology.
By the sound of this article, those robots better get their asses in gear. Maybe this is old news. But apparently, our demise WILL BE boring ol’ greenhouse gases. But not from cars or factories, no, but from cow farts. Bullshit? No, really bull shit. Get it? Cattle ass gas. I guess the asshole’s the real asshole this time? Ok, I’ll stop.
