Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 04:46:54 +0000

Back to it, jags.

Round One: Iron Man v. Lex Luthor

1. Kicking Ass.
The movie. Yeah. Pretty good. Moving on.
Iron Man is the original. A gold and red standard. He’s been dead a few times, or not. He’s fought everyone, lost and won. He’s got brains and strength due to various factors. The reactor in his chest. And some crazy techno-virus he injected himself with which makes him even more like a cylon. Understand, we dig robots. And we’re doing everything we can to align ourselves with the robots when they decide to take over the world. Everyone should know by now you’re going to either side with the robots or the zombies? The choice is simple. Need proof, skeptic ones?
But to get back on point, Iron Man can pretty much kick whatever ass he wants. And if he can’t, give him 5 minutes, and he’ll figure it out.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Tony Stark is dapper, to say the least. And the Iron Man suit works. He’s got no problems here. Except for that Joey Fatone, Slappy McNutsack pencil-line goatee bullshit.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Yes, but only to “sweep up the crumbs”. Or “fall on the grenade”, as the kids say.
Now, here’s the main issue. Tony Stark, to me, seems like a bit of “fingers in too many pies” kind of guy. With SHIELD, Stark Industries, the Illuminati, all this Civil War bullshit. Personally, I think he should stick to bangin’ reporters and building weapons. Maybe bust the head of a terrorist or a Skrull once in a while?
Yeah, the Civil War story was shit.
What he did to the Hulk was crap. He just seems like a bit of a douche.
Let’s call him the Alex Rodriguez of super heroes? “Yeah, sorry I fucked shit up. Probably did shit ass-backwards in my prime. But, hey, I win games for you in the regular season. And, shit, if you’re lucky enough to draft me in your fantasy league next year, with those all those bitches the Yankees signed this winter, you got a puncher’s chance. Right?”
I’m just saying.
Probably a nice guy, though.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Lex Luthor? Really? Yeah, really. DC has a pretty good knack for criminal masterminds. A Joker v. Luthor battle would be dirtier than a Jessie Janye porn, but we’re not that kind of website, I think?
Anyway, Lex is brillant and, at times, has the world’s greatest superhero, Superman, by the scrotum. So, that’s worth somethin’. He’s a sociopath, a trait we can appreciate.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Telly Savalas with the attitude of Courtney Love? No thanks.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
No. It would be awkward. Like him with his shiny kryptonite ring, holding a furry white cat, saying “My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet” awkward.

Score:

Head-to-head: This one ended up closer than expected. You got the Tony Stark/Alex Rodriguez thing. But you’re mostly jealous because he’s rich and makes Hugh Hefner look like Kenneth the NBC Page. And weapons are cool. Then you’ve got Lex Luthor who’s been in a movie with Richard Pryor. So, it was close.

Advantage: Iron Man

5 Reasons To Kill Yourself.

Dr. Meat — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 20:33:15 +0000

1. Seriously, don’t watch this.

2. Jesus, this looks horrible. Hey, Samuel L. Jackson, we get it, you’re a fan boy. That doesn’t mean you have to be in every fucking movie in the genre. And Nick Fury’s white. Douche.

3. I’ve had it up to here (pointing to my asshole) with this motherfucker. Hey, Kevin, remember when you played in Minnesota and you and your team sucked serious cock? Congratulations on getting traded to a championship team. Way to go on being a humble, grateful team player. You handle yourself with the dignity and grace of a true champion. Your family must be proud that your not a total asshole and that all of this success hasn’t gone to your giant head. You fucking prick.

4. I fucking hate little dogs.

5. Call of Duty 5. This motherfucking game is the bane of my existence. The first 20 seconds of this video pretty much sums it up for me. Besides the fact that some punk-ass bitch is blowing my arms and legs off before I can even get my cross-hairs on them, they’re talking shit to me in Arabic or Chinese. Not to mention she’s probably 10 years old.

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Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Advantage: Iron Man

5 Reasons To Kill Yourself.