4. “WOLVERINES!!!!!”

3. When Bruno drinks the green formula and turns into Little Bruno…? Yeah, in 1982 I cried myself to sleep for months because of the nightmares. Now, I think of Ned Beatty in Deliverance, and still cry myself to sleep. Why? Only Rorschach knows. Or maybe Freud. Jesus.

2. Alex Rogan had a dream. It involved kicking some Kodan Armada ass with something called a Death Blossom. And after this movie came out, I was finally proud to be living in a trailer park in rural Nebraska. For the record, yes, that guy is driving a Delorean.

1. This movie takes shits that look like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It’s got fuckin’ a spider queen, a cyclops, and a bad-ass boomerang ninja star. I dare you to list one thing more evil and fantastic than a bad-ass boomerang ninja star with retractable blades and a personality. Try.