"Kurt, grip it and lip it, you pussy!"

Hall of Famer Kurt Warner’s in. Larry Fitzgerald sounds more like a middle school math teacher, than the greatest receiver in the history of history. And the Cardinals’ defense kept it rollin’.
Baltimore had a rookie QB. And it finally mattered against the greatest defense in the history of history. Nineteen turnovers in the final six minutes isn’t gonna get you to the Big Game. And Pittsburgh has a Pro Bowler at every position on defense.
So, get ready for the same four awesome Sportcenter headlines crammed down your throat for two weeks:
1. Kurt Warner loves his wife. Who, shockingly, doesn’t look as much like a troll-goblin-lesiban-softball coach as she did last time Kurt was in a Super Bowl. Mostly because she has more hair.
2. Anquan Boldin just wants to win Super Bowls.
3. Mike Tomlin is black tough.
4. Is Brett Farve coming back?
Now the early spread I jumped on was Arizona +7. This is because everyone thinks Pittsburgh’s defense is gonna make Arizona one-dimensional. Warner gets forced into throwing the ball deep every play. Steelers force turnovers and it’s a rout, kinda like what they always do. So, what you think should happen won’t. This game will be close. And if…if Arizona gets a lead, which they could easily do and make Pittsburgh chuck it. Forget it. Bet the beet farm.

Ok Jags, it’s not too hard this week. I’ve been rollin’ with the underdogs through the playoffs and I’m up. So, listen.

1. Arizona sucks. But if that defense shows up again like it did against Delhomme, well, the Eagles get smoked. Kurt Warner obviously has sold his soul to Satan. And he wears awesome striped shirts.
So, AZ at home and an underdog? Come on now. Easy.

2. Have you ever heard of Ed Reed? Yeah, that guy might be the greatest football player in the history of history. But I like the Steelers. And I like Tomlin. What I don’t like is how much Ben Rotlessburger enjoys being on his back. Dude likes being sacked more than Kurt Warner, which is saying something. And there’s this guy, Ray “The Last Boy Scout” Lewis who likes to kill people. The Ravens on the road, underdogs, rookie QB? Go with it.
Oh, and the over/under is something like 4. Probably stay away from that.

Yeah, so no Horrible Weekly Betting Advice this week. Seriously, you know the NFL and Vegas know how fucking crazy shit is when the lines are as perfectly stupid as they are this weekend.
Four home underdogs!? Yeah, right. I’m staying away.
Mostly.
The team I think least deserves to be in the playoffs, the Arizona Cardinals, should get destroyed.
I’m betting them to win.
So far, the college bowls games have been kind. The freakin’ PAC 10 is 5-0, 3-0 for me, so if Oklahoma can get it done against Touchdown Tebow, I’m taking some lucky lady out to a nice seafood dinner. Or Sizzler.

EvilJeenyus
Well, we’re back after a week off, and thank your lucky ass I didn’t post last week, because I got keeeled. Not that you would take my stupid advice anyway.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Cards (-14) over Rams
This will be a shit storm. The Cards can clinch a playoff spot with a win, they’re at home and oh yeah, the Rams are terrible. Stephen Jackson is feuding with the coach, Marc Bulger is a corpse, and Kurt Warner still has God on his side. Always give the points when God is involved.

Ravens (-5) over Redskins
I’m really liking the Ravens right now. Flacco is as solid as a rookie QB can be and Ray Lewis is still a psychopath. They’ve got a solid ground game, a solid throwing game, and a defense that can still get worked up and decapitate people from time to time. I think they’ll get to Jason Campbell for a couple turnovers at least, and Portis will be out of the game by halftime.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Giants (-7) over Eagles
I don’t trust the Eagles against the good teams. The Giants are absolutely dominant on both lines, so their skill players aren’t as important. (I’m looking at you, Eli.) Nice knowing ya, Plax.

Chargers (-9) over Raiders
The Chargers have to step up and win one at some point, right? Right? They’ll either give up and lose this game by 10 or win it by 20.

Pats (-4.5) over Seahawks
I do like this game, but I absolutely HAD to put this in my picks just to mention the hit on New England’s Wes Welker last week. Ho-ly shit. That hit didn’t just give him a concussion, it probably killed his whole family.

Everybody loves an underdog:
Bucs (+3) over Panthers
I haven’t been able to figure either of these teams out all year, but I think the Bucs are better than people realize and the Panthers aren’t as good as their record indicates.

Dr. Meat’s Hooks

NCAA

Well, jags, it’s on like Voltron. Sell some plasma, sell some sperm, sell your soul. Never bet against Tim Tebow. Watch the post conference video after the Ole Miss loss. This team will roll. Tim Tebow is gonna stomp a swamp puddle in Bama. Yeah, the spread is a little much, but it’s a trick, people. Vegas, I’m on to you. You can’t hide from me anymore. You’re surrounded by landmines, surrounded by tanks, surrounded by Chuck Norris. Give up.
On a side note, yeah, I most likely have an inappropriate crush on Tebow, but someone explain to me why Mel Kiper doesn’t see Tebow as a QB in the NFL. He’s smart, fast, strong arm…? I don’t get it. Jamarcus Russell can go number 1, but Tim Tebow is projected to be a second round H-back? Ok. Feel free to explain that one to me.
Florida (9.5) And it’s probably -10 by tomorrow.
Honestly everything else is too much of a stretch. Although I’ll be pulling the trigger on Oklahoma at some point. I think they’ve scored 200 points in each of their last 5 games. And Missouri has a fat Chase Daniels that has a finance job with Warren Buffet lined up after graduation. Now there’s QB that shouldn’t get drafted.
Oklahoma (-infinity) Doesn’t matter.

NFL
I am abstaining from the NFL picks this week. Fuck the NFL.

Well, we didn’t get our picks up in time this week. But it’s better that way. Both Saturday and Sunday were pretty ugly. Two of three here. Three of four there. I stayed afloat with a couple straight bets on Saturday and some NBA basketball on Sunday, but overall it was dismal. But that’s ok, because this week is championship week. Follow our advice here later this week and you can guarantee Uncle Vincent won’t be sending you a box of broken pencils for Christmas.
Now watch this video, then go outside and punch a stop sign. It made me feel better.

The Doctor
Ok, germs.  This will be short.  Since I’m pretty much busy rolling around naked in all of my money, I don’t have much time between all the coked-out hookers, MGD, and fresh seafood brunches that occupy my life these days to spend on you little people.  So, I’ll keep my picks short and sweet.

NFL
Giants. Jets. Patroits.
NCAA
Texas Tech. Oregon State. Michigan. Michigan State.

El Slappy
So, unlike the Doc, I have plenty of time to write in depth discussion about my picks, but I just choose not to.  Here they are:
NFL
Giants (-3)
Titans (-5.5)
Colts (+2.5)
Yes, I picked the Colts.  Give me shit about it on Monday.
And as always, Good Luck Suckers!

EvilJeenyus
Phoning it in this week. Sue me.

99.9% guaranteed free money:
Giants (-3) over Cardinals
There is one way to slow down the Christ-train that is Kurt Warner, and that is to blitz the ever-living shit out of him. Coincidentally, the Giants’ D and coaches LOVE to blitz. I’m thinking 2 picks, 1 fumble from St. Kurt.

Bears (-7.5) over Rams
As sad as this is to say, being a Rams fan, I guarantee that the Ed Jones Dome will be 60-70% full of Bears fans on Sunday. It’ll be Soldier Field South. Mustaches and polish sausages everywhere. Bulger will have to be put down like a horse with a bum leg.

Others I like. Not like-like, but, you know, just as friends:
Titans (-5) over Jets
Favre hasn’t thrown a pick in a while. I’m just sayin’. Meanwhile, the Titans are quietly going about a perfect season. Solid QB, solid running game, great defense. God, it would piss off Patriots fans if the Titans went undefeated this year too, and took some of Pats’ glory. I soo hope it happens.

Dolphins (PK) over Pats
The hooded one, Emperor Palpatine, I mean Bill Belicheck, will be ready for the Wildcat this time, but I still think Miami can pull it off at home.

Everybody loves an underdog:
Indy (+2.5) over Chargers
Manning looks like he’s back to bad-ass status, and the Chargers look like Norv Turner is coaching them. Take that last comment as you want.

Niners (+10) over Cowboys
Tony Romo is going to let a bum play quarterback in this one. No, not Brad Johnson again. The bum he took to the movies.