Listen, you sonsabitches, I don’t give two rats fucking that it isn’t time for a motherfuckin’ upgrade.  I want a fucking iphone.  Now.  I already went into the apple store.  Spent an hour going through the registration process with the correct upgrade price only to have that fuckin’ B.O. smelling motherfucker say “Uh, don’t know what’s going on here.  We can’t control anything on AT&T’s end.  Sorry”.  Yeah, sorry.  Fuck you.  I want my fucking iphone already.  So then I leave the store only to find that this motherfucker killed the sim card on my original phone.  Great.  I drive to an AT&T store.  They ask me, “Well, why do you want to fix this phone?  Where’s your iphone?  It says here you have an iphone.”  So I punch the guy in the throat.  He dies.  The manager calls the cops, and I barely get away.  Then I call the Apple store.  Tell them to fuck off.  Then I call AT&T.  They tell me to fuck off.  Then I call Joe Pesci.  He fucking kills everybody.
Bottom-line:  Fuck you mutha fuckin’ cell phone companies.  Especially AT&motherfuckingT. Get your fuckin’ shit together.







2.  Street Fighter.







Look, Hollywood or Hong Kong or someone is trying to improve upon the first JCVD verison of Street Fighter. This is something I could do with crayons on a table at T.G.I.Fridays, but whatever.
Disturbingly, if I ever procreate, it’s seems like Hollywood wants to help make sure my kids hate me.
“Hey, son, Star Wars is cool.”
“Yeah, dad, I saw Episodes I, II, and III. There were great. Loser.”
“Hey, son, I used to play Street Fighter all the time. It’s sweet.”
“Yeah, dad, your video games are more gay than Brody Jenner.”
“Damn.”
Anyway, the hot girl from Smallville is in this, as is this guy, whom I like for some reason.
Click here for the trailer.
This won’t be good, right? We not gonna see this, right?



3. Casino Buffets.







Granted I’ve only needed to eat at a couple of these travesties. One being in Treasure Island and the other, I think, was on some Indian reservation in Washington? Anyway, the food never looks like the giant displays before you go in. And buffet lines have to be the leading cause for food poisioning in the world. Ok, maybe just in America, I’ll concede that it’s something different in Somalia. So in some emergency room in Las Vegas, do you think the staff there says, “Another victim of the Golden Nugget shrimp cocktail.”? I think so.



4. Nic Cage







I put this picture up because it’s really the only thing this turd has ever done that’s worth a crap, except maybe, MAYBE..The Rock. And I only say that because I’m related to Sean Connery. So, see what I mean? No doubt, he’s gonna throw up all over Kick-Ass when that comes out. And this clip from a masterpiece called Con Air shows exactly what I’m talking about…the accent, the emotion, the awesome-ness:







5. You can’t make this shit up, I mean, look at that shirt he’s wearing.