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Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 15:59:08 +0000

Yeah, yeah, I know…it’s been awhile, but I’m back. It’s been hard to motivate what with figuring out how to spend all the money I’ve been winning during March Madness and then digesting the Battlestar Galactica finale. Anyway, here’s another epic installment of the greatest blog event in the history of history.

Round One: Silver Surfer v. Punisher

1. Kicking Ass.
The Surfer is another one of those characters that on paper looks to be god-like. His Cosmic Power, a “gift” from the giant purple world-eater whom he served for most of his time in comic books, in its description should make this guy unbeatable. He is, in a way, the blue-print (sorry) for Dr. Manhattan, and not only because they look similar and don’t wear pants. Surfer can bend time, alter matter, heal, and inhibit other mutant’s powers. He can also manipulate the evolution of organic life. Pretty cool.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
He’s a bit blinged out, but at least he doesn’t have a silver dong flopping around? Sleek. Simple. And girls are like fish. They’ll hit anything that’s shiny.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Well, Surfer’s a bit of a loner. He’s all “I’m a slave. I miss my family. Life is a prison.”, so I can’t imagine he’d be much fun? However, he looks like a robot, and EJ loves robots, so why not?!

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Oh, Frank Castle. Where do we begin? On one hand, Punisher might be Marvel’s most epic fail. On the other hand, he has some of the best potential. The mostly low budget attempts at bringing Punisher to the silver screen have probably damaged his rep. However, if you read his books, he’s the ultimate bad ass. Actually, given his family situation and all, he has a lot in common with the Surfer. And if anyone with zero mutant-like powers could crack this tournament, it’s Punisher. Maybe it’s because I enjoy the mob angle, but I think Mr. Castle is underrated.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Pretty sweet. We like the skull. He’s very McGuyver meets Batman meets Sayid from Lost. And we know Sayid pulls the honeys.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
We’re discovering a theme here. Superheroes and supervillians, for the most part, have social disorders. So obviously, Frank Castle is a bit of a sociopath. Coming over for poker night probably isn’t in his skill set.

Score:

Head-to-head: Another close one. At first I thought Silver Surfer takes this round easy? But Punisher always had a counter. His weapons. His steel-toe boots. Thomas Jane. Dolph Lundgren. It was close, but, in the end, Surfer’s always been one of my favorites. And, although Slappy can better detail the Surfer’s current situation in the Hulk/Skaar universe, I like how he’s being developed.

Advantage: Silver Surfer

Finally. A Decent Video Game.

Dr. Meat — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:07:07 +0000

I downloaded the demo on PS3 for the new Watchmen game. Pretty good. Check it out:

“Watchmen” Movie Review

SlappyMcNutsack — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 01:49:07 +0000

It’s opening weekend for Watchmen, and though we hate people, we’re braving the crowds to bring you an eviljalapeno.com review from 3 different perspectives. Read the reviews after the jump.

The Story:
SlappyMcNutsack: I’ll start out by saying, I’m actually a big fan of the comics/graphic novel. For those that haven’t read it yet, you may be lost/confused for the first hour or so of the movie, but the graphic novel was the same way, it didn’t start getting picking up and tying things together till about halfway through. There was one thing I thought was kind of lame about the comic, and without “spoiling” anything, it was the “incident” towards the end. I think Zack Snyder did a great job of keeping this movie true to comics, and actually changed that “incident” into something, which in my opinion, was better than the comic.
Dr. Meat: Well, I wanted to come on here and blast the shit out of this movie, but that ain’t gonna happen. Firstly, I need to say that I didn’t think the graphic novel was that great. And hearing everyone/Hollywood gush about it is annoying. But, hey, it’ll sell tickets. So, needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much. I get it…it’s groundbreaking, blah, blah…spare me. But, the fact that Zack Synder took this book and made it into a pretty decent flick restores a little bit of faith in the usual shitastic movie industry. The movie stuck with the book perfectly when it needed to, drifted a bit when it could, and, most importantly, consistently reminded us that it didn’t take itself too seriously (something I thought the book did do, to a flaw). This seriousness (mostly the too cool for school opinions of Alan Moore and others stating this book wasn’t film-able?) might be why I’ve refused to give a shit. That and the fact that every picture of Alan Moore makes me think I am looking at the mutant offspring of a gang bang involving the Unabomber, Charles Manson, my meth-head neighbor, and Amy Winehouse. Obviously, we don’t know who the father is. Seriously? This guy wrote this? Wow. It looks like he’d sell the rights to the first taker. He needs the money for a fucking razor.
El Chupacabra: I really enjoyed the story, I am somewhat of a history junkie and I enjoyed the way historical moments were interjected into the plot. Also I applaud the writers for not creating typical superheros, I loved the dichotomy of good and evil in the characters and how they embraced each side equally and without prejudice. Look no further then The Comedian to see what I mean.

The Acting:
SlappyMcNutsack: The actor’s did a good job, especially Jackie Earle Haley as a Rorschach. The only negative thing I’d say about this film is I got sick of seeing Dr. Manhattan’s blue junk hanging out all over the place… I mean shit dude, you’re the most powerful person in the movie, get some fkn undies! But we did get some nice side-boobage from Malin Akerman!
Dr. Meat: The acting, like I said, didn’t take itself too seriously. From Nixon’s nose to Dr. Manhattan’s giant monotone schlong…er, voice, it worked. I agree with Slappy, though, Rorschach carried the film.
El Chupacabra: Like Dr. Meat, I did not take the acting to seriously and Rorschach did carry the film, he was a total bad ass in prison. One thing that did mess me up was looking at Nite Owl without his suit, he completly looked like Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold.

The Cinematography/Visual Effects:
SlappyMcNutsack: I thought the cinematography/visual effects were bad-ass! The fight sequences were beautiful! Snyder used a lot of similar fast/slow motion techniques that he used in 300. Lots of blood and broken bones, my kind of stuff!
Dr. Meat: Malin Ackerman’s latex costume was nice. It barely covered her labia, nice touch, so the fact that she could kick ass in that thing…well, anyway.
El Chupacabra: The visual effects were 2nd to none. The cinematography was like watching 300 on roids, I am from NYC area and they nailed the look and feel of the city in the 80’s.

The Running Time:
SlappyMcNutsack: The movie ran about 2.5+ hours. If I wasn’t so into the comics, I probably would have felt it was a bit long, however, I’m ok with the running time as there was a lot of info to capture. It would have probably done great as like a 2-3 episode mini-series or something. (do mini-series still exist?)
Dr. Meat: I didn’t have a problem with the running time. My attention drifted while reading the book (probably because of the newspaper stand dialogue and that stupid Black Freighter story), but not with the movie. The way Synder tweaked the ending, in my opinion, made the story better. So, suck it Alan Moore. I hope you get crushed to death by one of your giant piles of money made from this movie.
El Chupacabra: I had no problem with the running time of the film it was just the right amount of time. Snyder did a great job of introducing the character and flashing back to take a deep dive into their past to show what made them tick.

Overall Rating: