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Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 18:06:55 +0000

So the play-in matches are finished…and in the immortal 11th century words of King Philippe and Princess Leonore, let the games begin.

Round One: Thing v. Hulk

1. Kicking Ass.
“It’s Clobberin’ Time!” is a pretty lame catch phrase. Makes me cringe almost worse than “HULK SMASH!” or “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” But there’s no arguing Ben Grimm’s 100 ton strength. However, “rock” men are a dime a dozen, right? I’m thinking this guy from that one awesome movie. And then there’s this this guy. Don’t get me wrong, Thing can stomp some ass. But maybe I’m hung up on the science? How does he sit in a car? Or fly in a jet? I mean apparently even if your bag weighs one pound over fifty it costs an extra $200 in jet fuel? I’m just sayin’ that unless he’s made of pumice…he’s got bigger weight issues than Oprah.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
This trait has been well documented since the Fantastic Four seem to be one of the more “let’s explore feelings and relationships and drama” comic book runs. Meh. Probably why I don’t really read Fantastic Four, but anyway. Thing has issues. He’s all sensitive and shit. Bullshit. You’re an ass kicking machine. Suck it up.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
When he’s not whining about being ugly, sure. He’s been around forever in almost 2000 books. He’s fought everybody since 1961. He’s a grizzled veteran.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
The Incredible Hulk is the monster trapped in all of us. Wait, so here’s a spoiler…he wins this round so know we’ll have plenty of time to discuss his power later. For now, a couple of things to consider…pissing him off makes him stronger. Detonating an atomic bomb in his face, well, that damn near brought the end of the world. Hulk is pretty much unstoppable, unless you’re playing chess.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
The purple pants? Yeah, we don’t get it either? But it doesn’t really matter because if your name isn’t Betty Ross or Caiera, he’d smash your face.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Probably not. It wouldn’t be much of a conversation since he mostly grunts. And if you beat him in darts, he’d probably make you into a dart and throw you through the building, through the block, out of the city, and into the ocean.

Score:

Head-to-Head: These two are very similar but very different. Simply put, we like Hulk more. Hulk is a deal breaker for The McNutsack. He’s gonna push for Hulk to win it all. He wants to be Hulk, and rumor has it he kind of is when a workplace subordinate screws up. He’ll just break a piece of office furniture and toss it out a window, snarl, grunt, and point to the door? At home he paints himself green and has those giant foam Hulk fists. Apparently, he wears them poolside as beer koozies? Although most recent storylines have disappointed, Hulk has great staying power for a main character. As for Thing, well, he needs his team. He needs Mr. Fantastic. He’s pretty much Reed Richards’ little bitch. Possibly ruined by Hollywood, no probably ruined by Hollywood (Sorry, but it’s a factor here in our stupid little blog. Our rules, so suck it.) so when I think of Thing, I think of an orange Michael Chiklis wearing a retarded hat and a trenchcoat. Of course, then I think “Is he naked under there? So, if he is, and a breeze picks up, does his dick get hard? Or is it already hard since he’s kind of made of stone?”. Anyway.

ADVANTAGE: HULK

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:48:37 +0000

Round One (Play In): Nick Fury v. Deadpool

1. Kicking Ass.
Disclaimer: Deadpool is my favorite comic book character. But we’ll do our best to be as fair and level-headed as possible during this little process. So, Wade Wilson, if that’s really his name, is the quintessential bad-ass ninja motherfucker. He has no fear, probably because he can’t be killed, and he has Weapon X coursing through his veins, so he’s nearly unbreakable. He’s fought Wolverine, Hulk, and the entire Skrull army without breaking a sweat. And we haven’t even started to discuss his ability to handle blades and guns.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Awesome red ninja suit. Check. Samurai swords dangling everywhere. Check. Tucker Max attitude. Check. Sure he’s got some butterface issues with the whole constant molecular instability thing, but, hey, the clothes make the man, right? We’ve got this friend, we’ll call him Tito Schma-nilla, anyway, most of the time he looks like a homeless clown that’s been scuba diving in the Missouri River all day. But if you throw a borrowed suit coat on the guy, he pulls any single mom he winks at. So, since Deadpool mostly gets by with his charm, he gets a pass here.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
More importantly we want to hit a gun range with this guy. Then beers. Then a gentleman’s club. Then the gun range again. Before noon.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Ok, Nick Fury, you kick ass. You’ve got access to SHIELD technology. You’re a strategist. And you have an eye patch. Strikes against you include the military-mojo and that you kind of look like Tom Cruise in “Valkyrie”. Military and comic books, at least to Dr. Meat, don’t mix very well. Tanks, bullets, and angry generals might have made for crazy interesting story lines 30 years ago, but now we need more. Nick Fury, you bore us. You try to keep up by riding the coat tails of SHIELD, Stark Industries, and all the latest tech, but sorry, dude. You’re old. The Infinity Formula needs to wear off. Nice run, though.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Nah, well, maybe. Cougars, probably. You gotta figure Nick Fury and Hannibal from the A-Team kill it poolside at the casinos in Palm Springs. But, man, the eye patch. You’d think SHIELD could come up with some kind of prosthetic eye or functioning weapons targeting system or just install a laser sight or something? I mean, shit, what are you a pirate?

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
We’re gonna say yes. Simply because we’d like to hear stories about the glory days. And maybe we could get him to slip a snort of that Infinity Formula into our scotch?

Score:

Head-to-head: Nick, this is a contest because you’ve been around forever. But, frankly, you could be the greatest thing since Cheddar Jack Cheez-its and still not advance because of maybe two of cinemas gravest mistakes. David Hasselhoff. And Samuel “Snakes on the mother fuckin’ plane!” Jackson. Come on, Marvel. Have some dignity. Deadpool, you win because Nick Fury shit the bed.

Advantage: Deadpool

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:19:20 +0000

Round One (Play In): Venom v. Joker

1. Kicking Ass.
Venom could be the reason Dr. Meat even started reading comics back in junoir high. Well, more than likely the real reason was because I didn’t have much to do growing up in a small BFE town until I discovered masturbation and jazz choir. But anyway, Venom was pretty bad-ass. Snarly and gnarly, an alien with huge sharp teeth, and with an affinity for Spiderman. These are things we like. However, lately, Venom has been teetering on the edge of villian and hero. This is something we don’t like. Come on, dude, you’re evil. Look in the mirror. Yeah, those are fangs. Heroes don’t have fangs. Anyway, it’s back and forth, depending on the host and what-not, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt…for nostalga’s sake.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
We like the costume. He is the costume. But it probably only appeals to goth chicks that cut themselves. No thanks. Super strength and the ability to mimic and absorb the powers of hosts is all very super powers average. And that tongue is nasty.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
This is a toss-up. On the one hand, Venom holds a dear spot, in at least Dr. Meat’s cold, black heart, and he got me through some tough times growing up. Like the time I led a group of a friends into the woods to find that dead body along the railroad tracks. Those older kids following us sure were bullies. And then there was that one time when I moved to a new town, didn’t have any friends, but tried to play baseball even though I really sucked. And almost died when that huge slobbering dog almost ate my face. That sucked. But then on the other hand, Venom is gross. And that suit is organic so it’s proabably got some funk. To the point, Venom would probably drool in my Bud Light. Not cool.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Is insanity a super power? In Joker’s case, yes, most definetly. We like to think he’s as nasty as they come. He’s a twisted criminal mastermind who would cut your throat, make your girlfriend drink the blood, all while wearing a skin suit of your mother. Laughing. There’s no questioning the evil-ness of Jack the Joker.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
We don’t know. We don’t want to know. We don’t want even think about it. Clowns are fucking scary. And Joker is a cross between Michael Jackson, Marylin Manson, Charles Manson, and Anna Nicole Smith (when she was fat).

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Yeah, no. He’d Sebastian Janakowski it, then when we’re out cold, he’d thread us into human puppets and make us re-enact the sex scene from Team America: World Police.

Score:

Head-to-head: A close one, but Joker is just too fucking nuts. And Venom has been lost in our childhood. Joker is the more sophisticated man’s criminal. His lack of super powers, which makes him rely more on his vicious mind actually gives him an advantage over Venom. But don’t forget Venom loses a few points now since those images of Topher Grace are permanantly burned into our brains. He really fucked shit up for us, however, it was mostly the fault of that son of bitch, Sam Raimi. But we’ll get into that shit much later.

Advantage: Joker

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 05:23:19 +0000

Round One (Play In): Magneto v. Hellboy

1. Kicking Ass.
Well, there’s no questioning the awesome-ness of Magneto’s power. I mean who’s really gonna fuck with a guy that can literally rip the iron from your blood? He’s a brilliant mastermind with huge plans for world domination, however, those plans are always foiled by a cripple in a wheelchair? And he’s old, probably shares robes with Gandalf the Grey, and he’s old. But he can fly.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
We mentioned the robes. His colors, purple and red, provide a good combination of evil and power. And that helmet looks like something that could deflect a Vulcan mind-meld. He has super strength and stamina due to his control of electromagnetic fields, so we imagine that impresses the ladies down at the nursing home.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
No. The generation gap would probaby be a bit much. Plus, he’d probably bitch quite a bit about being stuck in that Nazi prison camp growing up. Anne Frankly, he’s probably not much fun. And we’d be twitchy from the homoerotic vibe thing he’s got going on with Professor X. Although, being from a European descent from way back when, he probably enjoys some decent darker beers, which we can appreciate.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Hellboy is a demon. He’s strong as shit. He handles The Good Samaritian, his big fuckin’ gun, like a champ. And his attitude, is like ours, shoot first ask questions never. We’re pretty sure you don’t get up after a punch in the face from The Right Hand of Doom, either.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Shit, he looks like the devil. How bad-ass is that?! Pretty sure Red could pull any Suicide Girl he wanted. So we’re big fans and would probably dress exactly the same if we found ourselves born in the bowels of hell with an apocalyptic destiny. Might let the horns grow out though.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Easy. Yes. It would be a bar crawl. Most likely ending up with all of us passed out in a dumpster behind the dirtiest strip club in town.

Score:

Head-to-head: You might think, based on sheer mutant power, Magneto would destroy Hellboy. But, you’d be wrong. Hellboy’s ability to pull more ass and hold his booze, along with that demon shit, put him over the top.

Advantage: Hellboy

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:55:20 +0000

Round One (Play In): Robin v. Ghost Rider

1. Kicking Ass.
Firstly, Robin doesn’t belong in this tournament. He’s here to satisfy our gay readers. No, actually he’s here because he’s been around forever, and we decided that all-time top 10 characters in comic book appearances automatically get in. So, sadly, we are left with one of the original sidekicks. Almost makes you wonder how comics even got popular? Maybe they aren’t? Maybe they never were? Maybe we’re delusional? No, we are delusional, but somehow comics survived the original Batman television series. And somehow, somewhere, somewhen Robin must have had a purpose. And even more strange…he’s become relevant again now that Batman is dead.
Back on point, Robin’s ass-kicking abilities. So, there’s 3 of these guys, but we’re gonna focus on the more well-known stuff. He’s a circus acrobat (shocker), so he has some agility. He has access to Batman’s toys, so he’s a mooch. That just means he can Bat-hook the shit out of you, then Bat-repel off a bridge and out of sight. Fine, but we don’t have much more to say about this. When we think of Robin, we think he could handle Jack Nicholson joker but not Heath Ledger joker.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Yeah, no. So you’re the side kick to the Dark Knight and you’re shit’s all bright yellow and bright green and bright orange? Tights. Moving on, we can’t even talk about this crap anymore. Robin could be up against Smurfette in this category and get blown. out. However, the newer stuff is encouraging. And not as flamboyantly Boy George.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Probably not. Guaranteed it would be at a martini place, and we’d have to wear nice clean shoes. We wouldn’t have much to talk about since we don’t live with our parents anymore, and we like evil.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Johnny Blaze has the attitude of a stuntman and has a flaming skull. We’re all about skulls and fire and evil, but Ghost Rider doesn’t so much back up the hype. Sure, he gets his power from basically the devil, himself. But, frankly, the whole motorcycle gang, chaps, steel-toed boots bad-ass routine bores us. However, we wouldn’t want to take a shot from that flaming chain.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Well, you figure a guy confident enough to wear a black leather jacket gets his fair share of tail. Even if he’s picking them up in Sturgis, South Dakota and they’re all wearing American flag bandannas? No thanks.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Sure. You can bet we’d be in a dive bar that serves MGD through tap lines that smell worse than Amy Winehouse’s feet, and we’d end up getting shit-bombed playing Big Buck Hunter until the sun came up. There’s also a good chance we’d end up with new tattoos.

Score:

Head-to-head: Not even close, although these clearly aren’t two of our favorites, Robin’s costume alone warrants a hate crime. And he doesn’t even really have any powers, unless you count being good at cartwheels and resembling an elf? So congrats, Ghost Rider, you are officially in the tourney. But you won’t last long.

Advantage: Ghost Rider

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers

Dr. Meat — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:45:46 +0000

Welcome to the first in a mini-series of impossibly amazing battles to determine the definition of awesome. No, we aren’t talking about Ronald Regan and Mikhail Gorbachev. We are starting these off with quite possibly the greatest argument in annals of nerd history. Could Superman take the Hulk? Who would be the better bitch, Robin or Tobey Maguire? These important questions and more will be answered in what will surely be a greater spectacle than dinner at Medieval Times. And more entertaining than the usual web surfing for shots of Britney’s ~~caesarean scar~~ vagina. Yes, you’d be right in assuming this colossal waste of time is done mostly while pretending to have real jobs, but when we’re not at work, it severely cuts into our time online playing Call of Duty and watching 80’s hair band music videos on youtube. We do it because we care. And because we all want to get fired, move to Bali, and open a frozen banana shack. Enjoy and here’s one more…for the true fans.

Winner advances based on three categories:
1. Kicking Ass
2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina)
3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Round One Coming Soon

Note: Seedings are equal parts whatever we think, longevity, and shut the hell up.