Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Dr. Meat — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:55:20 +0000

Round One (Play In): Robin v. Ghost Rider

1. Kicking Ass.
Firstly, Robin doesn’t belong in this tournament. He’s here to satisfy our gay readers. No, actually he’s here because he’s been around forever, and we decided that all-time top 10 characters in comic book appearances automatically get in. So, sadly, we are left with one of the original sidekicks. Almost makes you wonder how comics even got popular? Maybe they aren’t? Maybe they never were? Maybe we’re delusional? No, we are delusional, but somehow comics survived the original Batman television series. And somehow, somewhere, somewhen Robin must have had a purpose. And even more strange…he’s become relevant again now that Batman is dead.
Back on point, Robin’s ass-kicking abilities. So, there’s 3 of these guys, but we’re gonna focus on the more well-known stuff. He’s a circus acrobat (shocker), so he has some agility. He has access to Batman’s toys, so he’s a mooch. That just means he can Bat-hook the shit out of you, then Bat-repel off a bridge and out of sight. Fine, but we don’t have much more to say about this. When we think of Robin, we think he could handle Jack Nicholson joker but not Heath Ledger joker.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Yeah, no. So you’re the side kick to the Dark Knight and you’re shit’s all bright yellow and bright green and bright orange? Tights. Moving on, we can’t even talk about this crap anymore. Robin could be up against Smurfette in this category and get blown. out. However, the newer stuff is encouraging. And not as flamboyantly Boy George.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Probably not. Guaranteed it would be at a martini place, and we’d have to wear nice clean shoes. We wouldn’t have much to talk about since we don’t live with our parents anymore, and we like evil.

Score:

1. Kicking Ass.
Johnny Blaze has the attitude of a stuntman and has a flaming skull. We’re all about skulls and fire and evil, but Ghost Rider doesn’t so much back up the hype. Sure, he gets his power from basically the devil, himself. But, frankly, the whole motorcycle gang, chaps, steel-toed boots bad-ass routine bores us. However, we wouldn’t want to take a shot from that flaming chain.

2. Ricockulous Costume (aka Ability to Pull Vagina).
Well, you figure a guy confident enough to wear a black leather jacket gets his fair share of tail. Even if he’s picking them up in Sturgis, South Dakota and they’re all wearing American flag bandannas? No thanks.

3. Would We Want To Have A Beer With This Guy?
Sure. You can bet we’d be in a dive bar that serves MGD through tap lines that smell worse than Amy Winehouse’s feet, and we’d end up getting shit-bombed playing Big Buck Hunter until the sun came up. There’s also a good chance we’d end up with new tattoos.

Score:

Head-to-head: Not even close, although these clearly aren’t two of our favorites, Robin’s costume alone warrants a hate crime. And he doesn’t even really have any powers, unless you count being good at cartwheels and resembling an elf? So congrats, Ghost Rider, you are officially in the tourney. But you won’t last long.

Advantage: Ghost Rider

eviljalapeno.com » Ghost Rider

Evil Tournament of Awesome: Super Powers (Round One)

Advantage: Ghost Rider